I'm Infinite, I'm Love, I'm God
Citation:   theAngryLittleBunny. "I'm Infinite, I'm Love, I'm God: An Experience with ETH-LAD (exp115094)". Erowid.org. Jan 26, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115094

T+ 0:00
250 ug oral ETH-LAD
  T+ 0:30 25 ug oral ETH-LAD
ETH-LAD is by far the most intense psychedelic I've ever tried, my three most profound experiences were all with ETH-LAD. Here I'll be writing about my most intense experience with 275ug, the highest dose I took, it was much more intense then even 750ug on normal LSD, no words can describe it. It happened sometime in the first half of 2020.

It was a normal evening, and I was just listening to music and spontaniously decided to take 250ug of ETH-LAD. Probably 20 to 30 minutes into the experience a friend messaged me on Discord. It was already difficult to type since I was already coming up strong. I told her what I took, and I tried to somehow explain that I cannot text at all right now. After a few minutes I managed to just text "Call?" to which she agreed. So I grabbed my headphones and barely managed to plug it into my phone. I already felt like a wild animal trying to figure out what this "phone" and the "headphones" I was holding in my hand even are.

I managed to start the call and could hear her talking, but I could barely speak. I wasn't nervous, the concept of "nervous" was foreign to me, I just couldn't formulate coherent sentences. I lost all concepts of, I forgot that she was a women, I forgot what a women or a "gender" even is, I forgot my personality, I forgot why I even took this drug, why I'm here, I was just an empty watcher that was just HERE. We stopped the call and I decided to just take another 25ug, for a total of 275ug. I just kept listening to music, I listened to "Girls Like Girls" by Hayley Kiyoko. It was SO overwhelming, I was so immersed in the music video. I saw crazy geometric rainbow patterns filling the whole screen, this moment just seemed eternal.

Suddenly I got the feeling that this girl in the music video was just me, I was looking at myself! Not just that, the 100+ million views were all just from me, I made every video in the sidebar next to it and watched all of them hundred millions of times. I suddenly realized that there is only me, I'm EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, I've always existed and will exist for eternity, everything is ONE! I wasn't even shocked, because if felt so obvious, I just thought something like "well, there we go" and went on the ride. I saw that the me, or the universe is just a play going on forever and ever, it has nowhere to go, there is no point, it just IS! Everything is perfect because it is just a part of this infinite play going on forever. All my problems, mental health issues, every other problem in the world isn't a problem, it is perfect! I felt like everyone and everything was nudging towards this moment. Every person I talked with or who even passed me by on the street was pushing me towards this, I finally got it!

I soon got up and lay down in my bed, I literally felt like the whole universe was watching me right now. In my mind I almost involuntarely repeated "one one one one ONE, EVERYTHING IS ONE, one one ononONNNN!!! I'M ONNNNNNNE!" and so on. My human avatar was at the steering wheel of the universe, it was finally mature enough to have a turn at it. However, I also always had it, because there is only me, everyone is me, I'm the only conscious being here. I felt like this body I call "me" is an essential part of this universe, but not in a narcissistic way, I just felt absolute self love. And since everything is me, I have to love everything and everyone. I just felt an intense love for all of existence, I love every person I ever passed by, I love the police, I love criminals, I love the coronavirus, because it is all absolutely perfect. Everyone else is just as important as me, I love everything the same. I was blown away by this, my mind could not stop, words like "I love you so much, so so SO SO MUUUCH OMG, I love EVERYTHING SO MUUUUCH!" were running through it constantly.

At this point, I don't even remember having any visuals, everything looked just hyper realistic and SO in the moment. I felt like the whole universe was aware of my thoughts. I had auditory hallucinations of people gasping in shock and running because of the realisations I, or the universe is having. I was absolutely convinced that my whole family and so many more people were aware of what was happening, because it was so big and profound.

At some point I took a chocolate orange candy that was lying on my desk for a while, unpacked in and just bit into it, I don't remember why I did that. I apparently then just put it somewhere in my bed and forgot about it, so I just smeared chocolate all over my bed. But I wasn't even really aware of what I was doing, or that this was even chocolate. At that point I probably couldn't even name a single object I saw. I didn't care that I was making a mess on my bed, I wasn't worried about someone seeing me like that, there just wasn't any ego anymore to defend itself or protect its image. I also did a few other things during this experience where I don't know why I did them, but at that moment is felt absolutely profound. I just cannot put in words how all of this felt, at some point it felt like reality was just a strange and kinda morbid cartoon, like Rick and Morty.

I then became conscious that I'm every person on Youtube I'm watching or have ever watched, I'm all of my friends, I'm every famous musician I listen to. I've been watching some people on youtube suffering from different mental illnesses, and I myself have autism. I just felt like nothing of this was bad, it was just a perfectly constructed play of the universe and all of these things have their place and need to exist. I then thought of crowds cheering on famous people and I was revealing to them that they are me, Hayley Kiyoko is me, Taylor Swift is me, they are all me, and they are also you, so you are just as valuable and deserving of love as them. I was just so conscious of how much western society lacks love, and how superficial it is. I had to spread the message of love, love everyone, love everything! I felt like I was revealing this message, and everyone was just shocked realizing how obvious it is.

I had my phone next to me on the desk, and I just saw a light flash from its direction, like as if the screen was turning on from a message or call. I took the phone smearing chocolate all over it because my hand had chocolate on it. I didn't even realize it, all I knew is that I had to spread the message of love with my phone. I probably just turned it on and off again and put it back on my desk, because I was already thinking about something else.

Like with many high dose psychedelic experiences, a common theme was that I always felt like I was super close to something huge, a final destination, but I never reached it
a common theme was that I always felt like I was super close to something huge, a final destination, but I never reached it
. I realized that this would just go on infinitely, because there is no final destination, there is no point or goal, it just goes on and on. About 10 to 12 hours after dosing it was still going intensely, but I felt kinda exhausted, I felt like my human avatar had the steering wheel of the universe for long enough and someone else can take over. So I took a benzodiazepine and quickly came back down and my ego came back.

It was already morning, and after I fully came back I was really confused. There was chocolate all over my bed and me, random objects were lying on and behind my bed. I was quite shocked, I wasn't even sure what happened or if I even took the ETH-LAD or was just dreaming. I looked at the PC, and sure enough, there was still the "Girls Like Girls" music video I watched at the start. I was shocked that this drug could do that to me, I wasn't sure if I just went completely insane. I took a shower, pulled off my bed sheets (which were obviously ruined), put on new ones and just slept it off.

For a while I just put this experience off as total delusion, but at around the same time I also got interested into the spiritual teachings of nonduality and oneness. It also took some time for the memories to come back, I would over time remember more and more pieces of this experience. I realized that this was my first experience of absolute ego death and oneness, so I just started to take it more seriously. Even thought I didn't think much of it at the time, I now value this experience and I'm glad I had it, nothing compares to it.

I still take the things I learned from this experience seriously and all of this still makes sense to me, because I also already came to many of these conclusions before taking psychedelics or any drugs. I just don't talk about it with anyone, because I know they would just think I'm insane. Most people just seem to forget how crazy and magical this reality we are in really is.

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 115094
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Jan 26, 2021Views: 1,300
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ETH-LAD (688) : Alone (16), Mystical Experiences (9), General (1)

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