Citation: GiantJ. "Reborn Through the Cosmic Vagina: An Experience with LSD & Cannabis (exp114851)". Erowid.org. Oct 17, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114851
This is a true story of my experience of entering what I call "The Abyss" in a time where I was going through a really rough patch in my life, and feeling completely healed by it.
For a bit of background, I am a health professional and my job is to help others who are struggling with issues in their lives. On the side, I have researched and published academic articles on the use of psychedelics for therapeutic and recreational purposes. I am happily married and a mother of 2. I was struggling recently with family issues, as my dad has developed a severe alcohol use disorder and is in a DV relationship, and I have tried in futility to help him for the past 2 years. I was coming to terms with the fact that I could not help him, and my dad has been the most important man in my life since I was born, my hero. I was experiencing severe anxiety and feelings of insecurity and abandonment for several weeks.
I was experiencing severe anxiety and feelings of insecurity and abandonment for several weeks.
In October 2020 I decided to take an LSD trip with my husband. I have a lot of experience with psychedelics and have had many profound experiences.
We had been to dinner and had a lovely evening with approx. 2 glasses of wine. We came home and put the kids to bed. I took 1 tab of LSD and did what I usually do, hula hooping and listening to cool music. I felt sick at some point and went and lay down outside with my husband. I was feeling pretty trippy, a bit of visuals and the well-known changes in overall perception and consciousness, nothing profound at this point. I had expected to cry and process the stuff that was going on with my dad but not much was really coming to the surface.
I set up a "nest" inside with comfy blankets and candlelight and my husband and I made love. I smoked a little cannabis after that. I felt tired and uncomfortable and at that point I was probably in the peak of my trip. I remember a feeling of forgetfulness, like I would forget what I was doing, where I was going in the house, and this was unusual but I put it down to the cannabis (I'm not a regular cannabis user). I told my husband I was going to bed.
I went into the bedroom and turned off the light. I instantly entered a most unusual state that I have never experienced before. I can’t even say “experienced” is the right word, because I was not in my body to be able to experience anything. It was like I spontaneously did not exist, there was no time or space, no body, only black. I gradually came back into my senses and I had no idea who I was or where I was, I had no idea of my life history or any other person in my life, it was complete amnesia and I was disoriented in the room. I managed to find the light switch and turning on the light in the room helped me to piece together my identity gradually. I still felt really tired but I decided to try to sleep with the light on because I was concerned that I might forget who I was again.
This time with closed eyes I experienced some close-eye visuals. I don’t really remember the nature of them, detailed undulating imagery and patterns. I had the urge to peel back the layers and keep going underneath each visual to see what was behind it. It was like looking under a rug to find another rug that you need to look under. Eventually there was a black opening, like a crack in the overall visual. I edged closer to it in my consciousness (as I was just lying in bed this whole time with eyes closed). I entered the abyss for a second time, the same thing as what happened with the light off, complete black, nothingness. I once again forgot who I was and had to piece it together. There was no emotion attached to this process, no fear or elation, it just was.
After re-entering this realm of reality for the second time, I thought of my dad. I felt intense emotional pain. I envisioned all the terrible things I fear for him and allowed myself to see them and feel everything that I had been avoiding. I did not go to sleep, I went upstairs and told my husband about the abyss experience. I was not very surprised by it or entirely amazed. It just felt like a normal thing to happen really. He was very intrigued and referred to it as “the cosmic vagina” (some sort of pop culture reference, I believe). I described it to him as though my brain was “rebooted”, a “factory reset” on my consciousness, if you will.
Since then almost a week has passed, and I am feeling so much better within myself. I do not feel anxious, or when I do, I can view it and process it immediately. I am still sad and feel some degree of emotional pain about my dad, and the situation has not resolved, but it does not take over my life anymore.
Overall, I feel that I was reborn through the cosmic vagina and it healed by emotional problems for now. I am thankful for this experience.
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