Citation: John Cena. "I Met My True Self: An Experience with LSD (exp114768)". Erowid.org. Oct 13, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114768
This experience was very profound and has greatly improved my self confidence and self worth. Prior to this I had experimented with drugs before; I had five mushroom trips and five DXM trips under my belt (DXM is bad), so I was fairly experienced and felt ready to try LSD. Previously I had been somewhat scared of it because of how long it lasts and the fact that you never truly know what youíre getting with LSD, but upon further research I discovered that LSD is less intense mentally than mushrooms, so I figured I would give it a try. LSD was in fact less intense on my brain than mushrooms, but it felt like I reached a few layers deeper into my subconscious than any of my mushroom trips. I truly underestimated LSD and Iím grateful that the Lsyergic gods showed mercy on me despite doubting them.
I had been chatting with this trans guy I met on Tinder and he offered to give me a tab, so I took the offer. He said he had done tabs from this batch before and been fine so I trusted that it would be authentic LSD, and thankfully it was. In hindsight I shouldnít have been so eager to trust someone I barely knew, but hey, everything turned out alright in the end didnít it? He dropped the tab off at my house at around 11:15 PM and I spent the next twenty minutes staring at the tab working up the nerve to put it on my tongue. Eventually I talked myself up enough to take it at 11:39 PM and I was off to the races.
The first thirty minutes were pretty uneventful, only noteworthy thing was that my tongue felt weird as the tab dissolved. I started coming up around 12:20 AM, the onset was much smoother than a mushroom trip and the visuals took longer to kick in. The body high was very similar to shrooms but minus the nausea, it's kind of like being really stoned but I didn't feel drowsy and I actually felt somewhat energetic. For the most part I just danced around my room and listened to Dorian Electra or whatever else I felt like listening to.
By 1:00 AM the visuals start to set in. The visuals manifested themselves as triangular patterns forming on my skin and embedding themselves into my surroundings as well as pictures on my phone and computer. To be honest I was somewhat underwhelmed by this, but it was fine because the high felt amazing and I knew the visuals would intensify as the night went on. I spent the next hour and a half snapchatting my friends and watching various music videos, as well as coming up with funny realizations like ďduuuude why do we never think about the amount of hours weíre awake in a day?Ē But around 2:30 AM the trip begins to take an intense and introspective turn.
At one point I caught a glance of myself in the mirror from across my room and I felt very dysphoric. Being trans dysphoria is nothing new and usually it's easy to shrug off, but dysphoria during a trip is something I wanted to avoid at all costs, so I quickly looked away and tried to move on to something else. However, I was drawn back to the mirror in a ďNo, letís dive into this and see what Iím so afraid ofĒ kind of way.
I quickly looked away and tried to move on to something else. However, I was drawn back to the mirror in a ďNo, letís dive into this and see what Iím so afraid ofĒ kind of way.
Itís difficult to describe what followed, but it genuinely felt like I was confronting my mental illness(es) face to face. I was talking to myself in the 3rd person, coming to all of these realizations about my life and things Iíve been unknowingly doing to hold myself back from being myself. I was very angry with myself, but it was a cathartic kind of anger, the kind of anger that actually feels productive and like I was releasing a lot of built up tension within me.
This back and forth with myself lasted about two hours and I jotted down a ton of notes on my phone, which is something I wouldnít have been able to do on mushrooms and especially not DXM. I decided to say fuck it and smoke some weed because I felt amazing and was comfortable upping the anti. I donít think the weed did much since the weed I had at the time was pretty weak, but it felt quite nice. After I had essentially worked through everything I needed to, I felt like I had reached a state where I was the most authentic version of myself. Not concerned with what anyone else thinks like I normally am, even when Iím alone. I felt this unwavering confidence, as if I had just KOíd someone in a boxing ring and was flexing to the audience. It was unreal and I would kill to feel that again.
The rest of the trip was essentially me basking in my confidence. Around 5:45 AM I moved to the balcony of my house to smoke weed and watch the sun come up. The sunrise was beautiful and the birds sounded wonderful. Once it got a bit brighter I decided to take a walk to my local corner store and buy some snacks. I was still tripping balls but I could handle being in public just fine. The walk was quite nice and it was fun watching all the trees dance around me. After I got back I decided to say fuck it and cook some breakfast. I friend an egg very poorly and made an egg sandwich out of it, it still tasted delicious despite the egg looking mangled.
The trip past this point was mostly uneventful except for one bizarre visual thing. After eating I sat on the balcony and stared at the trees in the distance forming gorgeous patterns and constantly shifting, but if I focused hard enough, suddenly my peripheral vision was much clearer, colors started changing really rapidly and it felt like I was being sucked into something. It was very bizarre and Iím curious if Iíll feel that again the next time I decide to try LSD.
So in conclusion, this was an incredible trip. It's been nearly two weeks since the trip as Iím writing this and I feel much better about myself and my life. I feel like Iím slowly but surely working toward the vision of my true self I saw during my trip. I will say though that after this Iíll be taking a break from psychedelics. This year has been quite chaotic and frankly Iíve been using drugs as a form of escapism, even when I had genuine intentions of exploring my subconscious. I think I need to take some time to actually incorporate the things Iíve learned into my life before I decide to trip again. Honestly Iím just thankful this trip didnít go south, which it very well could have if I wasnít prepared, but I stuck it out and I have no regrets.
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