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Project: Forgiveness
Mind Machine Device
by sour cream
Citation:   sour cream. "Project: Forgiveness: An Experience with Mind Machine Device (exp115445)". Erowid.org. Sep 14, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115445

 
BODY WEIGHT: 193 lb


PandoraStar Light Entrainment - Third Eye (track)

Background: First time I experienced PandoraStar Light Entrainment was amazing!! I felt light and full of love, compassion and unity consciousness. However, it has been well over 2 years. When I did it 3-4 times in conjunction with sensory deprivation at my float center it was surefire way to reset my brain and be born again. But I 'forgot' the experiences and as I watched more and more videos of the company on Youtube, I craved that experience.

I had extra 40 bucks to spend and the time seemed to be right. I made a loose intention for forgiveness this time. I wanted to forgive all those who hurt me or used me as a doormat in the past and especially ease and heal the relationship with my mother who - as much as I hate labels- suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I made a loose intention of having to be 'shown' what she was like as a child before she full-fledged got enveloped with such mental illness and disease of the heart. (I also was 'shown' several times where I was regressed to the age of my father and mother who were toddlers and felt nothing but love during sensory deprivation. My father also had NPD but he had a sudden 360 turnaround and became a complete empath -invfact well too much for his own detriment. My mother however... has a long time to go.) Anyway my chief focus was to heal the relationship. That was my 'sankalpa'.

Actual experience: It has been about 23+ hours since I had the experience last night. I needed to borrow my mom's car. And the drive to the nearest float center is about 30 minutes plus 30 minutes of experience plus 30 minutes return trip. I know I am 38 and all but my momma keeps me on a tight leash. LOL! But to be fair, it's her car I am borrowing so I should lay off the entitlement.

So it was rushed. Back of my mind I knew she would pissed when I returned which prevented me to fully experience the experience.

The facilitator gave me an album of tracks to choose from. I wanted to choose the Happy track but at the last minute changed to Third Eye. I asked him: "It's strong huh?" I could intuit it would be potent. So we decided on it.

As I laid comfortably and put on headphones, I closed my eyes and light started flashing. The soundtrack was not a music but resembled a frequency that is similar to a white noise. Now the experience...

AS SOON AS THE LIGHTS STARTED FLASHING IT COMPLETE OVERWHELMED ME.

I had this before, but the light was intense. I know you are not supposed to look at it directly but the intensity of the lumens was so great I kind of had a nagging and nudging feeling 'If this is right?' If it could damage my eyes. But I trusted the facilitator and the experience.

What I can describe it is a COMPLETE overwhelming haul of instant ego dissolutionment and samadhi. I never did 5-MeO, but something felt like if 5-MeO was like this without the crazy and hardcore trip, it must be it. FELT-- mind you. Obviously they are different roads to mountaintop, but I was at the peak.

Mind you, I went there to forgive everyone who hurt me from my mother, my dad and to others such as friends and family members who used me as a doormat. BUT..but ALL I could FEEL was forgiveness FROM my mother.

Now it was not borne out of self-pity or fear. But out of EMPOWERMENT. I felt surrounded with INTENSE bright light... as if meeting God/Love/Light/Being himself. I had not a shred, ounce or grain of ego. And I kept muttering...

"Please forgive me mom."
"Please forgive me mom."
"Please forgive me mom."

Again and again and again.... This was most bizarre, because """""""I"""""" am the one who came to forgive "HER". It was "SHE" who did the damage and injustice and hurt ME. But as soon as this thought occured intuively I grasped the joke. That was my ego talking. Now since I was devoid of Ego, it was """""I"""" who sought "HER" for forgiveness. Because, simply because I had nothing to gain but everything to give. I was complete.

At any rate, I felt nothing but love for my mother and wanted to send a orb of light to surround her. I wanted to comfort her with blanket of light and love. NO MATTER HOW I TRIED TO FORGIVE "HER" I FELT MY EGO/BEING WOULDN'T HAVE IT.

So I surrendered. After I felt nothing but intense love for her with white lights flashing intensely as ever, I thought of random persons and gave them hugs of light and send them nothing but loving-compassion. People whom I didn't know. One was an author who was bullied for her looks - whose name I shall not name here.

The session seemed to be in two parts. Light died down and music kept playing. And then it started. I was getting bored, because I got what I asked for. ToTaL. UnConditionAl Forgiveness for/from my mother. I felt my mother was DEVI - her true being in Light, despite the Evil Monster she pretended to be on herelife due to her heart being clouded and diseased.

The experience ended soon. I wanted to hug the facilitator. I gave him a tip and drove off.

Post-experience: I felt born again. The feeling of light on my third eye area was intense. I had headache earlier this morning but I felt rejuvenated, free and a bit light. As I was trying to get on ramp on freeway, I changed lanes and waited for the car behind me to pass. But he wouldn't. He wanted me to go ahead. This is subtle, but I felt since I was born again I was one with the universe and the energy and it was peaceful and I felt he energy of the universe which was loving.

I also saw some recurrent motif of flashing - whether it be street lamps or a store surrounded with police cars but subtle brief lapses of light flashing. Hard to describe.

As soon as I got home, my mother asked me "What took you so long?" "Where were you?" in the most guilt tripping voice ever. MY experience collapsed there in and there. I no longer felt born again, free and light.

I did not reply. After I took shower, I felt heaviness on my heart and resentment. I pictured all the different variations of path I can choose. But instead I chose the path of anger.

After shower, I sat quietly in front of her. I was stunned! How can a mother be so cruel? I could not comprehend. I know set and setting matters and I should have chosen to focus on positives. But I was fearless, my slate was clean and I felt like an adult in a newborn baby suit who wanted to avenge the injustice. So I thundered in my South East Asian language: "You will serve me nothing but care and respect!!!" I exploded and went to my room. I also told her how she caused great injustice to my past from emotional abuse.

As soon as I went to my bed I laid down and wondered: Why is it about half an hour ago I felt nothing but unconditional love and asking HER for forgiveness, but I was fearless as ever and felt to inculcate the wrath of thunderous God on her for her misbehavior? I felt that was apt and deserving since she was unnecessarily cruel to me. It was...JUST. I justified in the manner: What if I was a REAL newborn baby and she unnecessarily was mean and cruel to me?

And the fact is.. she was. All my life.

The truth of the matter is I was back to my human self with ego coming back and this why I did not feel the Christ consciousness. And that is okay. Remember not only we attract those hateful monsters in our life because of THEIR ego, but also ours. We are not saint either. I know it's the empath in me talking and being overtly kind to her, but my true self will ALWAYS choose kindness and give the people who hurt was nothing but unconditional love and ask THEM for forgiveness because.. as Christ said: Forgive them Father for they do not know what they do.

And honestly, just like I didn't ask for the abuse, neither did they.

Epilogue: Today was normal. Except for a brief moment. I knew my third eye was awakened and I would attract good or the bad and the ugly. I will be intuitive. Although I saw some Angel numbers, I was immune to them by now and didn't want to go around looking for them.

But as I was watching a video on Youtube lying on bed, I felt in my mind: God I don't wanna watch it.

Just as I thought this, the video stopped. Youtube player message popped: Want to keep playing or pause?

I realized that's how ancient yogis did 'miracles'. While we tend to think miracles like heavens tearing asunder and stairways of light appearing, the fact is they are more subtle and occur naturally. Universe just gave a minor glimpse.

Now, howzaat for decalcifying pineal gland and third eye awakening folks? A souvenir for me to cherish, even though I experienced way more bizarre synchroncities in the past.

Exp Year: 2021ExpID: 115445
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 38 
Published: Sep 14, 2021Views: 184
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Mind Machine Devices (301) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Alone (16)

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