Unity Flashback Terror
5-MeO-DMT
Citation:   Yonas. "Unity Flashback Terror: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp114323)". Erowid.org. Apr 22, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114323

 
DOSE:
20 mg rectal 5-MeO-DMT
BODY WEIGHT: 57 kg
[Includes Updates written eleven months and fifteen months after the original report (two years after the experience).]

I do not encourage others to try this or any other psychoactive substance. I have had a very positive view of psychedelics as a medicine/teacher. But now I beg others to try another route in their own steady pace; why? read the "flashback" paragraph.

Set and setting
I'm visiting a kind and honest friend of mine in his small cottage in a small village. The cottage is surrounded by forest. Very cozy. I been here a few days. I have told him that I brought 5-MEO-DMT and now I like to do it. He has experience of DMT, psilocybin and others. I have informed him about risks and we talked about possible emergency actions. I have tried about 15mg rectal before
I have tried about 15mg rectal before
and about 7mg smoked. Also, I have experience of DMT, ayahuasca, psilocybin, LSD and others. I been reading trip reports, studying the substance and its side effects, as well potential dangers.

5-MEO-DMT in my body
I lay down in my bed and after a few minutes I can feel it coming. It begins to dissolve my body slowly. My heart beats faster, but not crazy. I can handle it better then earlier experiences.

A few minutes later I want to move. Oh my god, how complete will this dissolution be? It spreads throughout the body. The sense of me changes, no borders. I sit up; wow, there is no end; there is no me; there is no death or life, no difference. Who am I experiencing this? My whole body goes in a energetic flow. I'm so scared and so amazed at the same time. I give up; I fall back on the bed; I sit up; I look at my friend; I don't care about anything; I fall back; I shiver like a rabbit of sensitivity. My breaths are like indescribable. I show my self inside out in front of my friend. After about 10 minutes it begins to drop. "I will never come back, there is nothing to come back to" I say. I'm convinced that I will be in this experience forevermore. I surrender to this "fact".

A sense of determination to lay down on my back completely still moves me to pull the cover over my body perfectly. The body is shivering so subtle in love and acceptance of the way things are.

Flashback the second night after using 5-MEO-DMT
I wake up in the middle of the night and stare into the dark room I'm sleeping in. I have no idea about what is happening. Something feels extremely wrong, as I come to sense I can recognize my feeling as fear, complete horror. I don't know where it comes from, the source of the horror is bottomless. Its like the horror came out of nothing, from an empty space. Like I been in the deepest hell of pure terror, but I can not remember anything about it, I just know my fear at the moment. I don't want to go back, I have to focus my mind to not drift away into that hell again. I don't dare to fall asleep. Am I having a psychosis? What's normal? Just accept, this is what it is now. I think that I have to take a walk to stay in my body and do something human. Shall I wake up my friend? Yes, I got to get out of my passiveness. As I stand up and get dressed, I ask my friend if he is awake and as he answers, I tell him something terrible just happened to me and I want to take a walk with him. I'm shaking and feel cold, like I could pass out and die at any moment for no known reason. During the walk I explain it all in detail and what it means to me. I'm serious like hell. I realize I had no clue what I was doing using 5-MEO-DMT.

No sleep
Throughout this night I feel fear and cannot sleep, also I don't want to sleep out of fear what could happen, until early morning, it wears off and I go out to run. I run, walk and run out on a field, I feel relief.
I run, walk and run out on a field, I feel relief.
It increases. I go down on my knees and touch the earth in mercy. I stretch my arms to the sky, wooow! I get up and run and I'm so blessed. I'm so grateful to just be human on earth. And the feeling of me is gone, everything flow like never before.

Later the same day I burn the remaining approximate 0,94g of 5-MEO-DMT in open fire. I step away, the wind blows it in my direction and I can smell it, for a moment I think I accidentally inhaled enough for... But luckily I barely feel it. Nothing for humans. Stupid mistake, but I don't care to blame my self for it.



March 2022 ADDENDUM #

About half a year after the experience of 5-MeO-DMT described above; suddenly in the middle of the night fear strikes like a thunder through my nervous system, I don't know anything but fear at the moment, I can see something that looks like nerves lightening up in my vision. Then the first thin​g I can think of is "mettā", I just know this word is very important, usually I know what it means, but at the moment I don't know, I begin to repeat it (the meaning is loving-kindness). Then the next word I can think of is buddha, I repeat that too and I calm down as my mind slowly settle back to normal.

Some months after that I have a dream where I am in a unknown building, looks kind of like a subway gate, people are acting in ways that is new for me and very fast I am being manipulated by words and pushes down a hallway, the further down I get, the more hostile people become, like a hierarchy of people. Finally I'm pushed into a big room like an old warehouse, with many people who are wandering around completely lost, trying to find a way out, I follow some who are walking through a entrance outdoors to a yard with a high fence towards the street, they call out for help to the people passing by on the street, but no one notice or dare to come close. I walk indoors and as I begin to understand that there is no point to look for a way out and that I'm locked, I sit down beside a guy who tells me "welcome to the New York shithole", he is the only one in there still having some ability to focus, a leader type with some lost followers. I begin to feel fearful and as I wake up in my bed, I have the feeling of fear drying me from the inside out and that I inevitably will be pulled down to hell. I feel fear now as I'm writing 2 years later, luckily I'm having very kind people around me, otherwise I think this fear would pull me down to a hellish life like in the dream.

Until today, 2 years later I had to deal with fears coming in various strength. I recently had insomnia for about 2 months, some nights I could not sleep at all. My emotions and thoughts was going crazy. One night I was shaking of fear for 2 hours, thinking I was going to hell. I called the "emergency psychiatric clinic". Another night I had another horrible nightmare, psychotic like, I have had difficulties knowing if it was real or not. It is difficult to know if it's all related to my experience of 5-MeO-DMT. But it is definitely partly related. I have during this period regretted it many times, that I used it.
It is difficult to know if it's all related to my experience of 5-MeO-DMT. But it is definitely partly related. I have during this period regretted it many times, that I used it.


I think I'm going through what's called "the dark night of the soul". I now understand why psychedelics is dangerous. Because it goes way too deep, too fast. Deeper then what I'm mature for, it's difficult to explain, it's so difficult to deal with that I don't know if it's of any help at all. Even small dosing I consider to be riskfull. Now I go the natural way. Meditation helps me to go through this, being in nature and to confirm to my self when fear comes "Ok, this is fear", is helpful. Love helps. Being aware in every moment of sensations, that they are changing, is the way out of this. Seeing that there is no me, so no one to be scared. I did this also before the experience, I thought I was experienced and ready to go of for a 5-MeO-DMT experience, but no. I think complete surrender comes when my body and mind naturally is ready to let go completely.



July 2022 ADDENDUM

Now I can finally sleep. But with the help of sleeping pills (propiomazine) which I'm very happy for! The white substance is following me... Or am I following? Even though I try to find a way to leave the pills so the body can fall asleep by itself. I used the pills for about 2 months now. I will try with vitamin B6, zinc, calcium, magnesium and tryptophan. Maybe I been lacking something and that's why I got insomnia. Before the pills I had Insomnia for 3 months. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes no sleep, sometimes little sleep. Sometimes no sleep for 2-3 nights which caused extreme nightmares, waking up psychotic, shaking, warm body, drying out trying to drink water but it just goes through the body. A hot bath helped me
calming down.

So there are many implications here and I'm trying to sort it out. I think that 5-MeO-DMT caused very deep "dark night of the soul" and this goes parallell with insomnia, amplifying each other. Insomnia started when I moved into this house with an old women and my dear friend. She had very irregular sleeping and food habits and so I also got into this, drinking coffee as well, creative works and music. Ironically the guitarr was my best friend in lonely sleepless nights. Sometimes dry meditation because I was so fatigued.

But now I'm more in balance, sometimes I had strong "body collapse" with all the various symptoms I described and that was when I slept in other houses. So apparently I feel more safe in my own bed. I have to stay at home and live a very calm life, working half time (4 hours) or less. I meditate every day and I'm investigating holotropic breathwork. Still I have to deal with fears coming, like nightmares.

It is not all bad I think, it is a difficult area indeed, when I was a child I also had very intense nightmares. I think this is how the body tries to heal it self from trauma/spiritual emergency/dark night of the soul which are some famous concepts for trying to rationalize these weird experiences.

The only way out of this seems to be waking up! Like when you are dreamy minded and then jump into ice cold water and then get up again. Oh! So this is reality! (without shaking, observing, only calmity) Which can be part of psychedelic trips, but then there is a tendency to get into the dreamy mind again and it begins a forceful process of waking up and if one is not listening or trying to get away from it, there will be a difficult time. Being present and facing the fears is the only thing that really works. Not getting lost in all the endless content of the mind, seeing through that there is no mind. It is only sensations/phenomena appearing and ceasing.

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 114323
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 32
Published: Apr 22, 2020Views: 1,975
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5-MeO-DMT (58) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Post Trip Problems (8), Hangover / Days After (46), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), Preparation / Recipes (30), General (1)

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