Citation: Raiinbowunicorn. "Between Void and Realities, Ego Death: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (40x extract) (exp114626)". Erowid.org. Aug 15, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114626
I am writing this report something like 7 years after the experience. It took me a long time to try to figure out what happened and try to put words on the experience.
It took me a long time to try to figure out what happened and try to put words on the experience.
The day I tried Salvia, I was into a discovering phase of different psychedelic substances over the years, a friend of me who knew that I probably wanted to try this had kept some Salvia for me.
I was at his place, sitting on the couch, he tells me about this Salvia he has and kept especially for me in case I wanted to try. I reacted very happily and ask if he would like us to try together… to which he answers that he already tried and didn’t really like it so… I decide that I will do it anyway.
I didn’t know anything about Salvia yet, never heard stories, just saw videos of people laughing like crazy on youtube but nothing else, I didn’t know about the different intensities x5, x10… I remember the small container written x40 extract on it.
My friend prepares a bong with between 0.3 and 0.5g of the extract. It didn’t seem too much.
Now I hit the bong and hold my breath for like 5 seconds, at the very moment I start to breathe out, I felt going out of my body, the glass bong falls out from my hands.
Now what happens is very difficult to explain but I will try the best I can to relate the experience.
Right after the bong falls, I start losing my identity, my Ego, I was unable to say “Me”. I was unable to speak as well. My eyes were open and I was just looking around me. There was absolutely no psychedelic pattern like on Shrooms, LSD, Changa… it was extremely strange because I did not enter any artificial world or visuals, I was just seeing everything “as usual” though I did not recognize anything of this world.
Visual distortion starts: I start to see very weird details into what I was looking in front of me. My mind was focusing on a straight invisible line which was I could identify to myself, I will call this line the “focus line”. This line was made of “physical” elements in front of me which are from top to down: the ceiling, the wall, the picture, the broom, the floor. So this focus line was actually me, I felt like I was all of that, the ceiling to the floor and on this focused line was “one” thing and was made of billions molecular-sized Me.
The line became several lines, looking like if you would grab a book, twist it with your thumb so the pages are scrolling. ‘pfffffft”. In my mind, the pages were made of reality, the space between pages made of Nothingness, void. I was feeling like if I was looking different realities happening in front of me, actually billions of realities, where each page is more or less the same reality happening. I felt like if I was observing all that from Above from another dimension, and what I was looking at was pure madness and had no sense at all. A part of me knew that what I was looking at was the actual reality: a ceiling, a broom, but the other part did not even recall my body, me being only one, me being real.
At this moment, I was feeling super sad because I lost the uniqueness of my world, I remember a thought “so there are like a billion versions of my present, My family, my life, nothing had meaning anymore.” I was conscious that each of the realities could be lived as experienced as my previous life (just before the bong) but separately, they looked so fake and meaningless. Between the pages of these infinite pages scrolling from right to left, I knew it was void I was experiencing, in this void, nothing ever existed nor will ever exist.
Going back to reality. Eventually I was getting closer and closer to one of the realities, I could recognize my friend’s face little by little, I try to talk… J….JJJJ….. JJO.. JONATHAN, is that you? I was so sad to be disconnected to myself and my unique reality that I really needed my friend to say that he was Himself. It would mean that I am myself as well, and it would mean that I stick again to my own reality.
I really can’t say this experience was beautiful in any way, and the way I am telling it now doesn’t look that scary or traumatizing. It has been quite traumatizing for some time, as the Ego loss, the identity loss feels like dying. Hopefully I was reborn.
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