Citation: bella1988. "To Work on My Binge Eating Tendencies: An Experience with MDMA (exp115588)". Erowid.org. Jul 28, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115588
Psychotherapy with MDMA
This is nothing like a club-drug experience. It actually changed the way I see MDMA. Having enjoyed it for years as a recreational drug, I never really thought this could be a medicine for the mind. Recent articles on the healing properties of MDMA prompted me to try it. Not easy as it's well....illegal. A friend of a friend is a therapist and agreed to provide MDMA assisted psychotherapy.
I will share a summary of the experiences, which were 4 drug sessions in total and 10 therapy sessions in between (2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2).
Preparation: extremely important, it helped me to have clarity, purpose, an intention. My intention was to work on my binge eating tendencies.
Drug session: room was welcoming, homely, comfy, warm, safe. Have a light breakfast before the drug. Have a talk before ingesting, to get your fears out, any questions, any doubt. Ingest the drug. Then I relaxed, music, eye shades, blankets, the whole package. Drug started to feel coming, I felt a bit of anxiety. Therapist hand was close, feeling that support was amazing. Going back to my intention, to heal my eating behaviour, to love my body just as it is, to stop abusing it. The whole drug experience was a ride. Some moments were so intense, so much pain, so much fear, so much anger. In between there were moments of clarity, and wonder. What is food? Why do I need to eat so much of it? What is behind this behaviour? Why do I fear so much to put on weight? Why I am so harsh on myself? Why I see other beautiful queens in big juicy bodies but I can't accept mine? What is my gender? Who am I? How did I feel as a child? Why I felt different all my life?
Always, at some point, I will feel a surge of self-compassion and love. The love so big, love for my inner child and for my queer self. Love for my body, love for the nourishing food I still NEED TO EAT. Love for this therapist and love for the drug, love for the planet and compassion for the pain humanity shares.
The coming down was always smooth and welcoming.
Some nourishing food at the end, a good bath when I got home.
Journaling between sessions.
Integration sessions with therapist. They were crucial, I was able to go back to the experience and think about the lessons. I was able to create new achievable goals, one was for example, give myself permission to eat anything without guilt. It was the most liberating thing ever, in fact, the anxiety that always surrounded the eating was gone.
Can MDMA help us accepting ourselves? In my case it did, and I am sure it has helped many others.
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