DOSE: T+ 4:35		smoked	Cannabis
T+ 0:00	20 mg	oral	4-AcO-DMT	(capsule)

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

Background: I consider myself fairly experienced with moderate doses of psychedelics. In my lifetime thus far I have taken psilocybin mushrooms 12-15 times, LSD and 1P-LSD 10-12 times, and ayahuasca 3 times. The day I chose to take 4-AcO-DMT (for the first time), I had consumed coffee in the morning, one glass of wine with dinner (2 hours prior), and smoked a small amount of cannabis in the afternoon to relax. I had also microdosed LSD the previous day, so it is possible this had affected my tolerance somewhat to the 4-AcO-DMT.

At the time of this experience, I was really struggling. Some events had recently transpired in my relationship with my girlfriend that had resulted in me feeling deeply hurt and betrayed. The intention of this trip was to unlock my emotional experience so I did not feel paralyzed by despair, and start getting to where I could find the courage to move forward with my life. Going into this trip I knew it would probably be a more challenging and less “recreational” one, but I was prepared for this.

Setting: My apartment, at night. My roommates were both home, and while they have not done psychedelics and did not know I was tripping, I have been around them on various substances many times before. I felt comfortable with this arrangement as they were both downstairs watching TV and I was planning to spend the night in my room alone.

8:55 pm – Swallowed 20 mg in a gelatin capsule, after not having eaten for over 2 hours. I put on an episode of The Midnight Gospel, as it is very psychedelic aesthetically, and thematically soothing to me. It was just right to occupy my mind while I waited to come up.

9:20 pm – After the first episode, I was feeling some slight physical sensations, but it was not to the point of being distracting. I decided to watch another episode. About halfway through the second episode (30 minutes in), I started to notice light visual changes such as halation around light sources, subtle textural shifts, and an overall shimmery-ness. I felt a sense of light physical euphoria and began smiling a lot.

9:45 pm – The second episode is done. I feel like I am definitely tripping now, although it is still very manageable. I turn off the TV and put on some soft ambient music and lie down in my bed, under the covers. I spend a good time in bed watching the texture of my ceiling morph into the silhouettes of faces. The visuals have a three-dimensional quality to them, and everything is bathed in rainbow-like hues. I think a lot about my girlfriend, and a sense of grief flows over my body. I realize I felt so attached to her that I had lost my sense of self and it had become hard for me to feel like I was living my life for me. One of the lamps in my room is one I borrowed from her, and I realized how symbolic it was that the very light illuminating my life at that moment belonged to her. Her influence had seeped into my waking consciousness so far that my perception was skewed. I spent a lot of time crying, but it was also beautiful. I was incredibly sad, but it was a productive kind of grief.

10:15-10:30 – I don’t really know what happened at what time from about this point forward. At some point I checked my phone and there was a message from my girlfriend. I thought about how people can contribute in lasting, meaningful ways to each other’s lives, that we learn from each other and influence each other’s trajectories even long after our paths diverge. I accepted the reality that my relationship was probably going to end at some point in the near future. I messaged her back expressing my love for her and gratitude for the fact that we had helped each other learn important things.

I also thought about my past trauma including the last time I had taken psilocybin mushrooms a year and a half prior and had been sexually assaulted. This had resulted in me avoiding mushrooms, although I had taken LSD several times in the time since. But now I was able to think about it and accept that it happened and acknowledge the growth that had occurred as a result of going through hell and cutting ties with my abuser a year before.

I was emotionally exhausted at this point. I realized that most of my actions in my life leading up to this point had completely lacked intention, and that acting without intention was the source of my grief, and why I seemed to end up repeating the same cycles of hurting other people and getting hurt. After realizing this, I wrote in my journal:

How to always be right:
Listen (everywhere)
Act with intention
Find stillness

11:30 pm – I’m a little bit sweaty and tired and decide to take a shower. The water feels amazing on my skin. I cry while I lean against the wall and let the water wash away the sadness that is clinging to my skin. I think about the contradictory nature of my experience: I can love someone deeply and feel betrayed; I can want to give up and still keep living.

12:00 am – I eat a snack and then lie in bed for a couple more hours. I continue to think about acting with intention. I also recognize that I am not happy with my current job and living in the city (decisions that were made mostly out of fear and without clear intention). I also recognize that I need to take better care of myself physically, and that I need to stop drinking so much alcohol and taking kratom almost daily to avoid my pain. I laugh at my suffering and feel relief.

1:30am – I smoke some cannabis to soothe myself through the comedown, which feels gentle overall. By 2:00 am I am able to sleep.

The next day I wake up feeling rested with a faint afterglow and I feel incredibly grounded. This was not a fun experience. It was incredibly sad, but a necessary first step towards healing. I am very grateful.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114369
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: May 12, 2020	Views: 712
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)