DOSE: T+ 0:00	20 mg	insufflated	3-MeO-PCP	(powder / crystals)
T+ 7:00	15 - 20 mg	insufflated	3-MeO-PCP	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

As I write this, I am high on a dissociative that is claimed to be 3-MeO-PCP. I have probably gone through around 2 grams of this drug in my life. Taking into account the fact that memory and experience are sometimes not as reliable as I would like to believe, I am still having doubts about whether this substance is indeed 3-MeO-PCP. It is probable that I am now different, and am simply unable to distinguish the effects of this substance from the pain it brought me in the past.

First, I weighed out 20mg of powder. I trust my scale's accuracy at this weight. Divided that into four little hills, and then from one of those hills I took a small amount (about 1/3) as an allergy test.

Gave it some time. Over the course of about one and a half hours I insufflated the rest as I started to feel that, yes, this is indeed a dissociative. And it is indeed on the PCP side of the dissociative spectrum. Dissociation, but not in a hole somewhere.

I have recently decided to become a bit less reckless with my use. I am trying to take care of myself. I have a tolerance. I do not feel particularly manic. Previous experiences with 3-MeO-PCP had left me manic and difficult to be around as a person.

It is possible that my new attitude is affecting my perceptions of its effects. I am being careful but I don't feel that confidence that dissociative mania tends to bring with it. In fact, I feel very self conscious.

+5 hours into the experience. I am high enough to where I am typing with one eye closed. It doesn't have that manic stimulation that I remember. It's been a few years and I have changed. The chemical has stayed the same.

This is actually a humbling experience.

This report is not brought to you by mania and I am very sorry about that.

I ended up going through old journals and found some paint, some canvas, and some brushes I had bought for an art class but never used. Took a photo of a drawing a friend had made in one of my journals and sent it to him, wondering if he even remembered. It was just a little doodle but it was a vivid memory of a time and a place and a feeling and a certain time in life. It was crispy.

I started painting and I am not a painter. I felt determined to complete the task and with no formal training and a bunch of odd brushes and paints I vaguely remembered researching, I went with a lot of reds and blues and used big brushes, just having fun with the simple experience of brush strokes, enjoying the contrast of the two simple colors or red and blue. When I finished I didn't care whether it was good or not. Whether it was a masterpiece. Whether it was an embarrassing mess like something a child would do. I was just glad that I completed something, which is something I have always struggled with. Fragmentation is the norm for me. Bits and pieces, here and there. Doodles, sketches, ideas, potential. These are things I had done as processes and is a theme in my life. Getting dirty and actually doing it is where I get stuck, and this experience freed me from the fear that it would not be perfect. A gentle reminder that if you want to paint, you should paint. If you want to sing, you should sing. Everything seemed so simple.

This is a very peculiar reaction to a dissociative for me. It could possibly be set and setting. When I had previously used this substance, I was kind of going hard in the paint because... well, who knows. I had a period of time where I was just taking huge doses of dissociatives to escape from negative emotions, painful somatic sensations, and an unhealthy relationship. I was conflicted about even taking it because since last year I have been really trying to take care of myself and trying to cut the bullshit that I know needs to leave my life.

I redosed another 20mg 7 hours into the experience. I don't necessarily need to be anywhere for the next couple of days.

This felt more like a traditional psychedelic without the anxiety. A humble dissociative. I attribute many of the effects to my intentions and where I am at in this particular moment of existence.

I reached high levels of mental dissociation without reaching the point that I used to refer to as "doorway legs", referring to getting out of my chill area where I would have to hang on to doorways within hallways to get to a bathroom when the need arose. Aside from the double vision, I didn't notice any real change in the ability to walk. Some difficulty with speech when a friend called me, but mostly just a feeling of frustration being unable to combine concepts and speak with my friend. I mostly just listened to what he had to say rather than yakking and opining back and forth with him. The conversation would be called awkward or off by any account but I was able to stay in touch with my emotions as he talked about his life if I chose to which, again, is not typically how I react to dissociatives.

I would say this was overall a very positive experience and improved relationship with this chemical. It has actually changed my view of what dissociatives are which is surprising and humbling to me. I thought I had them figured out. They do not have to be more-ish and they do not have to be self destructive as I had previously, maybe subconsciously believed. A very warm experience. I would say I am manic in the sense that I am very alert and I don't think I will be able to sleep for a while, but I am almost back to baseline.

Throughout this whole experience in the back of my mind the song Landslide by Fleetwood Mac was playing in my head. In the song it says "I took my love, I took it down", and I always imagined the writer of that song going through old memories, reminiscing - taking a tour through the hallways of her mind, and taking down a painting representing her love and connection to someone she once cared for.

Rearranging things sadly but triumphantly, knowing that she is changing. She is getting older. I am getting older. Looking back on relationships, finding journals that a friend left for me to read, to show me how he felt about me and our relationship when we were younger. Remembering past experiences and embracing the pain that comes along with changing.

I've been afraid of changing because I've built my life around you. I have changed and this chemical has not.

It came at a time when I have to rebuild my life, and I'm not sure if I can do it. Just like the song. Playing on repeat. Playing on repeat. Playing on repeat until a choice is made to move on and embrace that things will never be the same. I will never be the same. And I'm scared, but i know it must be done.

Those little hills that I snorted are like the landslide. I know I have to take it. I know it's going to hurt. But I also have hope that at the bottom, when I've fully embraced what has happened to me I will be able to truly love again, and truly have the courage to connect with people on an intimate level again. I am broken.

May the landslide bring me down.

[Reported Dose: "Allergy test. 20mg, insufflated. 7 hours later, 15mg insufflated."]

Exp Year: 2021	ExpID: 115348
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Apr 13, 2021	Views: 2,186
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3-MeO-PCP (558) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), General (1), Unknown Context (20)