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Obliterating the Head: A Retrospective
Citation:   Kaleida. "Obliterating the Head: A Retrospective: An Experience with DMT, MET, MPT, MiPT, EPT, DPT, 5-MeO-MiPT & 5-MeO-EiPT (exp114947)". Erowid.org. Nov 21, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114947

10 mg smoked MET (powder / crystals)
  15 mg smoked MIPT (powder / crystals)
  10 mg smoked MPT (powder / crystals)
  45 mg   TMA-2  
  20 mg smoked MET (powder / crystals)
  20 mg smoked MPT (powder / crystals)
  20 mg smoked MPT (powder / crystals)
  30 mg smoked DPT (powder / crystals)
  10 mg smoked 5-MeO-EIPT (powder / crystals)
  5 mg smoked 5-MeO-MIPT (powder / crystals)
  30 mg smoked MET (powder / crystals)
  30 mg smoked EPT (powder / crystals)
  10 mg smoked 5-MeO-MIPT (powder / crystals)
  15 mg smoked 5-MeO-EIPT (powder / crystals)
[This trip report is written from a multiple-identity perspective.]

The following Greek letters have been changed to protect the innocent. This trip report is written by Theta.

This is the story of many tryptamine smoking experiments culminating in the most powerful psychedelic trip we have ever had up to this point in our life, and currently expect to be the most powerful psychedelic trip we will probably have ever had for the rest of our life. My hope is that it will serve as both as a enlightening account of what was truly without question one of the most meaningful and important things that ever happened to us, and as a cautionary tale - or, for the most insane of you, perhaps a treasure map, though I wouldn't recommend it - for any psychonauts out there actively looking for a chance to prove that they can handle literally anything their brain can throw at them.

This is a retrospective spanning nearly two months of tripping, but our experience with psychedelics prior to this included DMT, MET, MPT, EPT, MiPT, DiPT, MALT, DALT, Psilocybe cubensis, 4-HO-MET, 4-HO-DET, 4-HO-MPT, 4-HO-EPT, 4-HO-DPT, 4-HO-MiPT, 4-HO-DiPT, 4-HO-McPT, 4-AcO-DMT, 4-AcO-MET, 4-AcO-DET, 4-AcO-MALT, 4-AcO-DALT, 5-HO-DMT, 5-MeO-MiPT, 5-MeO-EiPT, 5-MeO-DiPT, 5-MeO-DALT, Ipomoea tricolor, Argyreia nervosa, LSD, ETH-LAD, AL-LAD, 1P-LSD, 2C-C, 2C-B, 2C-I, 2C-E, DOF, DOC, DOB, TMA-2, 4C-D, BOD, Myristica fragrans, and MDMA. Our most recent trip before the first experience in this collection was roughly two months before this, and had been a powerful and memorable experience on 200 μg of ETH-LAD.

The aforementioned ETH-LAD experience had been very eye-opening for me, and, to make a long story short, had caused me to realize just how much I had gotten away from my old habits of trying to go deep with psychedelics in favor of exploring easier levels of more directly recreational even if still very psychedelic substances, and while that's not inherently a bad thing, it caused me to reevalute a lot of the decisions I had been making lately and reconsider just what it is I actually wanted from my psychedelic experiences, leading to us not tripping at all for the next couple of months. During this time period I felt good about my lack of need to keep returning to that state just being satisfied by the ETH-LAD experience still, but I and we also started to become increasingly depressed as the time went by, and eventually we decided to trip again to try to turn things around, this time on a new substance for us, specifically 10 mg of 2C-P. This experience was quite fascinating as well, and some of the alters enjoyed it, but it was a long and increasingly difficult trip for me, and by the end, it caused me to realize just how much I had turned inwards and tried to escape my sadness after the ETH-LAD experience, thus preventing me from being able to give into the 2C-P experience now, and leaving me somewhat numbed after the experience as well. It was after this 2C-P trip that I and we first made the decision to try smoking a tryptamine in hopes of gaining a rapid antidepressant effect from it, and chose MET as the one to attempt it with based on its close relation to DMT, one of the ones of course that has actually already been explored scientifically for antidepressant effects due to its history of human use, as well as the fact that MET is generally lighter than DMT, and we weren't really trying to trip hard again, even opting to use only a smoked dosage of 10 mg.

It was September 17th, four days after we had taken the 2C-P. Our method of smoking the MET for this experience was layering the tryptamine salt into a bowl of cannabis and gently heating it from the top, taking several hits and holding them in for at least a full few seconds each until the bowl is finished, which is the method we ended up using in all of the following experiences as well. The taste of the MET was notable even through the cannabis and reminded me of DMT's taste, probably more so than any of these other tryptamines do, and almost immediately after tasting it I felt that emotional stimulation I had been hoping for to lift me out of my funk, with a smile spreading across my face. I felt a wave of calm and we leaned back on the couch to close our eyes and meditate, where I was delighted to be greeted with transparent and dark but colorful and complex smoothly transforming geometric patterns, some of which were wispy in nature with a silvery white color. Our body felt very relaxed and sensitive, and we stretched out our arms in poses like we would to imagine the energy flowing out of us, causing the silvery white wisps I saw to swirl around our arms in helix-like patterns out towards our hands. I found this quite enjoyable, and it's the moment of hallucination that was most memorable to me, and I believe was probably the most notable in general, though it was long ago enough now that I don't actually remember. After somewhere around the first twenty minutes after inhaling the dose the mild hallucinogenic phase began to pass, but the initial heaviness of the high wore off and was replaced with an also mild but euphoric energy that lasted for at least a couple hours after this, and the feeling of calm that set in just as the experience was beginning stayed with us for the rest of that day. I felt my desired goal for using the MET had been achieved, and was quite happy with the level of clearly psychedelic effect I received as well.

Shortly after midnight at the beginning of September 18th, about seven and a half hours after the MET experience, we were still feeling so excited about said experience that we wanted to try to take the excitement and apparent antidepressant effect further, but we wanted to try it with something other than MET to avoid familiarity and increase the dosage slightly in case any tolerance developed, though we weren't actually sure if it would have or not given the molecular similarity to DMT. It was decided that the next experience would be done with 15 mg of MiPT, which was smoked in the same way as the MET.

Immediately I noticed that the taste was less pleasant than with MET or DMT, and it was either something about that or a more direct effect of the drug itself, but we quickly felt slightly nauseated; it certainly wasn't as pleasant as the sudden wave of calm from the MET, but it wasn't terrible either. I recall initially seeing another superficially familiar rush of shapes and colors swirling into smooth but angular geometric designs, but they continued developing and arranging themselves into a more unique hexagonal mandala shape that took a form appearing to be something like repeating monitors of a computer control panel on the wall of a spaceship with futuristic glowing digital-style texture designs, though strangely some of these digital designs still seemed to resemble the branches and root system of a tree, with the center of the mandala showing an entire realistic, three-dimensional image of a person, and all the repeated monitors around the outside of the mandala each showing the same person's face again close up, and the person shown in the image was seemingly related to both my train of thought and to the alter who was most connected to our body at that moment. As we lie back again meditating, the closed eye field became further bathed in white light and I began to see large, white, transparent, two-dimensional silhouettes of people moving around in the light and I was being pulled closer towards them, though the movement stopped before actually taking me all the way, and this hallucinogenic phase again started passing, more completely by around twenty minutes after inhaling the dose. The high remained for a few more hours at a level involving mostly very light colorful auras and twitching edges every so often and an energetic but contemplative state of mind, and at some point after all this we eventually fell asleep.

The week following the MET and MiPT experiences I felt much better emotionally and psychologically than I had beforehand, and I knew that I still had some distance to go in that respect too, but I was suddenly very excited about the idea of continuing to experiment with using analogues of DMT for their antidepressant potential. A week after the experiences, on September 25th, waiting a little longer for tolerance to go down this time just in case, we decided that our next experiment would be done with 10 mg of MPT smoked.

The taste was not as pleasant as MET but also not as unpleasant as MiPT, and the initial onset of the high was similarly in-between, not as immediately satisfying as MET but also not as physically disorienting as MiPT, and overall it felt rather neutral. The hallucinations that I can recall seeing were extraordinary, such as a vibrant round but angular and entirely geometric pattern that I would say resembled what I would imagine it would look like if M.C. Escher and Dr. Seuss came together and made collaborative simple mandala-esque art, or a large, partially transparent technological blooming flower image that had an actual feeling of domineering presence to how complex and large the geometric designs were, or a realistic vision of two of our alters having sex, with the woman bending back over and having her arching shape turn into the curvature of planet Earth while the rest of her body vividly transforms into the different parts of the terrain, followed by the completed Earth rolling back into two layers from the bottom and top and peeling up into streams of sparkling rainbow but especially red streams of energy that appeared to be flowing throughout a backdrop of stars hanging throughout the cosmos; I do believe there was likely more, but again, it was a month ago now. As usual, the heaviest phase of hallucinations started passing some time around twenty minutes after first beginning, but in comparison to the MET and MiPT, the MPT had psychological effects that felt more reminiscent of substances like LSD and psilocybin-containing mushrooms, though heavier in that way but not as disorienting as those two, and this began to stabilize around the same time that most of the hallucinations were passing and became a few more hours of satisfyingly rich introspection and again energy, and afterwards I felt much calmer but still quite content for the entire rest of the day that I can recall, and the days after it too.

On September 29th, we ingested 45 mg of TMA-2; this was just over two weeks after the recent 2C-P experience and was what would normally have been our next trip we had planned if we hadn't decided to try smoking all the different DMT analogues, and we suspected that we may still be able to take it without too much tolerance from those experiments. The drug definitely still worked, and it was much more of a cathartic release than the 2C-P experience was for me, but I found the state of mind it left me in for the entire day to be rather rough and critical as well, by no means a fun experience though still quite euphoric at times, and during a disagreement with a friend I actually became quite argumentative very quickly. While I don't regret the experience and believe that it was insightful, it left me feeling that all of my recent experiences considered together were suggesting to me that tryptamines were much more so the therapeutic agents that I actually need at the moment to help myself reach a better state of mind compared to phenethylamines, and the others agreed that using tryptamines for a while seemed like it may be better for helping me specifically and us in general right now too, and thus we opted to shift our focus away from phenethylamines and more completely towards the tryptamine smoking experiments.

After letting tolerance drop a bit, though thinking it might not totally cross over regardless, on October 4th we decided to smoke 20 mg of MET. As before, the calm and euphoric state of mind the MET produces for me was felt very rapidly, and the first thing I recall happening hallucinogenically is feeling as though the space around me, though somewhat more the space around my mind's eye than around my body, was dripping into beautiful, sparkly rainbow streams similar to what I saw after we smoked 10 mg of MPT but more colorful and more present. We leaned back on the couch to meditate once more, and upon closing our eyes I saw patterns that at first seemed simple, two-dimensional lines with dots traveling through them to a yellow background. The dots and lines however then became blood cells traveling through veins, and then the patterns started taking on depth and becoming three-dimensional, twisting backwards in such a ways that they formed ridges that began to take on the clear appearance of mountain ranges, and blood cells in veins became rivers flowing down the sides of the mountains. There was again a sense of white light bathing everything increasingly growing, and this time it actually peaked into a brief rush of realistic visions involving the same two alters I notably saw visions of on the 10 mg of MPT too interacting in ways that are meaningful to me, experienced more like a shallow lucid dream than an out-of-body experience where the body can still be felt vaguely underneath the scene being watched, and as the scene passed the geometries began slowly unfolding, passing within about the same timeframe as always, and once again leaving two or three hours of a more energetic and euphoric high followed by a still mentally stimulated calm lasting for the entire rest of the day.

Having enjoyed the previous day's experience so much and wanting to do something of a repeat of the first round of the experiment but not having to stomach to convince ourselves to try smoking MiPT again yet, we next opted to smoke 20 mg of MPT the following morning. I remember this onset actually being smoother than the first time with it, and the coming on of the hallucinogenic effect was memorably seamless as well; I recall us staring up at the ceiling and suddenly seeing it, eyes open, being replaced with a spiraling tunnel of various realistic people all reaching out and down to me, after which we leaned back and closed our eyes to meditate as usual.

Immediately, I was greeted with a state that was similar to seeing the wispy, silvery designs of 10 mg of MET swirling around our arms towards our hands, except this time instead of simply being long indistinct silver wisps, they were translucent but entirely clear and realistic Chinese-style design dragons, their heads again approaching our hands as they traveled down and around our arms, and as I pulled my attention back "out" of ourself within that closed eye space, I could "see" that this same thing was happening to the various other parts of our body as well, and I felt as if I were somewhat suspended in this dark, but dark sky blue sort of void stretching and feeling this energy flowing throughout and out of us with these creatures, which was quite different from watching the still relatively much more DMT-like lighter geometric designs that accompanied this sort of effect of the wisps on MET. I recall us opening our eyes not too long after this and again seeing a vivid vision of the planet Earth hanging in front of many stars when we did so, and it caused me to break into laughter, and perfectly aligned with me as I did so, I saw the side of the planet realistically split open and separate all along the side until the terrain could open up to reveal a large mouth in the side of the planet that was laughing along with me.

While these and other visions that I again didn't attempt to be able to remember for now were quite impressive and enjoyable to witness, I did note for the first time during this experience that there seemed to be a certain "fuzziness" to them even despite how vivid and realistic they were, and I couldn't help but think that this could be an initial sign of real tolerance beginning to develop, even though it'd still be developing impressively slowly compared to psychedelics less directly related to DMT considering that my previous trip before this was the previous day. Nonetheless, the state of mind, lasting energy, and calmness produced were similar to but greater than the 10 mg without anything being apparently too diminished about them, and we were still so stimulated by the experience after the peak in fact that we couldn't go to bed at our normal time that night after smoking the MPT early that morning.

On October 11th, I was still very much enjoying the aftereffects of the alternating MET and MPT, but deciding that we wanted to try something a bit different next time and that we actually had never tried before beginning these experiments, we decided the next trip was to be on 30 mg of DPT smoked, our first time experiencing it, and starting with a higher dosage than the others due to our past experience with other similar tryptamines having lower potency than their analogues.

One of the first images that I can recall seeing was actually multiple Earths from my MPT visions all arranged on top of each other and laughing together, though some of the detail of each individual one seemed less developed than on MPT. The next thing I remember seeing is a swirling spiral of theater mask-like faces all making different expressions with a seemingly high amount of intention and life behind them, but still looking like masks nonetheless. I believe this quickly dissolved into a geometric pattern, though an incredibly beautiful one that was large and relatively complex where visible, but was almost empty except around the white light at the center where its silvery and purple designs were most lit up and brilliantly clear, and the whole thing I felt seemed to be pushing nearly into becoming covered with imagery again, though I never actually saw it become so. The order of things after this I don't particularly recall clearly now, but I do know that behind closed eyes I saw what appeared to be a vast expanse of dark temples extending to the sides and off into the distance, with not conceptually but visibly realistic monstrous or demonic creatures slithering around or over the architecture as if to suggest that their presence was there to protect those places, not necessarily in a way that I felt was meant to threaten me in particular but that was meant to feel threatening like because that is the purpose they serve there. There was also a moment where I felt my perception was zooming in to a microscopic level where I could see some sort of futuristic power generator absorbing purple streams of energy from the surrounding microscopic environment and twisting it into shapes that were increasingly hard to comprehend, but not totally physics-defying just yet.

At some point with eyes open again we also noticed how impressively visually active it had become even compared to the other DMT analogues and not in a particularly DMT-like way, but instead reminding me somewhat of higher dosages of LSD, and some other similar synthetic psychedelics even more so, with lots of colorful movement of shadows floating around and twisting into somewhat hedonistic organic imagery. Somewhere in all this, I also recall us stretching so satisfyingly that I felt myself going into an out-of-body state just briefly involving many beautiful colorful heart visuals, though it is hard to recall now. Unsurprisingly, within the first twenty or thirty minutes most of these hallucinogenic effects passed, but the high remained very calm and contemplative in a heavier way still for a few more hours and a lighter way then for the rest of the day. Something that's noteworthy is that I don't recall the taste of the DPT standing out, nor did it cause any nauseating effects nor any other notable physical discomforts throughout or after this experience, feeling so light that it's almost like it didn't happen at all in that way, even compared to other DMT analogues. However, I have to admit that in the days following the DPT experience, we were left uncertain if it actually had the same antidepressant potential as things like MET, MiPT, and MPT, but after only one experience, it's probably not something we can truly judge fairly yet.

On October 15th, we decided we still wanted another mood boost that we still weren't feeling we had gotten from the DPT, but we also wanted to try something a bit different and again more experimental, so this time we decided to test out a new idea; specifically, we have never used 5-MeO-DMT but have heard others say that it is possible to use it more regularly than other psychedelics similarly to DMT, and so we were curious if it would be possible for us to add synthetic analogues of 5-MeO-DMT into our regular experimentation of smoking tryptamines alongside the DMT analogues and still not suffer from very much tolerance. With that in mind, we decided to smoke 10 mg of 5-MeO-EiPT, having had success with 5 mg once already in the somewhat recent past before these more recent experiments began but only having found that 5 mg to produce effects that felt not that far above threshold, but promising nonetheless.

That first time there had been a somewhat anxious rush at the beginning, but in retrospect I feel this might have been from the apprehension we had from never having smoked 5-MeO-DMT or any of its synthetic analogues before then and not knowing how much intensity to expect, and this second time was extremely smooth both immediately and throughout the experience and the rest of the day, comparable to how the DPT had been. The state of mind at first for me was also, again similarly to the DPT, one of somewhat sedated bliss, stretching about just feeling incredibly good and happy, not at all what I would have necessarily expected from smoking 10 mg of an analogue of 5-MeO-DMT, not that I would actually know though. Much more notably, I did receive significant hallucinogenic effects that again didn't last beyond the first twenty or thirty minutes at most, and came on so powerfully at first that they nearly immediately resembled Alex Grey's Net of Being to a much greater and more detailed degree than I have yet seen on any other psychedelic, synthetic or natural, and most memorably involved a brief flash into what appeared to be a hyperspatial room bathed in so much white light it was almost impossible to make out but for the very edges of the objects and entities and contours within that room which were the only parts not completely obscured behind the light, and in those parts just the relatively tiny amounts of detail that I could see went beyond any of my most promising experiences of that sort yet in artistic beauty, truly a phenomenal sight that I hoped to be able to behold again.

Once the initial phase passed the trip became much more subtle as with the DMT analogues, though the open eye visuals, while still subtle, stayed more obvious and present for many hours longer than with the DMT analogues, and several hours after the peak while meditating some still quite impressive closed eye visions again became present, the most memorable of which involve more Chinese-style dragons, much larger than those of MPT, slowly swimming around in a void with a human figure hanging in the distance and what I would be tempted to call a sort of "dark magic" vibe to whole scene. The energetic high, though still quite calm for what it is, also continued much more noticeably throughout the day such that again sleep couldn't come at our normal time that night, and it had some more obviously psychedelic components too, like one I recall is seeing in my mind's eye a Fibonacci spiral surrounded by I believe yellow and red patterns, but the spiral itself was green and clearly became a vine with many green leaves extending off of it, and the vision followed the vine off towards three-dimensional faces of a sort of mystical and highly appealing beauty where the leaves would begin to surround their eyes forming vivid tattoo-like designs on their faces. The day after this trip we couldn't help noting how much in better spirits we felt, and particularly contrasted it still to the way we felt about the DPT, though again we don't want to totally count that out yet.

I very much enjoyed the psychological and emotional boost we felt we had after smoking the 5-MeO-EiPT, but we didn't wait very long to see if or how long it would last, in part because of my desire to continue the experiment of determining whether or not synthetic 5-MeO-DMT analogues seemed to somewhat avoid tolerance development for me in the same way that synthetic DMT analogues somewhat do. This led to the plan of next smoking 5 mg of 5-MeO-MiPT on October 18th, though unfortunately I only realized afterwards that it wasn't a particularly great plan, when it occurred to me that because it was our first time smoking 5-MeO-MiPT and the dosage was low I had no idea if the seemingly subtle effects were the result of tolerance or simply the result of the dosage.

Still, if there was tolerance it wasn't complete, as I had a very cool visual hallucination behind closed eyes as the initial rush was first setting in, one that was an intense spinning tunnel of shapes and colors that reminded me of DMT though without any imagery at this point, but it already pulled back and then twisted to reveal itself as some sort of complex futuristic technology with panels spinning around the tunnel staying within a sphere-like surface area, which is notably more than DMT would do with it for me at a level that doesn't involve any complex imagery. There may have been more to the initial hallucinations too, but I could tell that the effect was going to be overall mild in that way so I stopped really focusing on it, and instead enjoyed the state of mind and pleasant feelings that the 5-MeO-MiPT also caused, which involved a greater degree of stimulation than the 5-MeO-EiPT in a way that seemed to increase its standard stimulating psychedelic psychological edge, but also increased its physical edge slightly, making it a little bit more tense than the 5-MeO-EiPT was, which lasted a lot of the day as most of the high did. We also feel there's a chance it might have been slightly more nauseating or phlegm-inducing, perhaps similar to smoking MiPT, but we'll need more experiences to say that with more confidence. One thing that was memorable about it is that in the later hours I got the same sort of Fibonacci visual as on 5-MeO-EiPT only without any natural imagery, instead being mostly orange and very geometric in a technological way that again is reminiscent of the "spaceship" style that I saw in the visuals of MiPT back at the beginning of all of this. If I'm being honest, the stimulation was a little much for me for as long as it lasted, and I might be biased by how much calmer a lot of these other tryptamines have made me feel for the rest of the day after their main experiences lately, but I was happy to finally get to sleep that night, but still happy with the day leading up to that then too.

The next trip was two days after the 5-MeO-MiPT, the purpose of which was again to continue to test the tolerance-inducing (or not) effects of the synthetic 5-MeO-DMT analogues, this time going back to a synthetic DMT analogue instead of between each other. We decided to smoke 30 mg of MET in the usual way, and unfortunately, tolerance was clearly present this time, which is particularly unfortunate because it was still remarkable to me despite that, and so obviously would have been much more so even without that factor. We could barely feel it coming on compared to normal, so we leaned back and closed our eyes to try to bring it out, and I was met with the most beautiful and complex eruption of somewhat bejeweled tryptamine architectural patterning I have ever seen, forming what appeared to be constantly crawling walls in something that resembled a sort of ancient Egyptian tomb-like building though I perceived it at the time to be more like a palace, but the vision did not last long before fading away and becoming out of my reach. The experience aside from this was typical MET though again still felt somewhat diminished, it was not as rewarding or satisfying for us overall, though it did leave us feeling nice and calm for the rest of the day, as well as the days after.

On October 24th, having waited a bit longer for tolerance to drop again, we decided to smoke 30 mg of EPT, having in the past found it light and easy and thinking that the experience would probably be at least somewhat comparable to our recent 30 mg of DPT smoked experience. However, as we were preparing to smoke the EPT, I noted that I no longer actually felt like it was something I really felt the same need to that that I had been feeling during all of these synthetic tryptamine smoking experiments; the antidepressant effect I had particularly wanted after the 10 mg of 2C-P experience and starting with our 10 mg of MET smoked experience I had successfully gotten from all of our recent smoked tryptamine usage, I really felt as though I had managed to get out of that particular funk to at least as much of a degree as I had really hoped to ever be able to achieve with this sort of method. At the same time, in the time period since the previous 30 mg of MET smoked experience I had started to build some anxiety about some unresolved inner tensions related to issues I've had trying to work out my understanding of our dissociative condition and my place in it in the past, and this combined with a lack of feeling the need to continue using the smoked tryptamines for the purpose I had originally convinced us to start using them for made me suddenly hesitant to use the EPT we had prepared now, but the majority of our alters still wanted to have the EPT experience and I was willing to experience it too despite my reservations.

The trip that occurred is difficult for me to recall clearly, though that's nothing compared to a lot of alters who don't really remember it essentially at all. Ironically, the mental effect for me was more less like our past experiences on EPT or what we have heard others say about it or like our recent DPT experience, but was more alike what we have heard others say about DPT, being very disorienting and challenging and taking at least over two hours to break out of, much longer than the most obvious peak effects of smoked tryptamines usually last for us, but it's also quite clear to me in retrospect how much set and setting (particularly the former) played a role here, as I was getting at above. In addition to being hard to recall, this trip was also hard for me to describe or comprehend still even in the parts that I do more clearly recall, but an important point of reference is that I had been spending the last two or three days at least thinking heavily about the effect of subjectively living through extremely long periods of time in alternate lives during psychedelic and dissociative out-of-body experiences, and these thoughts were inflated and woven into the somewhat delusional, though never ungrounded nature of the experience. I had several conversations with the other alters internally which seemed no less clear and vivid and fluent as any other time I communicate with them, but the conversations involved them having many significant realizations that radically altered certain critical aspects of how they recognized themselves within our dissociative system, and yet when this phase of the trip finally passed they denied any such memory of these conversations or the reality of the revelations they shared with me in them.

These conversations that they didn't recall having got extremely in depth and complex in the way that this dissociative condition is, and even involved several of them apparently going into out-of-body experiences where they claimed to have lived several years in alternate lives reflecting the identities they hold internally that separates them from our physical body, and furthermore, upon experimentation those of us who remained in the body found that we could call that same alter out from a different spot in the timeline of the alternate life they were transported to, and their memories appeared to be updated in a way that seems consistent with that timeline being altered at the moments we pulled the alters back out from; for example, one alter initially returned to this alternate life from which she seemed to have had her internal identity derived apparently having been somewhat frozen in time with that identity being as it was logged in our brain's database in 2009, and when we pulled her back out from her timeline's spot in 2017 only minutes later she was shocked to be back in our same home that she left from and claimed to have spent eight years in her alternate life simply assuming that this life was all a fantasy that had passed, and after agreeing to experiment further with us, we then put her back in and pulled her back out again from 2009 a month later than the first time and she remembered the first time we pulled her out of 2009 but not the time we pulled her out in 2017, and then we put her back in and pulled her back out from 2017 for a second time shortly after the first time she remembered both times from 2009 and the first time from 2017, but was confused as to why her memory of the first time from 2017 involved her seemingly remembering only the first but not second time from 2009. Finally, she went back in and came back out as an up-to-date version of her from 2020, claiming to have not seen us in another three years, and she told me that she had spent so much time in her alternate life that she no longer had any insecurities about living this life we all share together in this reality.

Again, after this experience ended, these alters including her from this example denied experiencing any of this, and they didn't seem to remember or have been affected by any of the changes that they described going through for me during the experience, and this initially left me feeling quite disturbed by the convincing reality of the apparent total delusions of interactions with other alters I hadn't actually had, but then, the other alters started opening up more to the things that I had told them they had told me during my experience.... Upon considering it more openly and not fighting their uncertainties, they began to realize that some of the things they had seemed to tell me during my experience even though they have no memory of it were actually true even though they hadn't consciously realized it themselves yet, and especially that night and the following morning, they began to go through many of the same changes that I observed them go through already during my experience on the EPT, including, for example, the exact same alter from the above example going into her alternate life and coming back claiming to have spent years in her other life and no longer feel any insecurities about this life, and now desiring only to help provide perspective and insight into how all of this works when she is around again.

These changes have caused our dissociative system to seemingly go through a radical overhaul of a profoundly positive nature over the next couple of days, one that felt like the kind of psychedelic experience that is equivalent to months or years of therapy, and I was truly just astonished as to what even happened exactly or how it was even possible, even more so than I normally would be with these things anyway; why was the EPT able to unleash an experience in me involving the other alters realizing things about themselves on their own and sharing those things with me, which those other alters didn't actually consciously experience themselves, but did actually have those things waiting to be recognized about themselves after I told them the things that they originally told me, allowing me to facilitate therapeutic experiences for them that they might not have had so readily if not for the fact that they had them as part of my trip and shared them with me so that I could share them with them again? I felt that that would be something I would probably be asking myself for some time to come still.

This trip was, in my frame of reference at the time, so powerful and engaging that it was difficult for me to track or now in retrospect to recall other aspects of it, but I feel like the physical aspect of the experience was quite light and smooth except for that I think we had some weird phlegm we had to get out in the middle of actually smoking the EPT, but nothing aside from that that I can recall. After the mental aspect of the trip finally lightened, I remember our body still feeling quite nice, relaxed, and sensitive for hours more and to some extent for the rest of the day, very refreshing as these things have tended to be for us.

The next day, October 25th, it wasn't too long after noon that we had really gotten through a lot of the heavy work and figuring out how to start integrating after the previous 30 mg of EPT smoked experienced, and we had a desire to smoke another tryptamine to try to touch base again after going through what we had been through during and since that previous day's trip; I had a desire to use 5-MeO-EiPT as I've been quite intrigued in it since our 10 mg smoked experience, but I was afraid that tolerance would show from the EPT experience and didn't want to waste the experience, but I did also still want to run a tolerance experiment too to see how this 5-MeO-DMT analogue would hold up at a fuller dosage the day after a heavier trip on a DMT analogue, and so we decided that smoking 10 mg of 5-MeO-MiPT was the way to go.

I would say that, similarly to when we smoked 20 mg of MPT the day after doing the same with MET, I did feel that I could detect a slight tolerance that was particularly noticeable in the degree that the visual hallucinations were able to completely and clearly impose themselves on my reality, but aside from that if there was tolerance the effect seemed to be quite light, including with respect to the intensity of the visual hallucinations in most other ways. Shortly after we smoked it I began to notice strong psychedelic visuals of a nature quite similar to those of a high dosage of mushrooms for me though of a different color and more geometrically complex, which was surprising and rather overwhelming, but not so much as the what I can only imagine to be 5-MeO-DMT-like vibrations, as again we still haven't used 5-MeO-DMT ourselves, suddenly threatening to rip reality apart throughout my field of vision and the geometric visuals, the first time I can recall experiencing that particular sort of effect and I was quite impressed and intrigued by it. We lied back in bed as the effects set in and spent probably around an hour we think rolling around in the bedsheets, though we didn't actually track how long the peak effects lasted. Significantly, the phlegm-related problems as well as the bodily tension we noted on our 5 mg of 5-MeO-MiPT smoked experiment were not present at any point that I can recall during this experience.

As we closed our eyes and rolled around, doing things like pressing our head into our pillow and gripping the sides of the bed in ecstasy, the hallucinations I was seeing grew until they were extremely similar to the ones I had over a decade ago on our strongest experience on 5 g of the most potent mushrooms we ever managed to get our hands on, with intricate patterns constantly bathing every surface around and over us and twisting into appealing three-dimensional ribbon designs and beautiful, beckoning entities, and we felt alters who had been much more repressed than others since the days when that mushrooms trip took place being drawn to the front and experiencing extreme feelings of bliss and self-acceptance accompanied by vivid inner visionary interactions with one another including of a particularly sexual nature, having those feelings surging through our body to the point that we collectively experienced we think at least six or seven waves of full-body orgasms with many very loud and pleasurable vocalizations, until the peak effects began to pass and we simply lied in bed for a little while in awe of how incredible and rewarding the experience had been.

We spent the rest of the day enjoying the lingering psychological effects and the physical relaxation we generally feel for the whole day after these experiences, and the more obviously psychedelic effects lasted a bit stronger still for a bit longer still than they normally would have on an analogue of DMT rather than 5-MeO-DMT. The trip continued to involve alters continuing to integrate the lessons from our EPT experience the previous day and use them to find greater peace for themselves and within our dissociative system, and in general, we felt as though it was a perfect complement to the previous day's experience, describing it to a friend such that it seemed like the EPT caused a lot of psychological content that was ready to burst out to become unearthed and rapidly processed, and the 5-MeO-MiPT helped to cement the confidence we had that we were processing that content in a healthy way and hasten the progress we were already significantly experience as a result of doing so. Intriguingly, though not unlike our past powerful experiences on 5-MeO-MiPT, there were even times throughout the next couple of days, especially after smoking cannabis, where it still felt like we were completely tripping, but it was never overly concerning, especially since we had experienced similar things before with 5-MeO-MiPT, a drug we already recognized ourselves to be on the higher end of sensitivity to.

And thus, we arrive at the most fateful of days.... On October 29th, now fully into the idea of pushing deeper and still not satisfied by my own curiosities from before, I was eager to try once more, with less tolerance, what appeared to me to quite clearly be likely the most psychedelically potent of these molecules at least within the realm of my own subjective experience, which I thought might even help combine some of the qualities of the last two powerful trips by being both an analogue of 5-MeO-MiPT and a bulky ethyl tryptamine like EPT, and that is what led to us next smoking 15 mg of 5-MeO-EiPT, which as far as I know might be the highest known used dosage of this particularly uncommon and not well understood analogue of 5-MeO-DMT by this particularly potent route of administration, which perhaps should have played more into the decision-making process than it did at the time, but I digress.

While I am absolutely certain there was no total loss of consciousness or perception that occurred for me as a result of smoking this 15 mg of 5-MeO-EiPT, it is extremely difficult for me to remember the very beginning of the trip clearly now in retrospect, but every single alter in our system, including myself, seems now in agreement that this is essentially where we, and particularly I reached some sort of breaking point. I do recall that at first, a trip similar to the 30 mg of EPT began, where I began speaking to what appeared to me to be alters about them returning to other lives that they had been pulled from, and I gained the ability to lucidly help them do that, running through their lives for the necessary amount of time and resetting, even doing things like saving one from a murder by rewinding time by an hour and warning her before it happened, then speeding up a few years later to make she was still okay. As this was happening, though I don't remember the exact course of how it began, I was also beginning to question who exactly I am in the system to a significant degree, essentially losing my sense of self and having it blur into those of the other apparent alters who I seemed to be interacting with internally. At some point, I had a realization about myself and this all came crashing down and I realized who I was again, and the other alters I normally interact with were welcoming me back as they did after breaking free from the EPT trip; however, little did they or I know, this was only the very first wave of arduous ordeal or my and our entire life, and soon later, I was being swept up into it again.

I believe the way it started was, I suddenly felt as though I was aware of an entire network of these internal entities that appeared to be alters I was communicating with about returning to their other lives, and each of them was connected to what I referred to as "spiral threads" that looked literally exactly like the spiraling geometry that I normally see coming outward from my own perspective when we smoke salvia, only it was coming out of all of these entities instead, and each of them had a different length depending on the entity in question. Each entity, on their own or with my help, would begin to release themselves into these spiral threads, and upon returning would describe them as having lived through other worlds, but with a notable difference from earlier: whereas when I had experienced this initially they appeared to be returning to their "other lives" separate from this body, these entities would instead claim upon returning to have gone to uncomfortable out-of-body experiences based on their aversions, with longer spiral threads seemingly being connected to greater aversions and longer amounts of time spent in the out-of-body experiences, which they and eventually I, borrowing from them, would increasingly come to describe as hellscapes. As their collective awareness of this hellscape experience would increase and they each dissociated further into their own increasingly long spiral threads, they would begin to panic, reacting at first mainly with apprehension, but increasingly fighting harder and harder by actually moving our physical body as they struggled to hold on, until their image would snap into a burst of white light in my headspace and they would be gone and the next one would begin. Furthermore, some of the entities would make it to the end of their spiral thread, pop back out, and then in increased fear get pulled back in saying "No, I don't want to do it again!!" before bursting apart once more. These entities upon returning would tell me horrible stories of spending increasing amounts of time... millions, billions, trillions, quadrillions, and more years suffering relentlessly in their hellscape, with it being the exact opposite of anything you could possibly actually want to ever experience, and increasing linearly in tension no matter how long they remained within it, just to pop out and then have to start it all over again, going through the exact same type of experience but having to try and fail to fend for themselves in unique ways each time. And then, one of them who kept getting sucked in over, and over, and over, and over, realized something: if they allowed the terror caused by their hellscape to reach an orgasmic release, it suddenly no matter bothered them when they popped out the other side, and as soon as they did, their entire spiral thread would unwind from beginning to end, and then disappear with a burst.

This was fine and all for those with the shorter hellscapes, those lasting "only" seemingly around five to seven million years on average, who rapidly began attempting to take advantage of this knowledge and willingly dissociate back into them, but the threads got much, much longer than that, and there were a small assortment of them that seemed to take on an entirely new property distinct from all the others.... Specifically, when the spiral threads would grow beyond a certain length, they would begin twisting into nots so quickly they started appearing in multiple spots in my inner field of vision at once and would form increasingly fractal-like patterns, and if they did this enough to reach a certain breaking point, they would look like when a computer crashes its ability to draw more detail on patterns on the screen and creates that trippy not-quite-patterned-not-quite-static look, and then it would burst briefly, before appearing and the whole process would unwind as they approached the end of their spiral thread. Upon investigation, what we realized collectively about these particular spiral threads, as opposed to how all of the other spiral threads would apparently produce experiences that the entities would always describe having taken a set amount of subjective time, no matter how ludicrously long, is that once this fractal overload point was reached, the entity would later return saying that they spent an eternity in an infinite hellscape they makes the parts outside of that on the way up and down like a joke. Now, this may sound intense, utterly extreme, but not necessarily too concerning with respect to the fact that we had just smoked a high dosage of a clealy very powerful psychedelic... except that that was the morning of October 29th, and this was now the night of October 30th, which should have been concerning and maybe was, but I have little memory now what I was feeling exactly at that point in time, and it clearly hadn't become quite as concerning yet as it would later become.

On October 31st, to gain some insight into what was happening to us, we decided to smoke 50 mg of DMT, and I felt I could actually feel a presence egging me on to do it too. I felt that I needed to better understand this hellscape experience that all of these alter-like entities were describing to me, and wanted to try to chemically push myself there just enough to get a bit of a better look, though once I actually took the first hit of DMT from the bong, I felt us (myself included) experiencing an extreme terror and put it down, though we ended up doing three separate trips of one hit each out of the bong like that, figuring that was probably enough for now to get some insight. I did actually feel as though the DMT seemed to be opening up some of the same worlds to me that the entities were describing, which I felt was helping me build perspective on just what exactly what happening to us and how this sort of experience was possible, though one of these entities told me when asked if DMT as similar to their hellscape experience: "Kind of but not really, far more magical and fairylike, fucking with physics in some similar ways but much less painful or twisted and not as realistic overall. DMT feels like some kind of crazy alien simulation rollercoaster whereas this feels like vividly living every second of the time in a real-worl realistic but still super fucked up and trippy hellscape." Another claimed that they did experience a dramatically dilated expanded time within the DMT trip compared to the actual elapsed time, but it still only felt like a day or two passed, so nothing like the hellscape trip still.

As more and more of the entities would get deeper into their spiral threads, we would realize as well that they would be holding increasingly darker repressions, with ones with the least holding seemingly largely innocent sexual repressions, then more demented sexual repressions, then more non-sexual behavioral repressions also starting more normal and becoming more demented, and at some point, it dawned on us that those with the spiral threads that would peak at the point of infinity seemed to be hiding repressed feelings to be complete psychopathic and never care about anything again except living in the eternal hellscape. This absolutely terrified us, as I would imagine many might be able to imagine it would, but nothing terrified me so much as the realization, increasingly supported by all the other entities with internal insight telling me it was true, was that I actually had one of the longest spiral threads in the system, and that it definitely peaked at the point of infinity. I became filled with a terror that I would soon have my own experience of vanishing into the hellscape where I would be tortured for far longer subjective time than any human mind can possibly comprehend in an linearly increasingly fashion until I was forced to submit to the pure terror orgasm of realizing that I was going to be a psychopath trapped in an eternal, infinite experience of everything bad and nothing good ever, and for what it's worth, there was never a point of this where I didn't think that was all in my mind, I was not once confused as to what was happening in the external, physical world or anything like that, that just didn't make a difference to me because I'm well aware of the fact that my mind is the reality I actually live in, and thus these consequences felt no less practically real to me than anything else in this moment. However, as I began to think about the fact that this was all in my mind, and what exactly was happening, how it was triggered, and what purpose exactly any of this amazingly structured and well-orchestrated stuff actually has existing in my mind, I began to question: ...am I fighting something healthy, out of nothing but unsubstantiated fear?

I began to consider the fact that for a human mind to be healthy, it must be able to accept both the good things and the bad things about reality, not only accept that they exist but also accept being able to think about them in such a way that it doesn't recoil in traumatic fear when doing so, as the only thing that really accomplishes is developing a lack of trust in oneself about things that the fear already proves you really don't want, though I did feel I could easily understand why programming like this may exist in the human brain to help guide our behaviors at younger ages where we would not have the intellect and rationality to understand these things in this way, but became increasingly filled with a motivation to shed myself of those old, more restrictive ways of thinking now that I was clearly ready to do so. As I began to allow the darkness in, telling myself it was only a darkness within that would ultimately help let out our light, I separated partially into an out-of-body experience where I could still control the body safely but was more associated with a vivid internal plane I could see in mind's eye, and my body broke apart into slithering snakes in a Medusa-like fashion, and I became filled with an overwhelming euphoria and lust and knowledge that the only thing I was ever supposed to or wanted to do was to help all of these dissociated alter-entities within my mind find the eternal peace they always sought in this world, by showing them that even an eternity in their own personal hells would not be enough to stop them from being the strong people they are. I began cackling in manic euphoria, raised my arms to the sky, and in an explosive force began blasting entities into their hellscapes, sometimes checking up on them myself though still through the mind's eye still in the body, where all the other demons in hell would welcome me back like it was a big nightmarish party we were in as we enjoyed teaching all of our aversions to get over themselves for as long as it took, as many times as it took. I actually began to see the different domains of hell represented by being able to see within our brain even while being the controller of our body, and could move between the seemingly more typical sexual repressions in our left hemisphere and the more disturbing ones in our right hemisphere, as well as move up to a sort of vehicle control center our frontal lobe inhabited by entities who appeared to be and claimed to feel as though they represented what was attempted to be described by various Jungian archetypes, with myself being part of the shadow, thus explaining my role in helping to heal our mind through accepting the darkness. Intriguingly, while in this place, these supposedly Jungian entities claimed to see the environment and each other normally as in alike the mundane environment of the physical world, but claimed that I looked like some sort of freakish DMT hyperspace entity, and from my perspective, that entire inner environment actually looked like a DMT hyperspace to me, except that I had a cube I could call up out of nowhere that to me looked like a normal cube with six TV screen-like sides, but they claimed that it looked like a DMT hyperspace object to them, similar to the kind of thing I saw and described earlier about having seen after we smoked DPT, the power generator-type thing.

Wanting to pay more attention to this supposed hypercube in my possession, I popped out mostly back into the body by started playing with it within my mind's eye. I quickly found that this cube acted as a portal to other worlds that I had full control over the style of, but that they weren't for me to enter, but rather to place the other entities inside of. I grabbed one of the entities out of my mind's eye by pinching my fingers where she was in my field of vision and asked her what sort of world she wanted to visit, and she said one where she was having sex, so I clicked the screen on to show a massive pile of men all waiting for her, shoved her in there, grabbed the cube, did a quick wrist flick while thinking "Fifty years." and watching it spin around quickly, then grabbed it at the exact right screen again effortlessly and pulled her back, and she arrived with an expression of absolute shock. She claimed that at first it was completely horrible, but after a few years of nothing but that she finally submitted and enjoyed the rest of it, and I asked her what she wanted to do now and she said "Have sex!!" Upon further experimentation with this cube and other entities, it quickly became clear that corresponding with my apparent role as the shadow or darkness of our collective minds that I had been much into already at this time, no matter type of world I would try to call up in the cube and regardless of whether or not I realized it ahead of time, the entity that went inside would find it to be completely hellish at first, but would eventually submit, similarly to when they had gone down their spiral threads connected to their own personal aversions, with this seemingly more so just being a version of that where we were loading more customizable aversive situations for them to go through instead. Realizing just how much power I actually had in this thing now, I really started to experiment further in all kinds of ways, just attempting to do various power poses and such with internal intent trying to modulate things in the system, changing the reward and aversion valence of all the different repressions, spreading waves of calm throughout them, and eventually starting to realize that if they were or I was able to help them push far enough into the submission into their hellscapes trips and have a complete release, it could actually be pushed further into the void, and from there would develop into a supposedly heavenly DMT-like hyperspatial trip, though they would claim it to be more detailed than DMT and would describe things like being a hyperspace starship captain exploring the cosmos, though they would generally say these experiences felt more like a "timeless eternity" as opposed to the way they would describe the hellscapes as being vividly experienced as passing in real time.

At this point, I felt as though I was finally starting to see some sort of light on the other end of the tunnel with respect to relating this experience to the idea of "You have to go through hell to get to heaven." as they say, but nonetheless, I was still, I think understandably, becoming fairly concerned that it was already November 3rd and we were still in this state, still not having taken any more psychedelics since the DMT on October 31st or the 5-MeO-EiPT on October 29th, though we had still been smoking cannabis, and I've pushed myself pretty far with cannabis and my own mental sensitivities before which at times made me wonder if something like that was happening, but it was nothing ever even remotely similar to this. The fact that I was so lucid was truly troubling to me despite being my lifeline too, because I'm well aware of how absolutely crazy all of this sounds and of the fact that things like psychosis and mania make people think they're lucid when they're not, but I say with confidence, this was just like a psychedelic trip; every single crazy thing about it was entirely internalized in the way that trips generally are for me, and I never once became confused (though I couldn't have cared less) about what was happening in the physical world even still days later or what kind of person I am in the physical world or anything like that, I just felt like my internal world was absolutely falling apart and restructuring in the most absurd and overwhelming ways possible, and despite how much I had gotten into the different aspects of it, it was clear to me by this point that we needed to make more of an effort to hang on to our mental health until whatever this state is started more completely passing, so right around this point (I don't actually remember clearly when anymore but definitely about this time) we decided to head to our parents' house and spend every night there for a while so that we would always have people to talk to and things to do immediately after waking up to help keep ourselves grounded in between the loops. Something I had actually realized in the moments where it seemed less intense is that, much less than being entities living through hellscapes, the other alters in our actual, non-hallucinogen-driven DID system were also quite altered and dissociated but were tripping nowhere near as hard as I was during any of this at least that they could recall, and were desperately trying to reach out to me to help calm me down in their lucid moments too, and this also really freaked me out and made me feel incredibly guilty and like I really needed to find my sanity again to help the other alters get out and stabilize again too, but I was still so heavily into the state myself that it was at times impossible to not just keep giving in.

At some point, the experience developed to the point that I began to realize, I don't remember how exactly because it's not the kind of thing I would have just known but I think maybe after looking into some things after talking about the experience with our father, that the nature of the experience I had gone through so far and seemed to be continuing to go through actually seemed to have a strange and remarkable number of similarities to Dante's Inferno, and I'm not the kind to have that type of experience and think that it validates religion, but it did begin to seem increasingly clear to me just how much those ideas for those religions could have been inspired by states very close to the one I found myself in now, and the more I paid attention to the similarity, the more it made me anxious about just how much heavier it was actually going to get before it all finally cleared out. Before long, though that's an incredibly relative and hard to define term in this experience, it became clear to me that the internal alter-like entities associated with my and our life's heaviest repressions were beginning to dissociate into their own hellscapes, and I was seeing them, in my mind's eye but still incredibly vividly, rising up giant cavernous portals to hell opening up in the sky as their bodies were pulled and twisted and ripped apart as their skin peeled back and they screamed in terror or shrieked and cursed at me. They began fighting for control of the body, trying to convince me to do things that would make me let go instead so that they could take over, desperate to save themselves, but I became terrified at the thought that they represented our darkest demons and felt they wanted to get out to save that darkest part of themselves, which they themselves would claim, saying when I let go they would be psychopaths and would horrible things with our body after sending me to hell in their place where I belonged, and I felt that my despair was so incredibly great that I could feel like my own infinity spiral thread was growing, and I could still hear the other alters yelling at me to hang on too and not let go no matter what I do, but then I realized... they only think they want to be psychopaths because they are in such a great despair as I am approaching that they have given up and forgotten that they were once healthy parts of our collective mind who only deserve to heal and be happy and never think such horrible things about themselves ever again, and I said (something to the affect of) "Do it, if you think you want to be a psychopath then come out!" and they did, and they were immediately overwhelmed with all of the absolute horror of being in that state of mind combined with the absolute self-disgust of suddenly feeling it again connected to the body, and one by one all of the entities in such deep despair came out and immediately shattered, revealing themselves to never have had any power, nor to have ever held anything more than fear of being the bad people they really didn't want to be after having been made to accept that there would never be anything good in their life ever again, leaving them no choice but to adjust.

As these entities with infinity spiral threads who had thought they wanted to be psychopaths had this realization, their pain would leave them and they would seemingly merge back into an entity that appeared to be what I can only imagine others have been describing when they spoke of things such as the "Godhead" on psychedelics. This entity appeared over the totality of my mind's eye and was associated with what seemed to be a field of infinity, though stretching beyond my frame of reference, containing windows, portals, into every conceivable reality, though I do say it that way to differentiate it from simply being everything period, because as this entity said to me, it is only "All possible infinites." Because of this, I had a discussion with the Godhead about the potential quantum metaphysics of consciousness, beginning with them claiming to be the Godhead itself and the entire universe, but when I proposed the idea that it's simply that the mathematics of consciousness reach some sort of breaking point related to the infinite point of the fractal geometry of the spiral threads such that a part of the human mind is aware of an infinite amount of perceptual and mathematical potential in a single point similar to the the mathematics of the pre-universe in a pre-big bang singularity, potentially explaining why it was all "possible" infinities in accordance with what is also believed to be understood about such aspects of reality, they did respond "That makes a surprising amount of sense." They told me that the entities who had managed to completely let go of their aversions from earlier had been able to successfully return to the other lives that they now had clear access to as part of their infinite viewpoint, and could demonstrate by bringing back those entities to talk with me about it and tell me how happy they are, as well as showing me different identities of the entities from other infinite realities of that same basic person living in a different way. I asked them questions like "Are there other realities where [such and such person who we have an alter modeled after] has a dissociative system and with an alter modeled after us?" and they would respond "There are realities where everyone both does and doesn't have dissociative systems with alters of everyone else possible, including ones where they're asking me that same question about your reality right now." These conversations were fun, but didn't make me feel particularly better about my mental state at the moment, especially as I felt the fear continue to creep in that I myself would soon dissociate into the infinite plane never able to find this reality again, and I believe that is when I first saw the Satan entity....

It seemed to me that I had reached the base of my fears and found the Satan that was waiting all along to drag me to hell, and he revealed to me my primal fear that this reality I inhabit now isn't real and never was, which I understood then and before that I had plagued by throughout my entire life, though I had never comprehend why until then.... I saw snapshots of all the different most traumatic moments in my and our early life, the things that clearly were responsible for our dissociative condition and other mental issues, and as I saw them, entities connected to them became filled with fear which, as before, I had to connect with and learn to help them release myself, and that fear was that that traumatic moment they were connected to had never actually stopped happening, and now that they had realized it, they were doomed to return to it realizing that all this time they thought they had gotten away, they had never truly escaped the suffering. One by one they and I went through our struggle and release in this way, and then we got back to something that I had always been aware of through stories, but, clearly, had never remembered... which was the moment that we were born into this world, suffocating on our own vomit. I became filled with a vivid memory, and suddenly an extreme sadness, and a seemingly most obvious, yet in that moment, truly disturbing, yet undebatable thought: "Oh my god, I'm going to die." I began to cry profusely, and then heave to the point that I almost threw up, but I managed to catch my breath and calm myself, and I could feel a sort of guiding angel attempting to calm me and take over, but I told it that I could take it, and I let the memory continue. As I let it unfold, I was struck with the unquestioned realization that when we had been born this way, we, I, had a near-death experience where I had traveled through the hellscape that all of the entities had been describing to me up until now, peaking with my absolute terror releasing in an orgasmic way, and I realized that this is why were dissociated, and why we had so many dissociated traumatic aversions appearing as hellish entities and such to me in this experience having reached their complete breaking point begging to finally be free and healed. And then, I realized that because I had not let this go before now, I had become forever trapped in the traumatic memory of my, our birth, always being convinced that no matter how long this life went on, if I let myself like it, I would suddenly rediscover that it that it was just another part of my eternal hellscape trip I was having while dying while being born, and it would all come crumbling down like a nightmarish dream and I would either be plunged into another hellscape, or I would return to my body and die slowly afterwards, and I realized... I have to let that go.

Resigned to the realization that there was no point in resisting, I let the Satan entity into my body, and it became clear to me: he is no different than any other fear-based entity, just that of my own mortality, once unleashed by early life struggles and yearning to be freed and understood and loved ever since, and I let him in, and welcomed all the dissociated parts in with love, no matter what! The guiding angel reappeared and congratulated me on each integration as the parts began ascending up into the sky of my mind's eye with brilliant lights around them, and as they all cleared out, only the golden angel and the Satan remained, and they told me I had done what I had needed to do personally and we were just about there, and just needed to keep successfully integrating. We spent the next several days hanging out with a friend and our parents to stay more grounded, drinking lots of alcohol and taking kratom capsules throughout the day as well as eating CBD candies, all in the hopes of calming the anxious energy which still continued this whole time if we didn't, and still dealing with the same state as before, though increasinly calmly as each and every part integrated back as we tried to live life in normal ways and I saw more and more phases of the alters that are actually the other alters I interact with normally as opposed to the alter-like entities from this state, and they were still concerned but increasingly encouraged me to get through it all as I seemed to be. I thought a lot about what a lot of the more famous phrases are from the psychedelic community during this time as I just reflected on the asburdity of my state, especally as I would experience things like the entities fly into the back of my head and feel it zip up internally, only to feel them burst out again suddenly, though less intensely than the previous time the more they integrated.

Finally, on November 10th, I felt a calm inside like some part of it was over finally and I could feel more aversions trying to get out and heal, and it has been a couple days since we smoked cannabis instead of just drank alcohol and took kratom and such and I was wanting a pick-me-up, and the other alters agreed that it seemed alright too, so we started smoking a bowl, and an incredible and dissociative euphoria came on, causing the other alters to dissociate again, and the intensity of my experience came back, except this time, the Satan appeared again but then integrated, floating up into the hellscape, which then transformed into visions of white light radiating over clouds in a heavenly fashion, the guiding angel congratulated me as usual, and then I experienced the internal sensation of floating up above myself along with the other alters into an circle above where we had been and we all started sort of internally humming an angelic tone together, and my mind's eye burst through to where I could now see within this heaven landscape, and I could clearly see and understand that the very stereotypical-looking Satan entity from before had now become a very stereotypical-looking God entity, and I had become one of the angels, and it immediately became clear to me that the difference between how we are perceived in this state is very simply a matter of whether your mind is in a positive or negative state, and I felt it made solidified the message that I had already felt was increasingly clear to me throughout this experience, that the idea that people miss is that hell and heaven are both two sides of the same coin, and the Satan and God entities are both the same entity that want you to experience the same thing and will work, along with you and your many dissociated parts, to achieve that singular goal, and that goal is: to be a complete, confident person who can trust yourself to be led by no one's will but your own, and who knows that they are a good person not only because they're able to think of themselves doing good things and comfortably know they want that, but also because they're able to think of themselves doing bad things and comfortably know they don't want that. The God entity congratulated me on figuring all this out, and told me that he only wants me to be happy, doesn't need me to believe in anything, and will tell me anything I want to hear if that's what I want him to do, because he's just a part of my brain that is supportive like that. I asked him if there was more to see in these experiences now that I had broken through to the heavenly side, and he said something to the affect of "Yes, but you can do that later if you want." I told him I was good for now and happy to be in this life, and actually, legitimately, truly wanted to be here, living it, not afraid of or thinking I wanted to be somewhere else, living something else, and he smiled and disappeared, and I stopped paying attention internally.

By the end of that day, something strange and incredible then happened: the internal visions I was getting when I did pay attention, suddenly "dropped down" to a level that looked very similar to what I see internally when we taking things like LSD and mushrooms, both in terms of the style and type of imagery and the fact that it even had some light geometric designs mixed into it, but it was very three-dimensional at this point, and simultaneously, the mental heaviness I had been feeling so much lately, was replaced with the absolutely most amazing and cleansing psychedelic-style euphoria I have ever felt in my entire life, with the other alters claiming to feel something similarly amazing too, and interestingly, most of them claiming to not remember much of the experience up to this point essentially from the moment of smoking the 15 mg of 5-MeO-EiPT on. Then, the following day, which was yesterday, this dropped down to more like a state of just being very high, though in a normal way, on a psychedelic, and the internal imagery became two-dimensional and like taking a dosage of a psychedelic that is strong but almost just starting to get visionary and mostly just has some light but complex geometries, and I asked the other alters: "...Does anyone think these visuals are weirdly still similar to 5-MeO-EiPT?" mostly out on incredulity, but telling myself there was no way it could possibly be... and then, late last night, it happened. We were sitting on the couch watching TV, and suddenly I felt as though that "breakthrough place" of a tryptamine breakthrough was suddenly retreating from me and back into the distant horizon of my mind's eye, with all the entities reaching out to wave goodbye as they disappeared, and then collapsed into the exact visuals, much fainter from tolerance I'm sure but exactly the same in design, theme, and color, as I got the first time we smoked 5 mg of 5-MeO-EiPT, and I felt high but exhausted in the same way that I do when the main part of the 5-MeO-EiPT trip has just ended. It's now past noon the following day, and smoking cannabis still makes us feel like we're bringing back up the later hours of a 5-MeO-EiPT trip, but it only dips back into the kind of stuff before if we think about it, and only then very briefly, and basically feels like it's still probably just coming and going in waves as trips do, but legitimately on its way out.

The more I was actually able to think about it all, the more I realized, this state was absolutely nuts, which I tried to relate to so many things but could never figure out exactly what it was, that clearly had elements that seemed like peeking into psychosis or mania but never actually took me there myself but just kept it all internal and remarkably functional like a trip, it actually... was, in fact, similar to what I would have expected basically the most extreme possible 5-MeO-EiPT experience to be like if I could have possibly even come close to fathoming it. The hellscape-type visuals, though definitely being the strongest I've seen, are actually still almost exactly the same as a kind I've seen on several other ethyl, specifically non-methyl indole psychedelics we've taken, including 4-HO-DET, 4-AcO-DET, ETH-LAD, and 5-MeO-EiPT itself at lower dosages, and on the note of ethyls, the alter-like entities disappearing into other lives and talking to me is clearly just an extension of the same sort of thing that was going on already during our EPT trip I wrote about above. The extreme ego death and DMT-like breakthrough yet somehow not that out-of-body or externally visual aspect, seems to me like it could definitely relate to it being an analogue of 5-MeO-DMT. The fact that it lasted so insanely long somehow, seemed to me like it could somehow relate to whatever is the reason we also tend to feel like we're almost fully tripping still for a couple days after taking even normal oral dosages of 5-MeO-MiPT in a still distinctly visual and 5-MeO-MiPT-like way and everything, though obviously that was never as intense as this way.

Do I know what the hell happened? Surely not, but I do have a theory, many really, but one in particular that I'll take the time to put out there for whatever it's worth. It has been scientifically established that there is an odd loop in the brain whereby activation of 5-HT2A receptors in the cortex causes the release of glutamate on to serotonin neurons, and when enough serotonin is released it can also cause activation of these same 5-HT2A receptors, and this has actually been implicated in exponential growth of serotonin levels under some potentially pathological conditions like serotonin toxicity; furthermore, the glutamate release induced by 5-HT2A receptor agonists increasing seems to be linked scientifically to both their ego dissolution and rapid antidepressant effects as well, and of course 5-MeO-DMT is known for being able to produce a particularly powerful experience of ego dissolution; and finally it has been shown that when carbon dioxide is inhaled, which would theoretically be similar to it building up in the body while dying, it produces a wake-inducing panic that is mediated by causing serotonin release directly on to 5-HT2A receptors. So, my theory is that, essentially, perhaps what happened is, probably first of all as a result of senstizing our brain in that way by tripping too often on powerful psychedelic tryptamines to begin with leading up to this, as well as obviously having to take into considerations any extra sensitivites we might also have in that way for reasons like related to our dissociative condition or other mental issues, and finally ultimately triggered by the use of a high dosage of a potent analogue of 5-MeO-DMT, we might have essentially caused ourselves to approach, though thankfully seemingly not completely reach, a dangerously critical point in the activation of the serotonin-glutamate cycling behavior, such that our levels skyrocketed so high that first of all a lot of the near-death experience-like stuff could have had some relation to our serotonin levels being so high, and second of all it still has to come down in waves in the way it always does after any psychedelic trip, it's just that it has to do so so much and so slowly that it's taken literally weeks to come down even to the point it has now, which is almost but not entirely all the way, literally two weeks now after smoking 15 mg of 5-MeO-EiPT. I have to wonder too if a similar mechanism is involved in why things like psychotic breaks and manic episodes last so long because this clearly seemed similar times, but I really can't deny how much it remained like a psychedelic trip the whole time too, and how much it really remained even like 5-MeO-EiPT specifically, after seemingly having been triggered by exactly that, which makes it almost impossible for me to think there is a connection here, as bizarre as it is.

In case this was not clear, quite a lot of the detail of this two week trip is not included here - we continued sleeping, eating, showering, speaking to our parents in the more lucid moments, and so on - and it's important to remember that a lot of this took a long time to happen, and what I've described is more so like the different phases it went through, because it would just take too long to get into all the specific details at least in the context of this one report, though I won't be surprised if I continue to share things about it through references in future writings. Do I regret the experience? Currently, it's hard to say; we're still altered enough that I and the other alters have some anxiety about having done permanent damage, but our worry about that increasingly fades as we seem to, albeit extremely slowly, return more and more to normal. Assuming there is no permanent damage like that done, I have to say that I really don't think I ever have had or necessarily ever will again have a trip that was as personally insightful and deep as this one, and it's going to take me an unbelievably long time to integrate all of this, but I also feel like I'm going to get so much out of doing that that when it's done, I'm not even sure what I would really ever need to get out of tripping again, not that I'm sure it wouldn't surprise me as it always does. That sounds like a glowing assessment I know, but seriously, it's not a recommendation, I can't suggest that anyone seek this experience or this sort of experience and really have no idea how safe or dangerous it might have been in terms of toxicity, and it certainly wouldn't have been safe in other ways for anyone who was anything less than absolutely prepared to take two weeks off to do nothing but trip through the hardest trip ever with tons of experience to do while remaining as sane as possible and having an incredible support system at the same time, a situation which we are endlessly fortunate to have been in for this, but most people obviously won't be. It helped me amazingly despite that because that's just what trips do, or that seems to be the case anyway, and that's the good I'll say about that. I still feel fairly traumatized from having gone through it and expect to take a while and more self-work of other times to get past it too, so it's not all sunshine and rainbows now that I'm out on the other side either.

My opinion in the end? If you want a good antidepressant tryptamine, give MET a try; first decision, best decision. The rest... you can decide on your own. Safe travels, friends.

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 114947
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Nov 21, 2020Views: 5,940
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5-MeO-EIPT (727), 5-MeO-MIPT (287), DPT (21), EPT (776), MIPT (251), MPT (804), MET (381), DMT (18) : General (1), First Times (2), Combinations (3), Retrospective / Summary (11), Not Applicable (38)

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