Citation: Achillobator. "To Cure My Porn Addiction: An Experience with LSD & Syrian Rue (exp115033)". Erowid.org. Sep 2, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115033
I Used LSD to Cure My Porn Addiction
(I didn't at the time know the dosage until I got an estimate based on how many tabs I took from their source which ended up being like 170-200 per tab)
I'll start with my history of drugs prior to this experience. In about the span of 10 months I had tried Mescaline, LSD, LSA, DXM, muscimol, psilocybin, DMT, and salvia all multiple times but my favorite was LSD I had done it about 7 times prior to this and 4 out of those 7 times were high doses usually 4 tabs which I am unsure the amount on them. I wasn't doing it for recreation though, I had an addiction to pornography that I was trying to solve and for an FYI it wasn't for any christian moral reason, I am not christian at all I am a animist (with germanic pagan elements, and not like those kids who say they are germanic pagan because they like vikings I mean like it's actually part of my ancestry so I deem it important) that worships the archetypes of predatory animals, pretty dedicated too like I eat raw meat all the time in rituals etc for it. Eventually I realized I was going to have to do something drastic to rewire my brain. (for the purpose of "research" I'll add that I have Aspergers syndrome although I doubt that played into this situation). I obtained some "stronger" tabs that were gel and not paper this time and planned to take them the next morning, in combination with syrian rue seeds to make it REALLY count.
The entire day prior I prepared myself for an entheogenic ritual the next day intended to cleanse myself of my pornography addiction. I awoke the next morning and after about an hour decided it was time. I wrote the purpose I was doing this in my notebook and the time of consumption. I drank a shake made from water and syrian rue seeds and put 5 tabs under my tongue, then I took a cold shower while doing wim hof breathing until I felt the first effects of a comeup. I then got out of the shower and put clothes on and went for a walk around the neighborhood while listening to carbon based lifeforms. I then made it to this trail near my house and started to realize I was feeling effects stronger than the peak of my last trip which was probably around 400 micrograms. I checked my phone and it had barely been 30 minutes. I began to panic thinking that I was surely going to be caught and I went off the trail into this more wooded area and I tripped on the ground *fell out of my body saw myself trip and then fell back into my body* this made me panic even more as I was really starting to forget who I was and I walked home as fast as I could.
Once I got home I did not feel good at all the visuals were very overwhelming but my motor function and ability to walk were fine so I went outside to water my garden to try and distract myself but it wasn't working, it was like I didn't even understand what the plants were unlike other trips were I felt they were alive and full of love
it was like I didn't even understand what the plants were unlike other trips were I felt they were alive and full of love
. I went in the house and paced around for a while and then called my Buddhist friend who has done lots of psychedelics in meditation, he kept telling me to let go but I just couldn't there was nothing to let go of I had pretty much lost my ego at this point. I didn't really feel like I was myself at all like I knew who I was calling and I knew what place I was in but it was like I wasn't actually there and there wasn't really an I. My perception was just this strange awareness. I remember telling him "it's bad it's bad" and everything I said didn't feel like like words were actually coming from me or that they meant anything.
I then went to my younger brother's room and he was sleeping because he worked night shifts and I woke him up and told him to call my mom because I was going to die or something and he didn't seem to care. The words still felt like they made no sense. I wandered around and I kept seeing the star of david everywhere (which is strange because I have no jewish ancestry) and the hexagram was sentient and it would laugh at me. Then my vision would turn into repeating patterns of hexagrams and I would vomit on the ground and hear sounds that sounded like my organs were all failing (this along with strange repeating sci fi laser and generatory sounds, noises looped with intense reverb and echo). I then went to my brother again and he called my mom and she asked why I did this and I remember saying "it's bad help me help make it stop" and I don't remember after that.
Then I called my Buddhist friend again and I asked him for assurance that this wouldn't last forever and he said "no nothing lasts forever" (it was extremely ominous sounding). Then I kept asking him things and saying things that didn't make sense and I would realize they didn't make sense and try and catch myself but I was failing and couldn't really talk anymore at this point. Then he said something and I said "WHAT" and I recall him saying "I said you are in for an ass kicking". I then ran to my mother's room and fell on her bed and saw a plethora of strange fractals that felt extremely alienating to look at. I was pulled out of my body and soul and transported to some strange realm that was all white and I was formless while strange entities gathered around me and laughed at me causing me extra-dimensional pain (like imagine, your concept of pain is limited to what can happen to your physical body, now imagine what pain can be caused when there is no body or soul to limit it). I was then introduced to this giant golden hexagram made of deformed children that called itself "Yaweh" which I knew to be the judeo-christian god but it wasn't in the form they worship him as. This entity began to torture me relentlessly for what seemed like months while other entities that took the forms of the facebook logo, and the logo of various porn sites all encouraged yaweh and praised it for torturing me and the laughing just persisted.
I felt myself in my real body again for a brief moment as I had somehow escaped and I grabbed one of my dogs for dear life and entered a strange oblivion of fractals until I lost who I was completely again and I remember I lived out an entire life as primitive bacterium in the Archean eon (for some reason I just knew that's what it was specifically) and it was painful and confusing. Then the front door opened and I heard girly voices and I thought it was going to be my e-thot sister and her friends coming to be annoying but it wasn't, it was my cousin and her girlfriend neither of whom I was very close to.
So I got a bit of my ego to understand who I was somewhat now and I guess my mom called them because they smoke weed and she was at work and asked if they could help me. They asked me how much I took and I said 5 gel tabs and they seemed shocked. (for context, they are both the same age as me). They then took me to the park and we walked around and I remember looking in this area in the water (this is a waterfowl refuge park) and there was sand under it and in the sand formed a giant pattern with a figure in the middle of it. It looked like somebody had drawn a big aztec calendar in the mud under the water with some shiva/siddhartha looking figure in the middle. This pattern spoke to me as an entity and basically he told me that yaweh couldn't actually torture me for eternity like he had claimed because I escaped and wasn't there anymore and that yaweh was not an actual god but a construct of civilization unlike the gods of the past which were personifications of nature. Then my cousins distracted me and the entity was gone I don't remember much at the park other than that we saw some kids playing on a playground or something and an adult woman was playing with them and I commented on how it saddened me that she could do so and have fun but if I wanted to play on the playground as an adult man I would be called "suspicious" and they said that double standard was wrong and they were sorry.
Then we went back to my mom's house and played in the front yard with two of my cats and they kept trying to show me videos of something called poy I think and I just wasn't interested at all because the visuals I was getting were far more focus grabbing.
Then we went to walmart because my mom told them to take me to get meat or something and I remember my cousin's gf said something like that she couldn't eat meat while tripping because something living died to make it. I laughed and said in some extreme confidence that I thought that was bs because plants were well and alive and that I knew from my trips and talking to them that they could feel pain and even if that was delusion science shows plants can feel pain and fear. I think she just agreed with me because I was in an "unreasonable" state I'm sure. We went to walmart and I forgot why were and she reminded me and I got some bacon and said I would pay her back later and she said my mom already paid her. Then we went back to my mom's house and they left. I then just watched random youtube videos that were pointless trying to feel sober or something (this was about 16:00). I must have looked at the journal and remember I might as well use this fucked mental/spiritual state to repair the damage that I intended with this dose.
I walked back to the trail from the start of the trip, now along the trail are lots of leafy trees along this really trashy (polluted with sewage and trash) stream that's about 1-4 feet deep (varies). I walked up to the start of it where it lines up with the trail and submerged myself. I remember all the rocks and mud under the water looked like eyes and aztec like patterns. I took some gravel out and held it in my hand and was amazed at it. I kept hearing strange noises this whole time as well. It looked like I was in a jungle river of sorts and the water was very cold. I then got revelation that I was to go to this area at the other end of the stream where a fallen ruin of concrete was poking out (this spot was still secluded in trees) in the middle where I had meditated before sober. I then laid on my belly to submerge myself fully and walked on my hands like that and where it was deep enough just let the water float me.
I got to an area where I clung to the roots of a big tree along the bank and the sun was just perfectly coming in from the other side of the stream and it warmed me immensely. I felt euphoric and at "peace" like I was just a wild animal with no worries just living. I saw a snake swim across the water, when it saw me as I must have spooked it (I don't think this was a hallucination though, there are many snakes in this area). Eventually I remembered my quest and I continued to force myself through the rockiest parts and I couldn't walk upright it had to be on my back or underside to force through the pain and be embraced by the cold water. I would stop and vibe every so often and then continue. I made it where I meditated sitting as the water rushed under me as just about 1 inch of water ran over the top of my seat. I meditated on the synesthesia I was getting from the bubbly rushing water. I saw many entities that comforted me and had no name but similar appearance to Kali, Siddhartha, shiva, and quetzalcoatl they all reconfirmed what the positive deity in the water said earlier and said that yaweh only had powers that men gave him.
I then got off the seat and I entered the deepest water I could find and fully submerged. I opened my eyes under the water and I reached for my loins and began to pull this strange matter like energy out of my loins and kept pulling until there was none left (I've realized this description sounds like I was masturbating, but no it was as if I was pulling literal solar flare looking rays out) and then I came out of the water knowing that my porn addiction had been cured and went home. It did work long term I never felt the urge again. But this was all at a cost, that night it was almost impossible for me to sleep and I felt really "bad" or empty I don't know how to describe it for a very long time. It was really hard for me to sleep and I had intense flashbacks with audio hallucinations, visuals (open and closed eyed) without taking drugs. They were just powerful flashbacks and it happened for about 3 months afterwards (which didn't help that I had another 700 microgram trip 10 days later, which was scary and did cause ego death but was more just alienating and confusing rather than torturous like this one).
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