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The Paradoxical Meaning of Life
DMT
by Eleucid
Citation:   Eleucid. "The Paradoxical Meaning of Life: An Experience with DMT (exp115472)". Erowid.org. Sep 10, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115472

 
DOSE:
2 hits vaporized DMT (liquid)

BODY WEIGHT: 174 lb


Date/Time: 05/02/2020 @ 5:38 P.M
Substance: DMT extracted from Mimosa hostilis via Q21Q21ís Lime extraction tek using naphtha
Amount: 2 hits on an e-vape device loaded with 500mg DMT in 0.5ml vape solution (nicotine free)
Onset: 15-20 seconds
Duration: 2-3 minutes
After effects: ~15 minutes

My friend had previously smoked DMT using an e-vape device where we vaporized 40mg of DMT directly off of a wire mesh. The smoke/vapor was very harsh for him and having some issues with asthma I decided that I would prefer to try vaping DMT in a nicotine-free vape juice solution. I dissolved 500mg of DMT into 0.5ml of vape juice over low heat by holding a tablespoon over a glass stove top with low heat. Once dissolved, I loaded the vape device with the solution using a glass eye dropper.

As I sat down on the air mattress that we had set up for tripping, I was anxious. Though Iíd experimented with a variety of psychedelics in the past, some of them had been difficult experiences and this was my first time trying DMT.

I braced myself for the experience and took a full inhalation of the DMT vapor. It was not harsh at all, but I had the immediate visceral reaction to get it out of my lungs in a way that I had never experienced before. With Salvia extracts, the smoke is harsh and uncomfortable, but I donít feel an overwhelming instinct to purge it from my lungs. I choked trying to keep the vapor in while simultaneously trying to expel it. I managed to hold it in for about 10 seconds before taking my second hit. I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop myself from hacking the vapor out, which I eventually did anyway.

About 10 seconds after the second hit, I felt myself drifting away and by the time I laid down on the bed, I was gone.

I felt my body and mind dissolving which produced moderate anxiety. I determined to surrender to whatever was about to happen and this willed acceptance was the last thing that I was able to hold onto before being lost into the DMT world.

As my body dissolved, my visual field became more active and I saw swirling waves of color. The first color that I saw was white and it swept over and across me like a river. The white represented my anxiety about the trip. As the anxiety increased, I got the paranoid feeling that I had done this all before and had finally broken through into the ďrealĒ world and that my normal reality was the trip.
I got the paranoid feeling that I had done this all before and had finally broken through into the ďrealĒ world and that my normal reality was the trip.
This was reminiscent of a previous experience with 4-aco DMT (synthetic shrooms) which resulted in a brief psychotic episode and later depression and PTSD. I briefly worried that I would never return to normal. My psyche had been blasted apart into a million pieces and I was convinced that if it reassembled itself in a paranoid psychotic state that I would be stuck that way forever.

Fortunately, the anxiety didnít last and I came to the realization that there were actually more colors present than the white band and that anxiety was only a small part of the entire experience. When I realized this, my vision expanded and I realized that there was a wall of light and color in front of me. It was mostly white, but interlaced with pinks and blues. Weaving in and out of the wall were female, feline entities that I recognized as being a part of myself. We interacted though I am not sure how. I began to feel as if my entire life were being laid out in front of me. It was all of my past, present, and future. I became confused as to whether I had lived an entire life before. I am single, but I began to think that I had gotten married and raised a family.

The scene transitioned and I moved into a space where I saw waves of stacked geometric patterns, mostly cubes, squares, and lines, of the most vibrant hues imaginable laid out against a black background. I recognized in the trip that colors of such intensity could never exist in the real world. The colors and the shapes themselves were ordinary. This place didnít feel very personal or meaningful.

The scene transitioned again and I was in a bright place which was much more personal and interlaced with childhood memories, pure bliss, and a sense of having the answers to the meaning of life. I was in a paradisiacal green field with family and I had the feeling that this was the place that all humans came from. We all used to live together in that place, but for some reason decided to come to this earth to accomplish something important. I didnít know what that task was, but it was beautiful to see that there was a specific purpose in our being here.

I was only in that heaven-like place for a moment before I left and was staring at unbelievably bright yellow-golden cubes and squares overlaying one another. This place was more beautiful and meaningful than the other spaces with geometric patterns. It was connected to the heaven-like state.

I felt the trip ending and opened my eyes to find that I was a human being and that there was an external world that was just becoming intelligible. I was excited to be back in the world as a human and told my sitter that I was human again. I closed my eyes again and let the trip continue for a few more minutes as I was enjoying the peaceful state and visual imagery.

My sitter could tell that I was having a profoundly positive experience and when I looked up I saw him beaming at me with such a pure expression of joy at my happiness. Itís a rare thing to be able to take such joy in someone elseís joy and I recognized how genuine he was being. I asked him if I could give him a hug, and he said he would love that. We embraced and I think he teared up a bit at how beautiful the experience was. I laid back down and we spent the next 20 minutes discussing the experience.

My main takeaways from the trip were that I had glimpsed for a moment the truth behind reality. There was indeed some transcendent purpose to our lives here. At the same time, I paradoxically realized that the deepest truth and meaning was seeing the smile on a friendís face. I suppose both are true. There is a deeper meaning behind the reality that we normally inhabit, but it is expressed in each moment and is best experienced in the here and now in the context of our everyday mundane and beautiful lives.

The trip was also incredibly scary and anxiety producing at times and itís been several weeks since I had the experience and Iím still hesitant to do it again though I feel that I have integrated most of what I learned.

As I came out of the trip, I noted some sadness that I couldnít live in that heavenly state at all times. It seemed so obvious that that is what we were meant for. But at the same time, I was excited to get on with my life and to continue my human experience.

Another thing I should note was the extreme time dilation. When I came out of the trip, I guessed that about 30 minutes had passed and was almost overwhelmed when my sitter told me that it had only been 2 minutes. This is short as far as DMT trips are concerned and I suspect this is because I vaped it and didnít get that much DMT into my lungs.

Exp Year: 2021ExpID: 115472
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 26 
Published: Sep 10, 2021Views: 334
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DMT (18) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Guides / Sitters (39), Entities / Beings (37), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)

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