DOSE:

repeated

vaporized

DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

260 lb

I preface this by saying that today I said some awful things to a woman I'm seeing because I am a fearful, anxious, and avoidant person that has a difficult time in relationships. I was confident that I'd managed to push her away and she would never talk to me again (this is how I protect myself from painful experiences). That is what I wanted, because I couldn't handle the stress and anxiety of dating. This is a woman I love. Tonight, I decided I needed a spiritual experience for self-examination.

I decided to try tripping from the comfort of my bed tonight with some spiritual Indian music that I read was quite soothing and beautiful with DMT.

I always start with a slight puff to get things going and calm myself before starting music or taking a bigger hit. I then began the music and took a long draw, which I held for as long as I was able. I then laid back and melted into the music. I cannot describe the feeling, but it was as close to complete freedom from myself as I have ever experienced. Unfortunately, there was another puff I needed to take and as the initial began to wear off I remembered. I actually apologized to the "entity" or whatever that I was breaking the mood. Then I took the final deep hit and another extra to make sure I got everything.

At that point the ceiling fan, which was not on, became an ominous female wasp-like being that terrified me. It wasn't exactly bad, but there was some fear on my part and I did my best to look away, but it was always there and present and it was angry because I wouldn't let go of myself and just drift. This made it harder to let go, as I was afraid at this point. Thus, there was a cycle of fear and letting go, fear and letting go.

Once that began to wear off, I was still feeling some effects and weighed up another 50. I find that going in slowly helps me adjust to the experience and let go more easily. This time, I laid on my stomach so the fan was out of view and I took two very large hits which transported me out of myself, but I found that I could not completely leave myself behind. The person I know myself as would fight and fight and the more it fought, the more anxiety I experienced. When I was able to fully let go of my ego, I was again able to melt into the experience for a brief time, but soon found myself back to reality.

That's when I began to notice how difficult it is for me to just let go of myself. I decided to just go for a lower dose the next time and took it all in two puffs, before returning to the music. Unfortunately, I think I missed some of the vapor and the effects were not what I expected. I immediately went and weighed up the last of what I could easily get from my vial (60 mg) and placed it in my GVG. This was to be BY FAR the most intense breakthrough and ego loss and time cycling I've ever experienced. We're talking about fractalization and cycling of my entire experience of time, space, EVERYTHING!

I sat and listened to the music while meditating for a few minutes to try to let myself go and just be. When I felt close enough, I took 3 strong hits in succession. Keep in mind that I was already feeling some level 1 and level 2 effects. I have enough experience now that I can get up and navigate the world pretty easily when at these levels. The fans and blankets stare at me, but that doesn't bother me anymore. They're just old friends happy to see me again.

I then laid forward with eyes closed (or open. . . it's hard to tell sometimes) and began to focus on my breath as I would with meditation. I began with "in, out, in, out" but that kept me in my mind. Eventually, I got to where I was merely feeling the breathe. I would then have a few moments of peaceful bliss in the hyperspace before a thought would come to mind like "this is never like people say it's going to be", which would bring me back. Then my ego would fight to take over and anxiety would set in, I'd sit up and look at the strange coded world around me (what are those symbols? It's some real Matrix shit every time) and a blanket covering my window before laying back down and focusing on my breathe and the images and lessons I was seeing. I could only learn when I let myself go, but that damn ego would try to push back in again and I'd find myself looking at that same window hanging. This process of letting go and losing control and letting go and losing control and looking at that same window hanging occurred probably a minimum of 10 times. It felt like it's own infinite fractal of my experience of time.

Slowly the lesson became apparent. . . I was unable to let go of myself and my ego. THIS was the source of my anxiety. THIS was the source of my unhappiness. The ego and the self serve a purpose, but when they are in control of the experience too much, they tend to cause psychological harm. When I am able to control the self and ego, my experience becomes magical nothingness and pure bliss. Like a drop of water in an infinite ocean.

I saw all the typical stuff you hear about, but that's really not the point. The point is my inability to get out of my own mind and just feel. Towards the end, there was a point where I thought about meditation I'd done in the past in which I thought of my body as nothing but a cloud of sensation. FINALLY, I was able to let go for a brief period and I melted into the music before finally returning to general normality.

There were probably 5 times where I thought I was done, only to cycle back around again, but eventually I was left with just a few visuals and an idea that I didn't need this drug. This drug was a tool to point out to me how I am incapable of getting out of my head and just being. This is the source of my anxiety, stress, and unhappiness. I have no control over my ego, self or whatever you want to call it.

I then looked at the clock and realized I'd been in various states of altered awareness for roughly 90 minutes. After gathering myself together, I made my way to the living room for a snack and funny tv. I picked up my phone and first looked at a text from my mother. THEN I looked at my phone and the female I was pushing away from my life had texted me almost EXACTLY the second I had grabbed my phone. Literally it was a minute earlier when I was looking at my mother's text. Her text read "I hope that made you feel better," which was referring to the things I had said to her. . . but really shook me up because of the insane experience I had just gone through. Serendipity comes to mind. I WAS feeling better because of the experience I'd just had. I told her that the timing of her text was freaky.

I then called her and we talked about everything. I won't go into details, but after all we've been through there is NO reason she should ever want to talk to me again. Honestly, there's probably no reason I should talk to her. We are both very damaged and our defense mechanisms cause harm to each other. However, sometimes I feel like the universe is pushing me in directions I cannot control. . . this is one of them. I love this woman (haven't said this yet, but she knows) and that text message was almost crazier than the rest of the experience. For a second I thought I was still in the trip.

Definitely the single best psychedelic experience of my life. Beats every other DMT trip by miles, despite the difficulty of it. It was never bad or overly frightening, but it wasn't all fun and games like the start of the trip. It's shown me that I desperately need to begin meditating more often to gain greater control of the "self" or the scientifically named "default mode network". The drug is a nice tool to point this out, but real work is required to make a permanent change.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114513
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 34
Published: Jun 29, 2020	Views: 669
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DMT (18) : Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)