DOSE:

150 mg

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

80 kg

CW: rape

I’m glad MDMA therapy is becoming more and more accepted. I suffered from sexual assault trauma for about 10 years. That experience led me to depression and to hate my body. Growing up I had no experience with body issues. My friends were always worried about their bodies, and I felt so lucky to feel so free from those dramas. I grew up in a lovely family, no real issues there. When I was 20, I experienced a horrific event at a club. I met this charming guy, we flirted and danced and had a great time together, until I couldn’t remember anything or how I woke up in his bed, him on top and penetrating me. I just froze, and I didn’t stop him. He saw my open eyes, and had the audacity to talk to me, and said all these things about how sexy I was. How I turned him on since he saw me. The way I was dressed, etc. When he finished I grabbed my stuff and left.

I never told anyone about it, except for the therapists I saw. I felt traumatised and ashamed, and dirty, and guilty, as if I did something wrong. I felt my body was the culprit, “if only he didn’t find me attractive this wouldn’t have happened”. I felt it was my fault, I should have stopped him. I started binge eating, as food was a way to feel something good in my body. But then I felt disgusted. I developed what I think was a binge eating disorder, and I felt stuck and totally out of control. Although I felt depressed, it didn’t stop me from going about with my life. I tried different therapies, but nothing helped. Until I found a therapist who suggested MDMA-assisted therapy.

When I had my MDMA session, I have been working with her for about 6 months, and I have developed a trustworthy relationship with her. She introduced me to the concept that we all have parts, and that all the parts, even though they might seem out of control and scary, they just want to do something good for us, that their intent is positive. I set an intention for the MDMA experience, to understand what the binging part of myself was trying to do for me.

The MDMA-therapy experience:

I took 150mg of MDMA. I laid down in a futon, surrounded by cushions. I closed my eyes and relaxed for about an hour, when I started feeling the effects. This wasn’t my first experience with ecstasy, in fact, between my 18-20s I used to love it, especially at dance parties. Nevertheless, this was different. Although I could recognise the familiar warmth in my body, I felt super nauseous. I sat up, and we did some breathing techniques. But the nausea turned into a really uncomfortable feeling, like I didn’t want to be in my body. I checked the time, and it was around the 90 minute mark when I started peaking. It came on really strong and I felt scared, my heart was beating fast and I started to sweat cold. My hands felt really cold and wet. The therapist calmed me down, gave me a thick blanket, and a heat pack for my hands. I felt my body so intensely, and I didn’t want to be “in it”. I felt like a monster in this body, I could feel my fat rolls and I felt I hated my body.

Since the assault episode, I have put on a considerable amount of weight and I could totally feel it now. I felt the urge to move my arms, as if to let go of the disgust I was feeling. The image of that man came to me. I felt the need to punch something, so the therapists gave me a cushion. And I punched the hell out of it, as tears were rolling down my face. I melted into a cry that seemed to go on forever. I felt so much shame and regret, so much of it. And as if it was magic, all that energy slowly began to shift. I began to feel something that felt like love and compassion. Like twirling feelings inside my chest. She asked me if the binging part was there. And she was, and I started talking to this part. The binging self told me she loved me, that she was protecting me by keeping me hidden, hidden inside the extra flesh. She said that she was helping me not to feel so much, not to think about what happened so much. I was so surprised to hear this, and for some reason it made total sense. The binge part has been helping me not to feel shame so much, not to feel guilt and desperation, and to focus my attention on my body image instead of the assault. This part thought it was safer this way.

As I had my eyes closed, I could imagine the binging part of me, it had no shape but was like a gel, light blue, and changing forms, floating around me, around my belly. She loved me and I felt so much gratitude. I felt so much gratitude for my body as well, that has changed so much these last 10 years. I have received so much negative feedback from friends and family, telling me that I should lose weight. But I had this part, that was refusing, and now I understood why. And I felt the only thing that mattered was to honour this part of me, and my body, which I felt was beautiful. I hugged myself, and I loved to feel its softness and how squishy my belly felt. And I started to think about the culture we live in, and how we shame women for their appearances, no matter how you are. If you are beautiful and sexy you are also a slut, if you are fat you are a slug, from slut to slug, from slut to slug I kept repeating myself, and laughing at the silliness of it all. I felt my love expanding to every single woman, the small, the big, the tall, the small, the disabled, the weak, the strong, the mothers and the scared little girls. How our bodies have become a commodity. I said NO, our bodies are not an object. My belly is beautiful and it protects me, my thick thighs are beautiful, my arms are strong. I felt so proud of myself, I felt I could do anything. The therapist reinforced all of these insights, and I felt so reassured.

As the intensity dropped I enjoyed the rest of the session, feeling so nice in my body, I didn’t want it to end. As I arrived home, I wrote this experience in a journal, which helps me to remember. The good thing is that I’m still in my therapy journey, so I will keep exploring different avenues to gain more insight. My binging stopped, and I feel a thousand times better. And my body is full and delicious! Even though MDMA promotes compassion, I still hate my perpetrator. And I am OK with that.

I urge governments to make this therapy legal. I hope this testimony can contribute in some way.

Exp Year: 2019	ExpID: 115307
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Mar 24, 2021	Views: 770
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MDMA (3) : Guides / Sitters (39), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Health Benefits (32), Small Group (2-9) (17)