DOSE:	10 - 20 mg	vaporized	DMT	(powder / crystals)
		smoked	Cannabis
		oral	Alcohol - Beer/Wine

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

One day my roommate, who for the sake of this story we will call “Pat” came home from work with 4 points of DMT. He suggested that at our next band practice, the four of us should smoke it together. This sounded like a great plan to me, and we decided to surprise our two bandmates (who we will call “Jake” and “Spencer”) with the drug. I messaged them saying that we had a surprise and that it was going to be the “best band practice ever.” I ended up being completely right, it was the best band practice ever.

Pat went first, and we drew straws on who would go after him. Spencer was second, I was third, and Jake went last. We have all done psychedelic drugs a bunch of times, often together, but none of had smoked DMT, so we were all anxious, but excited, to try a new drug. I volunteered to light the bowl, which proved to have a bit of a learning curve- you want to liquefy the crystals and then have them vaporize, not burn, something none of us had experience with.

I got the smoke rolling for Pat, he hit it twice, and laid down. It smelled awful, like burnt plastic or asphalt. Pat was able to talk to us some while he was tripping, but eventually decided be silent. He tripped for maybe five minutes, and then it was quickly over for him. He described some of the things he saw, and it seemed like a very pleasant experience. Spencer went next, I lit the bowl for him as well, to similar results. He hit it twice, had a fairly mild trip, and I was feeling less nervous and more excited to try it- my friends just did it, and they were fine, so what did I have to be afraid of? I decided to light the bowl for myself, because I had figured out how to get it rolling properly. I fearlessly hit it as hard as I could, twice, trying to get the most out of what was in the bowl.

My description of what came next is an approximation, a clumsy description of a truly inexplicable experience. It is impossible to talk about it without sounding like a total goober, so bear with me.

As soon as I hit the bowl, the effects came of more rapidly and intensely than I could have possibly prepared for. I remember saying “What the fuck, this is crazy,” and feeling my words disintegrate, sounded like they were being digitally distorted and slowed down. I laid down, and felt my mind hurtling at an insane speed into the unknown. I truly thought that somehow I had broken reality, that everything that had come before was gone and over, and that I was moving on to the next phase of my existence. I was so, so, scared, the most terrified I have ever been. I remember thinking that my body must be being completely torn apart, I had a vague vision of throwing up and my limbs flailing uncontrollably, before I was completely unaware of my body altogether.

The lights and colors are impossible to describe. It was like my body didn't exist, I was in an insane vacuum of changing colors and shapes, and I was a part of it, too. My perspective was constantly shifting- it felt like I was looking across a room, but then I was also looking at myself from the point that I was staring at. It became impossible to distinguish what was me and what was something else. It felt like every feeling I had ever had, ever thought, every frame of life I have ever seen and more was being forced onto me. To say it was intense is a complete understatement. It was so, so, overwhelming, I eventually lost concept of being a person completely and dissolved into... well, what felt like 'everything.' It didn't feel like minutes, it didn't feel like hours or days or years or any length of time, I was just totally gone. In reality, I was only out for three or four minutes.

As soon as I felt vaguely aware of my body again, I said “I'm fine” several times. I still didn't know what was happening, and I was certain that I had thrown up and had some crazy fit, and I just wanted to let everyone know that I was okay. My friends reassured my that everything was fine, and told me that they loved me. I would later discover that I hadn't thrown up or flailed about or anything like that, I just hit the bowl, said what the fuck, and laid down.

I started repeating that phrase- I love you- over and over, not really being aware of what I was doing or saying. Through later reflection and talking with Jake, I realized that I was saying “I love you” to myself, over and over. I was still looking at myself from a somewhat outside perspective, and I felt a level of compassion, love, and forgiveness for myself that I had never felt before. It was like I was trying to make sure I got the message across to myself, in this moment of clarity, that all my anxieties about myself, my body, my sexuality, my art, my music, mistakes I have made in the past, were a waste of energy, and that I needed to find and hold on to a love of myself, because I deserve it. Not only do I deserve it, it's right, it's warranted, I've earned it, I love myself.

I was still tripping hard as fuck. At this point, it felt like I was tripping, at least, whereas before the experience wasn't even vaguely recognizable. I was scared and overwhelmed by what had just happened, and I was trying to make sense of it but I was too fucked up to think straight. I asked my friends to sit on the couch with me, and embraced them- it was so reassuring to touch someone else, to feel like I was in my body again. I asked someone to put on the Grateful Dead, and they did. I felt so grateful to be surrounded by people who cared about me. I was so glad that I was back, and that I hadn't completely lost my mind in this experience. I remembered how much I love chess and playing the drums, and I was so happy about it, so happy that I could do those things. So happy with my body, despite its limitations. I was talking and talking, just excited and overwhelmed and trying to make sense of it all.

Eventually I came down enough for Jake to have a go, and he had a mild trip similar to Pat and Spencer. Within five minutes, he was on his feet again and totally cognizant. We drank some beers, smoked the bong, and went downstairs to have the best band practice ever.

I have been trying to make sense of this experience for the past several weeks. I am very experienced with psychedelics, but this was a whole new territory. I thought I had tripped basically as hard as possible, but the most intense peak of my most intense trip pales in comparison to what DMT did. This report is silly, and all attempts at documenting it are silly, because it's truly impossible to put into words. It was beyond intense, beyond powerful, beyond anything I have experienced before or since. I am so grateful that I was able to do this drug with people I trust, in a totally safe and loving environment, at a time in my life where I am remotely capable of making sense of it. While my experience was definitely net-positive, it was also absolutely terrifying, and I feel like if it weren't for the exact right circumstances, it could have gone very poorly. I am so grateful for this experience, for my friends, for music, for big hog, life is crazy but there's lots of good in there too. :)

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 114889
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 27
Published: Nov 2, 2020	Views: 559
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