DOSE:

200 ug

oral

LSD

BODY WEIGHT:

60 kg

[Erowid Note: Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]
I have been sick on and and off for almost two months, and the day I went for the trip I actually started to feel worse than I felt for quite some time, but since the sickness has been accompanying me for such a long time, I decided to do it anyway. I was also hoping that the acid will reveal the nature of the disease or the way out of it. The day of the trip was in the end of a week of a Feldenkrais teacher certification retreat, which had a large affect on the outcome. I was very tuned in to small details, movement and the sensation of pleasantness and rest. On the morning of the trip I also went to a craniosacral session, which amplified those restfulness and attentive qualities even more.

I took it alone (200ug), my best friend was babysitting, my teddybear from childhood was on my head or shoulder during almost the whole trip, it gave me a lot of strength. We found a nice place in a park near my mom's house, I took it, and then we did some Tai chi couple exercises. I wasn’t really feeling well, and standing made me really tired quite fast. After maybe five-ten minutes, we stopped, I returned to the blanket I had, and waited. My thoughts did start to have some sort a vague visual aspect they don’t usually have, but it was very settle. I was a bit worried about the dosage. I opened my eyes and started to do some sort of sky gazing meditation, and had a recollection of the first poem I wrote, when I was 13-14, something like – clouds, sometimes they are small, sometimes they are big, sometimes (something with cats and mice)…

The clouds were nice to watch, but nice things turned every time to something morbidic, sexual or melting, which was a bit scary. Also when I closed my eyes, every thought I had walked in this path eventually. I went to pee. Came back and felt a bit like Aladin on my red blanket, imagining it can fly.

This part is a bit blurry. I continued to look at the clouds, and in a sense got deeper. I went to pee again and again. I had moments where I felt gestures or patterns of others people I know living inside me. Like patterns I got from them, that were stuck in me. My roommate appeared a lot, and also a friend from highschool.

I was going to pee again, and decided to stay close to the place where I peed. I felt a struggle between two general approaches to life. One was to ‘chill’, to observe, everything arising and passing arising and passing. The other was to play mind games I was terribly aware too. A bit like outwitting my self. My ideology told me the first way, the common spiritual way is the right way, but something in me really wanted to play the games. But the problem was I really knew the rules, and it felt futile.

I called my friend, and we spoke a bit about the feeling that I have in life of being ‘on top things’. She was offering a hidden wisdom she usually doesn't share, and I was teasing her for it. It was a lot of fun. Without noticing, and I say it in retrospect, I started to play games. But it was important that I didn't forcefully tried to play them, rather let everything take its natural course.

At this stage, being close to the ground was very soothing. I was moving from posture to posture (not in a fast way), each position being comfortable from different angle, a bit in a Feldenkrais way, but less gentle. I asked my friend to put [on] for me, I am going to marry the night by lady gaga, and enjoyed listening. After that, my friend spoke about a beloved floorwork teacher we both know, and of a song she had in one of her classes, she put it on, and I got into a more physical stage, and did some sort of dance floorwork on the grass, it felt very fluid, fun, intuitive and effortless. I was staying very close to the ground, leaning here and there, and like that, even though I felt sick and not well, I managed to do something quite fast without straining my power.

I was really enjoying being physical, which is something I have been trying to do for a very long time. It was bit different from how I conceptualize it, less like an uncontainable explosion. When I think about it now, I have a voice telling me - it wasn't enough, it couldn't be that that is what there is to life, but at the moment it was very satisfying. I wasn't enjoying but not really enjoying, rather fully enjoying. This retrospective thought pattern kept coming back during the trip, and kept being proven wrong, in the sense that moment after moment I had experiences that were really satisfying, full of joy and happiness, but then, thinking about it made me feel it wasnt enough, but in the moment of the joy and happiness I was full of joy and happiness.

After the floorwork part, I was lying down with bent knees, and then I lifted my pelvis in the air and stood on my toes, for quite some time, resonating the practice of standing meditation. My left leg was really shaking, but I felt like I could stand like this for hours. It was easy, yet satisfying. The shaking of the leg made my whole body move, and was like some sort of an inner massage. At some point it felt like not enough challenge, but again, what is enough challenge? Why did it have to be more challenging? Why wasnt the challenge I was enjoying enough? Why did I need to make it harder? I lifted my pelvis a bit more, to raise the challenge, and it became less fun, I lowered it again, and it was fun again. I had enough at some point, and was afraid to feel like a failure when I put my pelvis down. My friend encouraged me, and it wasn’t so bad.

We spoke about my mom going to leave the city to the north, and about me having the fear that she will fail. Fear out of care. I wasn’t really aware to this.

My friend had a hot cacao with her, and I wanted to drink a bit from it. She brought it to me, but I was afraid it will interact with the acid in a bad way (cacao can make me somewhat edgy). My friend said I don’t have to worry, and that I can take my time. I am not in a hurry. I always am in a hurry. So I decided to take my time with the cacao, and to not be in a hurry. I was in a playful mode, and I played this and that.

I needed to pee again. But I was lying down, and felt like it will take me an hour to stand up. At that moment I also realized that its also nice not to pee, to withhold it. After some time I moved into sitting, and decided to continue with not peeing. I felt like the master of my mind or body, I could not pee for hours, I am like Buddha. The meditation of withholding pee. After not a very long time it suddenly became quite hard, and I wasn't on top of things. But I did not want to quit.

I played some more, and there a moment when the tension between the wanting to pee and withholding it was amazingly pleasant, ecstatic, somewhat sexual but in a weird way. I was twisting with something between laughing and crying, it was so much fun to not pee although I really needed too, the tension between those two needs or wishes was filling me with life. I laughed, I felt like I was going to explode. But I kept the pee inside. A bit like experiencing an orgasm without actually cumming.

I got into a game of standing on the ball of the foot, while resting my pelvis on the heels, and stayed there for some time. It became hard after sometime, and I added throwing my arms, which made it more challenging, but the surprising thing was, that this added challenge made it actually easier to stay like this. I was a bit baffled by this observation, and said to my friend maybe I should drink more water, to make it easier for me to keep withholding the pee. My friend brought water to me, but I was afraid to drink from it. We made a deal I wouldn’t pee for one hour (this idea came from me).

This kept going for some time. It was easy and fun to withhold from peeing, that it became harder, then I played some physical game, it was easy again, I forgot it in a sense. But this physical game was using the energy of this tension between the peeing and not peeing.

I had enough of the place we were, and we started to take a walk in the park. I had very conflicting wishes, and will all the time. Saying feeling something, then seeing the other side of it, identifying also it. I was all the time aware to the fact, that both sides were fun. It was nice to claim something, feeling for a second I know something, than doubting it. The doubting wasn’t fun in the beginning, but then I realized that something in me also enjoys the doubting. I had a gut feeling, I didnt go with it, enjoyed it, and then found myself somewhere surprising. Hence justifying the not following the gut feeling, but at the same time I knew, that following the gut feeling, might have taken me somewhere else, I dont really know where. And there was also this feeling, that maybe that place would have been better, but at the same time, the place I was in, was enough. It was surprisingly satisfying.

I examined everything through the eyes of peeing and not peeing, this sense of having some sort of control (not peeing), but at the same time, also losing control - not just sitting and chilling, waiting for the sensations to pass and arise, rather letting this tension that the wanting to pee and not peeing created to affect me, to take me somewhere, and in this sense submitting to it, and losing control, but still keeping the pee inside, still having some sort of control.

We kept walking in the park, playing, and meeting teenagers that made me feel a bit scared. My friend asked why am I sacred, I said I am afraid that they will hit me, and that it's something from high school. I felt also that I enjoy the thought of taking risks, instead of actually taking risks, and was judgemental about it in a containing way. I told my friend, that since the teenage I want to do risky things, but am afraid. We walked in circles on a bike lane where bikes came from time to time. It felt risky, and every time a bike came I stopped. I also was a bit afraid from people coming and hitting me. The circles turned into walking in eights, echoing the dragon walking qigong I learned in Berlin, and quite hated. I felt its much more intellectual than walking in circles, and that it’s a physical way to satisfy something intellectual. We continued to walk in eights, also on a bridge, and I was teasing a bit my friend, cutting her from time to time.

Again the risk things came. We walked below the bridge to a stone deck that was a bit soaked with water. The water made it harder not to pee. We played a bit there, and then I was tired from not peeing and the sickness, but still not ready to let it go. I leaned on a wall on a wall, and then my friend gave me one grape and one cherry. It was very nice to eat them. I wasnt sure, what to eat first - the cherry or the grape. I tried this and tried this (there were a lot of grapes and cherries), and in some sense their tastes combined. I wanted to find the way to combine them perfectly, but It was hard to find out, because every cherry and grape had a different taste, so I couldn’t really base it on past experience, and had to start from the beginning again and again. It was fun. In the end my friend told me there is only two more tries left. I wanted to try to eat all the four grape and cherries together. She gave them to me, I putted everything in the mouth, but it was hard to eat and I felt I was choking, I had to spit them out. This is gluttony I told my friend, it was again, trying to make something more than it is, like adding more challenge, although it was already enough.

I made the analogy that withholding pee like I was doing in the last 1.5 hours is like doing a pirouette. You have to have some sense of control - balance, posture, but also you have to turn fast, and for that you need to lose control. Like riding the carousel - you have to hold it, to have some sense of control, but if you only resist and try to be in control you will throw up - you also have to let the turning take you. This was a nice moment because this analogy felt original, yet very me, very the way of me thinking, like something I could say also when I am not on drugs.

Holding the pee was really hard. I was afraid to feel like a failure, but my friend reminded me that when I lowered the pelvis, I didn’t really feel like a failure. It took me some time, but I decided to pee in the end. It was tragic, but I did it. It was nice to pee, but not super satisfying, it was a bit like cumming. A downer, the losing of the tension was relieving, but not wow. I was also really tired and feeling quite sick again.

I leant some more on the wall, and felt I still need to pee, I tried, but nothing came out. I told my friend, I still have imaginary pee. We went to lie on the grass, and rest. I felt really sick, like I want it to stop and go to sleep. The come down already began before, but with the grass things started to become more and more normal again.

Me and my friend had a very nice conversation. About our relationship, my disappointment from life and dancing, distinguishing between stuff. The conversation was very flowy, it didn’t feel like we are giving stuff names, to be on top on them, rather pointing to something, speculating, and moving immediately forward to the next speculation.

I had the realization there is no secret to life, besides pretending there's a secret. Deciding that something is important, makes it important, but if I don’t want to be on top of it, I have to proceed from it to the next thing, while at the same time keeping some sort of structure - like not peeing. This structure allows it to develop and unfold, but it has to constantly change and shift, otherwise I will be on top of things, I will kill them, it will become boring and depressing. Trying to have the knowledge, is like ruling a kingdom with a spy network, that is telling you, something is coming from this direction and from this and from there, instead of experiencing the invasion and turning into a different nation. I cannot keep the control, but I still need to have it, but for one moment, and then move to the next thing.

Since I understood everything can be enjoyable, and that it doesnt really matter what I do as long as I play and have some sort of tension, I also thought that all this development story of myself, that I like to tell, from intellectual to physical, is actually not a story of development, but of change of modes of play. I could actually also enjoy being intellectual now, and writing poetry. And also the next thing I do, doesn´t need to be developed from where I am, just a game I want to play. So going back to dancing, for instance, doesn´t mean going back. It means, maybe, that I want to play the game of dancing again. Like I might also want to play the game of Philosophy again.

I was a bit scared I wouldn’t be able to make anything out of it in real life. But I remembered at some point my first trip on MDMA, that changed my life completely. It took one year until my life changed from real, during it was a long process with a lot of doubts, but still I made it in the end. And what happened there, was much more ungraspable and far from me, that what happened on the acid trip.

Me and my friend also had an interesting conversation about the need to show off and to be seen, in connection to dancing. We acknowledged it, something we don’t usually do. Yes, it is fun to show off. And we spoke about the connection between this and the feeling of being a star, and if you have to feel the star in order to enjoy the showing off. We spoke about partner work, or having someone to watch you, like she did today, that allows you to show off, and you can be the star for her, without maybe being a star for outside people. But not just the witness of authentic movement, someone more interactive, that you can also tease.

I was getting more and more into reality. It was a bit sad. But I realized I am going back to where I was, not to where I were. This made it easier. Our conversation turned neurotic, but It was also fun, though in a less open way. We spoke about plans and stuff.

We headed back, ate and went to sleep.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114608
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Aug 4, 2020	Views: 627
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
LSD (2) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)