Citation: Rasheed. "The Helpless Clown Circus: An Experience with DMT (exp115605)". Erowid.org. Sep 2, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115605
About roughly 3 months ago from the present day, my LSD dealer asked me if I wanted to try DMT. I had no idea about what the substance was and what to expect. I had been accustomed to eating LSD tabs about one to two tabs a week for a period of 4 months till this point, and I loved eating it. So, I ask what does DMT does to you, and my dealer explains everything, having smoked DMT for a long time now himself as well. He tells me that I need an electric cigarette in order to heat the bark root powder on the metal and slowly inhale the smoke from the electric cig.
I'm like cool, I'ma buy like 0,2 grams for beginners.
And I ended up smoking reeeaaally small amounts, just like my dealer told to do at very first. And as you can guess, offering some inhales to friends, the substance ran out from me within a few days. But boi did I have fun. The small hits made me see everything so electric, things were wavy, and the trees outside looked like runescape pixel trees, and every color was BEAUTIFUL. Besides that, it made even my body feel very pleasant and limber and relaxed. The only thing I didn't like about it was that it made me inhale and exhale in very odd rhythms. But nevertheless, the drug was fun.
"haha everything looks funny and cool haha"
Now 3 months jump to the present time, I'm buying more of DMT from my dealer. This time half a gram. I am planning that maybe this time, I will go for that "Shangri la" hit as every DMT user I've talked with excitedly about during this 3 month wait. Hell, Joe Rogan couldn't stop talking about this shit on his youtube videos, so I had to give it a chance and smoke the amount that was meant to be smoked. And... Well, it didn't really end for me the way I expected... Not by a longshot.
I tell my brother I'm going to need him to babysit me when I take the hit. He on an Xbox playing some stupid poker game, and I'm here getting into the mood by playing Al Green's "Let's stay together" to have something nice in the background to get me into the chill state.
I had no idea how much I exactly need for this "Breakthrough hit". Like I was so lazy that I didn't even check from the internet how much you exactly need. So randomly, I just decided "I'm going to put about 4 times more than I normally put on the metal", which ended up still looking like quite a little, but I knew this was going to be something different.
So, I start up the electric cig... And here we go.
I inhale the whole thing slow and steady, I could feel like "HOLY SHIT I HAVE SO MUCH OF IT ON MY LUNGS."
Once I released exhale, nothing came out. That is how long I held it in.
And the moment I wondered "huh... Nothing is happe-"
And Boom. When that shit hit me... it... like, anything in my life or what I had seen compared to what I was thrown into. I fell on the couch softly on my back. And the visuals started. They didn't knock kindly at my door, they just fucking started.
It was like someone had taken 20 tabs of acid launched it in my system all at once. And I knew the moment it started that I had made a mistake... Because it was too much. Instead of getting the "calming and beautiful experience where your spirit animal meets you and you go somewhere pleasant, a place after death, where you meet gods and places and-" all this other positive-sounding bullshit.
Nah. What you are about to hear is a nightmare.
And it is still hard to explain the experience truly what I went through, as the things that I witness were beautiful in their own wickedness, despite the horror, but I am going to try my best to explain everything step by step.
The moment I fall on the couch, I close my eyes. Everything explodes into yellow. Like, bright, carnival yellow. And then comes in the other colors. I am thrown into a matrix of tons of colors and it felt like some sort of a circus clown's fever dream. Cubes, spirals, Tetris blocks, of all colors BUT mostly yellow and green for some reason. Now, as the Al Green plays in the background and the visuals get faster and more aggressive by the second, the music just confuses me, its mixture with the clown matrix doesn't fit at all. I feel like I'm also being watched by some evil clowns in their own home, but I don't see them.
I feel like I'm also being watched by some evil clowns in their own home, but I don't see them.
Now as freakier and out of control as this shit goes, I'm like "I'm DONE HAVING MY EYES CLOSED, THIS IS TOO MUCH. I NEED TO OPEN THEM AND SNAP BACK TO MY APARTMENT PLS." And the moment I do it...
It was a fucking mistake.
Worst mistake ever.
When I open my eyes, the whole clown matrix of colors adapts into my apartment in split second. Everything is fucking green, yellow, blue Tetris blocks everywhere. I cannot see or recognize my brother, as he is legit sitting on the carpet playing Xbox, he is just one big black Tetris block (since he was wearing a black ice hockey shirt) now, my hesitant paranoia of thoughts might have driven this trip worse, as I panicked. But I'm only getting to that shortly.
What I mean by clown matrix is... Not only counting the apartment made of Tetris blocks, it was made out of soft glitter sand too. It looks like rainbows were puked all over around me. It was just insanity. And now comes in the freakiness. When I look down upon my body, I realize something. I cant feel my body. Not a single piece of it. Anywhere. And my body has molded into my couch, becoming part of the rainbow circus. My feet, chest, hands, legs, everything was made out of that soft sand of different colors. And the moment I started grabbing my body to make sure I was alive and this was just a trip... Oh god. I could visually see as I grabbed a piece of my chest and stomach, and got fistfuls of nothing but colored sands, and as I looked at it with wide eyes in terror, the sand slowly all poured down from my fist, and the missing pieces of my body regenerated back again, like self-heal. And yet. I felt nothing. Still. I am literally grabbing pieces off from my body in the form of rainbow sand and I cant feel it. And that... Made me totally freak out.
I legit felt myself jumping up from the couch in panic, standing up. At this point, my brother had already turned off the Al Green song at some point, so there was nothing but just silence, and me in the insanity land.
It might have been stupid of me to think this extreme, but keep in mind, I have never witnessed anything NEAR this visual and intense in my whole life, so my first thought was, "Bruh. Do you know what you might have just did? You took so big a hit of DMT that you killed yourself irl on the couch and now you are here as a harrowing ghost in some fucking clown sandcastle hell. (lol) and then another thought screams "nonon what if you just took so much it gave you brain damage, and you are doomed to walk the rest of your life in this insane state until you end up in a white padded room?" And then for some reason, the third voice in my head "dude do you know how easy it would be for someone to beat you up? You couldn't even defend yourself in this state lmao, isn't DMT great boi?!" and then I felt myself rambling something in a panic. Probably something like "I took too much I took too much I took too much" and I could hear it in my younger, 20-year-old self's voice, shaky and scared.
Now as I am slowly giving into panic and losing my sanity into this matrix of colors around me, as pillows are floating and exploding into dust, something pulls me out of this hell.
My brother, who has been nothing but a black Tetris block on the carpet, now turns around and looks at me straight into the soul, looking like a concerned Minecraft character (lmao), and asks "brother... Are you okay? You look like your face is about to explode, shit looks intense. What's up?"
It's hard for me to make out if my brother is real, but I know that it was his voice and that it sounded pretty convincingly him. So for the first time I shift attention to my brother, for some reason my retarded brain thought he wanted my phone. It had somehow ended up in my hand. When I try to flip it in the air at him, the phone forms a black/white spiral when it was falling, that looked trippy and captivating as shit XD (as if everything else wasn't already, despite me being scared shitless). It was like my phone had created a small portal behind itself. But the moment the phone hit the floor, it disappeared into the ocean of green (yes my floor was made of green water) and "Plump!" the phone disappeared into the water, my brother looking at me like "wtf why did you drop your phone" and before I could answer back, if I was even capable of that, the phone TELEPORTED back into my hand and for the first time, I legit chuckled during the trip in the middle of the scare and panic, because after the phone teleported into my hand, I BECAME THE PHONE.
Bruh, I legit transformed for like two seconds into a black square Samsung of mine, and I chuckled confused "What the fuck" as I even adapted and tried to take some weird position to imitate my phone. And as I am trying to press buttons on my chest, I realize I've made a mistake again. Because I STILL can't feel my body. So I take a fistful of black sand out of my chest, and now I'm having an anxiety attack as I remember why I freaked out during the trip in the wrong place.
I fall into despair again. I start to stumble and hit the wall with my shoulder at least I thought I did. I needed to get off the couch. I needed to get off this fucking room, these yellow, green, blue soft sand furniture, and Tetris blocks, and spiral-creating phones.
As I am hyperventilating in small panic against the wall, my brother walks to me, and he looks trippy and funny as shit, despite me being scared since he has such a calming presence and he just puts a hand on my shoulder and says "dude chill, what are you seeing?"
As if I was capable of explaining what I was seeing. I didn't even know if this was reality. I was still paranoid if I was gonna remain this way forever. Or if my brother right here was real. But he sounded real. And as he is in front of me, teleporting around suddenly like a shadow, I am slowly feeling myself calming down a bit due to him talking. I talk back scaredly.
"Are you real? Brother I will never ever take DMT again, this is too much. Too much everything. Moving. Everything moves too fast, crumbles, explodes, help me. Please help me. Are you real?"
My brother is now legit concerned "Dude how about you just breathe and chill. We are at your home. Maybe you just took too much as you said."
"Yeah... Yeah, I took too much." I repeat helplessly... But I'm starting to feel better, despite the circus still heavy around me. Because now I am ASSURED that my brother is real, and not a hallucination.
I am taking a walk towards my bathroom, as the lighting around the rooms was much darker, and relaxing to me since I like darkness. There aren't as many colors rampaging around here, even if I saw my tossed clothes trying to stand up as they lay on the carpet.
My brother follows me and keeps talking to keep me sane. When I get to the bathroom door, I lean against the frame, breathing slooow and deep and trying to calm down. I just remember repeating to my bother many times "I will never smoke DMT again" by the door. And slowly... But surely... The trip fades a bit. I tell my brother that I'm going to shower to relax. He says okay.
I remember sitting on the floor, blue flashes (I'm in a pitch-black shower) and like fireworks still exploding in the dark... But I'm not panicking any longer. U know why? Because I can FEEL the water. My body, I can feel it again. I can no longer grab pieces of colored sand out of it. The DMT is wearing off.
I come from the shower, and I had apparently been there only one minute or something. When I arrive at the living room, even as bright as colors still are...
I thank the fucking god. Everything is back to normal. I am no longer in the fucking clown matrix that was stirring my sanity. I feel so relieved that its unreal. I'm back at my home.
My brother is back on the xbox, playing his card game, and I stumble in the room with a towel around me, looking around with relief, panting a bit, and saying "jesus christ... Its over."
Brother says: "Yeah... You were having a small panic attack right there. You were mumbling a lot of shit and forgetting words. That was freaky."
"That is one word for it. Fuck... I am shook. That was... Not fun at ALL. I have to ask... How long did that trip last?" (When I was going through the trip, I felt like it had lasted AT LEAST 25 minutes. That is how slow time existed in that circus clown fever dream.)
And my brother said "... I dunno. Like... 5 to 7 minutes max?"
"WHAT?!?!?" I was mindblown.
That goes to show... DMT is no fucking joke.
I do like the fact that even as terrifying and intense as that was, I felt completely normal after. Shook? Yes. But I felt just as sane as I had been before the hit. It made for a scary experience but didn't damage anything in me.
Having experienced that... I feel... betrayed is too strong a word but I feel very let down. I will definitely embrace and try such an amount again, as the intrigue is still there, as even as scary as it was, it was still cool in its own right...
But I just had expected something more... Soulful and calm. And my trip was anything but those two.
I really need to do my research better and look for the right amounts before the next attempt, but hell...You really need the strong mentality to use this substance because I swear if instead of 5 minutes I would have spent let's say one hour in that circus world?
I would have probably developed slight schizophrenia n shit lmao
Wild substance. Hope the next time is happier and feels more pleasant.
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