Citation: ThebigLebowski . "Lost Libido: An Experience with MDMA (exp114725)". Erowid.org. Sep 28, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114725
||(powder / crystals)
The obscurity of the rave scene always fascinated me, however, it was the wonton women who really drew me in. I started taking ecstasy when I was 17 and fell in love with it. I never took it often enough to become addicted but the times when I did take it were some of the most memorable in my life. It wasnít really the drug itself that I craved, but the intimate experiences the drug allowed me to have with girls.
Iíve experimented with many drugs; methamphetamine, Cocaine, Vicodin, Percocet, pot, DXM, alcohol, molly, and of course ecstasy. Iíve only been addicted to pot and I consider myself to have pretty good self control. The event and after effects that I wish to describe to you were among the scariest and most depressing that Iíve ever gone through. It all started when I snorted meth for the first (and last) time. It was about 3 years ago (I was 20). I was with my buddies, W and R. It was a beautiful summer evening and R was having a little swimming party at his house. At about 2pm before any of the females had arrived, we decided to snort some Meth. I took a fat line to the face and couldnít help but smile. The immediate feelings of giddiness, excitement, and joy proceeded to rush over me. We all ended up having a great night and meth that I did earlier was sufficient to keep me going for about 12 hours (along with some liquor and marijuana of course).
I awoke the next day feeling utterly awful and very fatigued. My chest hurt and so did my teeth. Mind you, these were the first health issues I had ever felt from drugs, so I was greatly disturbed. I vowed to stay away from uppers for a while and didnít think much into it when 3 days later, my conditions improved.
Now, fast forward 2 years later. Iím 22 and itís the night of a rave. This is the night which changed my life forever and has possibly stopped me from taking drugs altogether. After the meth experience, I had been wary with taking ecstasy but had still been dabbling with it every now and then. Iím not sure why tonight was different (maybe due to the high dose) but it was terrible. It was my buddy Bís birthday. We hadnít been fortunate enough to acquire drugs prior to the rave and so we had to find them there (which was more fun in my opinion) I was planning on meeting this girl I had been talking to online. We were supposed to pick her up and take her to the rave with us but she soon got cold feet when she saw how inebriated my friend was (he was driving drunk) I was really sad because I liked this girl a lot and was scared that my drunk friend blew my chance but she said to have a good time and just come over after to her apartment. So we arrived at the rave and it wasnít long before we found the guy with the backpack. I was feeling ballsy tonight and maybe a little sad from not having my sexy lady with me so I took 300mg of molly crystals. The night was great and I rolled my absolute face off. When all was over, I called up my girl and (to my surprise) she answered. So I got to her crib at about 3 am and we watched a movie and went to sleep. Normally, Iíd have made an advance towards sex since I was rolling and we had discussed having sex over text messages, but tonight I just wasnít feeling it for some reason.
I woke up to the smell of pancakes and a face which I just couldnít resist. We had a great morning conversation and a great cuddling session that afternoon. I got an Uber home and left on a great feeling that this girl and I had a serious future together. As it just so happens, we did have a serious future together. My girl (R) was all I ever wanted and needed. There was only one problem...like Austin powers I had lost my mojo. It had been 2 weeks since Iíd taken the molly and I still wasnít feeling frisky. This was especially concerning because I was normally a very horny person. Iíd normally masturbate 2-3 times a day but was not feeling any urges whatsoever. I was afraid my new girlfriend would think I had a micro penis or was gay because I didnít want to have sex with her. I tried everything in the book (viagra, a vegan diet, not jacking off for multiple days) and nothing helped. I was becoming very depressed and insecure as my girlfriend wanted me very badly and I could not please her with my penis. She thought she was unattractive when in reality I couldnít have been more attracted to her.
This impotence persisted for about 6 months before my libido finally returned to normal. Itís now been 10 months and Iím back to the horny bastard that I once was! My girlfriend is happy and so am I. The thing is, I really donít want to stop taking MDMA forever. Iím only 23 and still have many festivals and concerts to roll at. I guess itís just whether or not itís worth the risk of not being able to have functional sex...
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