Citation: Flieronymus. "Therapy Session: An Unexpected Vision: An Experience with Ketamine (racemic) (exp115473)". Erowid.org. Jun 4, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115473
Ketamine Therapy Session: An Unexpected Vision
I went into this with the vague idea that I would have a strong meditation again, like my first time at a smaller dose, only more powerful. I had written down goals with some meditation techniques in mind, and I thought I had made them loose enough that I could ignore my intention and at some point try to attempt one or two of them. This is going to sound cliche, but that is not at all what happened, and yet somehow the experience came around to address my main goal in a way that I had not imagined.
My goals were, as written in no particular order:
• Do a full-body check in
• Watch to notice signs of distraction in the form of:
o Pushing thoughts away
o Attachment or desire for anything
• Expand my awareness spatially, to fill the space around me
• Attempt to confront my background anxiety/guilt/dread, using the following technique:
o Wait to notice the feeling appearing within me
o Hold on to it and magnify the feeling. Intentionally amplify it, and bring it to the surface
o Having fully felt the anxiety, and hopefully understood more what fears I'm repressing, I could begin to release it.
• Look for other body work to be done, such as tension and meditation on my sinuses (I used to be able to open my airways through meditation)
What actually happened:
1. I did some stretching as part of my entry process, and started to come up before I spat the stuff out. I had to really reach out to be able to see the clock and to get myself onto the couch and under the blindfold.
2. I had a full-blown psychedelic experience, with visions on par with something I might expect from DMT. There was no chance of meditation. I can't describe what I felt in words, except to say:
o I first descended into some type of underworld /nagual realm. There were other entities in there.
o I began to drift at the bottom of the ocean with plants and snails and starfish, and was buried by waves of black sand. It was very comforting.
o I became fixated on the biological makeup of some unknown crinoid/starfish-like organism, and suddenly became one. For some time I was clung to a cold hard rock in the darkest depths of an alien sea, but could see and feel my life chemistry burning very strong. The chemical energy gave my structure a bright glowing pattern, and seemed to be connected to something greater.
o Things got very colorful and intense. I dissolved into roiling biochemical liquid ten times over, and was shown by some kind of entity who could control the expression of life throughout the cosmos. This thing had chemical fire at its fingertips, and showed me how many ways it (or they) could manifest consciousness as biology. I dissolved into boiling liquid fire all over again. It was very welcoming and familiar.
o I noticed I was in a polygonal-shaped puddle of liquid, looking up at a sky with something moving above me. I was a sheen of biofilm on the reflective surface of the puddle, underfoot of what I perceived to be the actual gods. I was still an expression of volatile chemistry at this point, but I became interested in what was going on above me, and lifted my awareness to notice my place in a path beside a giant structure, looking like a greenhouse. I tried to imagine what was inside, and immediately knew the answer and was part of it.
o Inside the structure was a massive operation in the form of a spatially-expansive stream of consciousness. The stream was like a physical, colorful "stuff", all flowing one direction, with tendrils like entrances and exits. It was a very real and self-existent thing that I saw before me, which seemed to have a great purpose like one I had never imagined. For a moment I was in the stream. I saw that it made up truly everything, and immediately fell out of the main flow and was tossed about in a spinning eddy current. The trip descended from there.
o Bodily awareness began to return, and after some time I tried to remember why I was there and to start my meditation, but it was not happening. I tried to focus on my body but the visions were still there and fading slowly. I changed my music to singing bowls.
3. After some time and stretching beyond the hour, I came upstairs with my earbuds still in, and joined my family for a nap. I relaxed and held my son as he slept.
4. I thought for a second about my goals, and was suddenly struck with a flashback to an event that happened 11 years ago. I had the very clear and immediate feeling of being resented by my stressed-out ex wife, who back then was resentful of me for working my way into my first engineering job, and only getting $16 an hour for it, and not working two jobs while she worked three and I went fishing. Here's why this is significant:
o I believe that negative patterns are often spawned by negative feelings that were pushed away and left unfelt. They somehow attach to us and become repeating habits, behaviors, or bodily stress.
o This particular feeling was pushed away and left unfelt because of a similar thing that happened with my stepmother when I was 12. She resented me for surviving after her son died, and treated me, a child, with spite, mockery, and resentment for 5 long years, wherein I developed some serious issues. I was not welcome in my own home, and could not be there alone with her without catching flak.
o My wife saw my face, and came to comfort me. Needless to say, I bawled my eyes out. I tried not to miss any of the feelings I had repressed. I don't know if they were released, but I did feel them. My original intention was to harness and feel my general background anxiety and guilt. But instead, my subconscious conspired to pinpoint the exact source of that stress, and bring it to the surface like it had just happened all over again.
So basically what happened was that I had two totally independent experiences, and neither of them were what I expected.
I had two totally independent experiences, and neither of them were what I expected.
Since the experience, I've been fascinated by the stream of consciousness that I saw. It seems dreamlike now, but it was very real at the time and I can still see parts of it in my mind's eye. Right away, I came to intuit that what I was witnessing was nothing short of the full mobilization of energy on galactic and universal scales, all for some grand purpose. Where a molecular dance of fire, all throughout the hundreds of billions of galaxies, comprised a structure and flow of biological information, existing on multiple levels of reality, and having directionality as intended by some vast consciousness. And that our own stage of consciousness, in comparison to the main flow, is but an inconsequential film in the mossy path beside the greenhouse where apparently gods and universes are created, I can only guess. Of course, you never can tell where these sorts of things are coming from. But if it came solely out of my head, then I guess I flipped my own noodle.
[Reported Dose: "600mg Sublingual for 13 minutes"]
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