DOSE:

repeated

Methamphetamine

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

Ever been to hell? I think I have a pretty good idea of what it's like....

I have been using meth for almost 3 months straight. I have only had a few days of abstinence in between. I think I have spent over 2 thousand dollars so far. I started out snorting it, until I discovered how to smoke it off of tin foil or a piece of an alumminum can. I prefer to smoke meth. Although it does depend on the quality of the shit, and how much it's been cut. Some shit is good smoked, and some is good snorted. Just depends. If I am short on time or resources, I snort it. I hate snorting it. It burns, and the drainage in your throat is disgusting. Lots of soda washes it away over time, though. I have been known to smoke a teener in a 24 hour period. An 8 ball in two days is not uncommon for me. I smoke every few hours.. just to maintain my instense high.

I was always one of those people that would point my finger at people like me and ridicule them. 'Stupid crack smokers. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Look what they do their lives. Nasty scumbags.' I had no sympathy for people like me. None whatsoever. Those people contribute to polluting the environment, and help to ruin peoples lives. Afterall, my husband used to be a Deputy Sheriff. I knew all the facts. I knew what it did, I knew the consequences... I knew it all.

And here I am. Just as pathetic as those that I looked down upon.... Just as addicted and fucked up... A junkie just like them. How did I allow this to happen? How did someone as politically conservative as I end up this way? How did someone with a very loving, supportive, straight laced husband end up addicted to meth? My husband is in the Army and has been called to serve our country since the attacks of 9/11. And this is what I do while he is gone.... all while he is busting his ass not only for our country, but for his family.

* WHY I LOVE IT:

Once I tried it I couldn't stop. If I know where to get it, I WILL get it again. I LOVE meth. I still do. There's nothing at all like it.. the high is amazing. It makes me feel like I can accomplish anything. I feel so happy when I do it.. I can focus... I feel like I am at my best when I get high. I clean my house perfectly... I am meticulous as it is, but the meth puts me into a 'zone' and I fixate on one thing and do it. I am not a creative person, never have been. But meth makes me feel creative. I also like that my body looks so much better than it has since having my second child. I was never overweight, but I needed to lose 15 pounds. I lost it, and I feel better about how I look now than I ever have. I don't usually eat much, if anything, when I smoke. I do drink lots of water, though.

* WHY I HATE IT:

The crash is what I fear the most. It is awful.. it is downright painful. EVERYTHING hurts. It's why I do all I can to avoid it by buying more meth. (I try justifying it by telling myself that it has been 3 days, and I have rested, and eaten. So I get the RUSH and excitement of just the mere thought of going to get more. I get excited, over joyed, and my heart pounds with anticipation of just seeing that powder in front of my face.) When I am crashing, my jaw hurts from clenching it.. My legs hurt, and my back aches. I am so tired that I can't keep my eyes open. I will sleep for two days straight. My body is so starved that I eat anything in the cupboards. I can barely function... There were so many mornings that I did not take my older son to school because I could not physically lift my body out of bed to drive, even though it's only 2 blocks away. I end up laying on the couch all day long, in and out of consciousness as my 3 1/2 year old plays around me. What is scary is that even though *I KNOW* how bad meth is for me, that I have spent away money needed for food and rent, that this could eventually kill me, and that I could get arrested and have my kids taken, I STILL do it. I push it all out of my mind and do it anyways. It's almost as if I cannot help myself. I am not interested in ANYTHING at all anymore. I don't call my friends, I don't go anywhere. I am too paranoid, thinking someone will notice, or I will get pulled over and be arrested. My body is in bad shape. I need to see the Doctor but am afraid to go. My left hand, arm, foot, and toes are always cold, and swollen. My left kidney often hurts.. My lungs hurt. Sometimes I have chest pains. How did I do this to myself? How could meth be more imporant than ANYTHING else in this world?

Meth is pure evil. It's evil in it's purest form. It completely destroys who I am.. and tries to erase the memory of who I really am so that I end up not caring about the other person who is struggling and screaming inside me, trying to take myself back. Meth depresses me.. the more depressed I get, the more hopeless I feel, and more meth I do because I just don't care about myself anymore. It's a vicious, evil cycle. One in which I am struggling to pull myself out of.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 11514
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 8, 2019	Views: 1,755
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Methamphetamine (37) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Hangover / Days After (46), Not Applicable (38)