Citation: ben329. "Not a Magic Pill: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp115374)". Erowid.org. Apr 27, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115374
For the last 36 years I have lived without love, emotions and feelings. Nothing and nobody was interesting to me and I was never eager to see the next day. My life was like a video game, surviving, not actively living it. No happiness or sadness, no nice memories, just a steady pain in my breast 24/7.
Even my parents or my own daughter donít mean anything to meÖ A life without love just doesn't make sense to me and it is more and more difficult just to get up in the morning. At the end lying in bed and sitting in the sun having a coffee has the same valueÖ None. I know it is very difficult to understand for the normal human being, but just accept that I have been like a robot that only fulfilled tasks to stay alive. If there would have been a quiet and clean way to end this life, I would have many years ago.
I had tried hypnosis, Vipassana, Trauma therapy, shrinks, medication, electro shock therapy and much more. But nothing showed any results Ė the only thing I got was a diagnosis about being bipolar, same as my mother. Knowing how emotional she was I was very sure that I am definitely not bipolar, but I was carrying the stigma around after all. My only experience with drugs of any kind was with Mushrooms, but it was a very low dose and other than slightly elevated mood I didnít feel or see any difference. After some more research I found more and more information about Ayahuasca (or did Ayahuasca find me?) and its healing qualities. I felt that this must be my next experiment and I wanted to take the chance to start feeling. I didnít really care if the experience is good or bad, it would still be much better than the emptiness I have been feeling all my life. I never asked for my life to be sunny and happy only, I want the full experience with tears and sorrow.
In February 2020 I had signed up for an Ayahuasca (+San Pedro, Kambo etc.) retreat in South East Asia (South America is just too far from China). Due to travel restrictions and having borders closed everywhere I couldnít go and I am actually still waiting.
So I had to find another solution. I know you should only do Ayahuasca under the supervision of an experienced Shaman, but I really had nothing to lose and decided to do it at home alone. My apartment is too small to have a sitter and the temperatures are still too cold to do it outside.
I found a trustworthy (reading the many positive reviews) website that is only dealing with Jungle products and no other substances in Peru and offers worldwide shipping. As the prices are fair I ordered three shipments of 100g Ayahuasca paste (B.Caapi+Chacruna@65USD+10USD tracked shipping) in the hope that at least one would pass customs without problems. This can be dissolved in water or ingested directly. After one of the shipments had arrived, I prepared myself for an experience Tuesday two weeks ago. 100g is sufficient for 3-4 experiences. On arrival I decided to use a 300ml bottle of drinking water to dissolve the full piece and keep the resulting liquid in the fridge. According to the website every 25-35g need about 100ml of warm water.
From Saturday on I stopped my medication (I was taking the antipsychotic Latuda), coffee, meat etc.
From Saturday on I stopped my medication (I was taking the antipsychotic Latuda), coffee, meat etc.
, following the special Ayahuasca dieta as good as possible. It is also important to not have sex or masturbate.
When the time came, the idea was to ingest 1/3 of the liquid for a stronger experience. The setting was my small inner city apartment which is definitely not the perfect environment. But again, there was nothing to lose. I wouldnít recommend this approach to anybodyÖ From what I read, Ayahuasca needs the nature and to have somebody around to take care of any need coming up during the experience is useful as well. Following is what happened during the experience (I didnít take any notes during any of the experiences, so all this is from my memory about it).
I ingested the liquid at 8:30pm and prepared myself for an eventful night. My intentions were to find love and start feeling. Lights were off but to make sure I could still see a bit if I needed the restroom or purge in the bucket I had prepared next to my bed, I left the curtains open to allow the city lights to shine through. The few trees In front of my window were my only connection to nature that night. Initially I was planning to have a Cafť del Mar playlist on but finally decided against it as I didnít want anything to impact the experience. This was about me and the medicine.
I was sitting on my bed and waiting for the first effects. Half an hour later nothing had happened. Also nothing after 1 hour. I then fell asleep and woke up some hours later. No nausea or anything, the only difference to a regular night was that I felt stuck in my brain completely and was moving around on my bed all the time to find a relaxing position Ė which I couldnít. In the morning I got up after a disappointing and eventless night. Did I do anything wrong? As I still had left 2/3rds of the brew, I decided to repeat on upcoming Friday night and again on Sunday daytime. From what I have been reading, some other people didnít have any reaction on their first time as well. I didnít want to blame it on the quality of the received paste Ė yet. On the Friday same week my second shipment had arrived as well.
On Friday I was definitely tripping. I ingested the liquid and watched a movie to bridge the time until the onset. By the end of the movie my surroundings were moving and I saw many colorful dots when I closed my eyes. I decided to have another sip, sit down and close my eyes. Again, I fell asleep without any of the expected spiritual or psychological effects. Nothing special on Sunday either.
I decided to prepare another brew with the new paste I had received and take it together with my friend at her place. By that I wanted to make sure I donít fall asleep this time. As it was probably my last time experiencing Ayahuasca I decided to ingest half of the paste for a stronger experience. And a stronger experience is what I got...
Both of us ingested the Ayahuasca at 8:45pm. I read in several experience reviews that oily food is further enhancing the experience, so we decided to order a burger each, which we had about 45 minutes after drinking. We watched different video clips about Ayahuasca on youtube and finally ended with a clip containing shamanic visuals paired with drumming.
Around 1.5 hours into the experience I lost my sense of time and started having strong OEVs and CEVs. The sounds from the TV were very loud and my perception of the room changed. I knew where I was, but everything around me seemed new. I had that feeling every time I opened my eyes. My friend was hit by several bouts of heavy diarrhea and I was fighting with nausea until I finally threw up at around midnight. It didnít take very long and it wasnít a lot, mainly the burger I had before. I finished up with my own experience of diarrhea. My friend had only taken about 1/4th of the liquid (lower recommended dose) and decided to go to bed around that time. She allowed me to stay for the night as I was definitely not capable of leaving at that point of time. She put a blanket over me and left to the bedroom.
I was comfortably sitting on her sofa with closed eyes Ė it was too difficult to keep them open. The monotone drumming did the rest and brought me to another planet. As it was getting late, the urge of lying in my own bed was getting stronger, but I knew I wasnít at home and getting up seemed impossible. At around 1:30 I had a few conscious seconds and decided to try. I got up, stumbled around a little bit and tried to find the light switch, which I couldnít. Luckily the light coming from the TV was enough to get some orientation and I made my way to the door. Putting on my shoes and jacket took a while but I finally was out of the apartment. I walked down the stairs and tried to find the way to the outside. As I didnít ďseeĒ the tiny exit switch I was stuck in the building for a while, walking through a creepy basement and standing in front of many closed doors. I knew it was late and I didnít want to wake up anybody so I stayed as quiet as possible. Back on the ground floor I checked all 3 doors and found the one I came in through, leading me to the exit switch. I made my way back to my apartment, took off my clothes and went to bed. I wasnít really sleeping the rest of the night and I could feel the Aya still in my system in the morning. I finally decided to take the day off and stay in bed.
The last experience was definitely the strongest. Sadly it was again not the spiritual and psychological experiences I had hoped for.
Sadly it was again not the spiritual and psychological experiences I had hoped for.
I thought the plant medicine would teach me how to see life differently and I could finally start to feel and love. During all the experiences the pain I feel all day every day was present and nothing exceptional happened to me. The drug is definitely very strong and it had its impact on my body and mind. Just my heart wasnít touched at all. My friend had a great time, got rid of her depression and woke up with a very positive afterglow.
I know the medicine I received was legit and it is up to me that it hasnít been working in a spiritual way. My heart has been closed for that many years, maybe the receptors responsible for feelings and love donít even exist in my brain. But as I saw in my friend, it can be very beneficial for that regular depression that affects so many of us. For me, I can only go on to live with the torture of every new day.
Ayahuasca - not a magic pill!
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