Citation: Vojta. "Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): An Experience with LSD (exp115681)". Erowid.org. Sep 5, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115681
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on LSD
At the time of writing/experiencing this I was 29. Since age 24 I have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It was devastating, but it changed me, it explained many things in my life I was struggling with. I wanted to know more about this "curse", and as purely rational man, the only way for me was science, psychology. I started to read books about narcissism (Jacoby, Salant, Asper, Rohr, Kernberg, Kohut), about psychology in general, I studied Freud, Jung etc. and I had found a new amazing world I wanted to be a part of.
Since 19 I've been experimenting with LSD, once to two times a year, and I always felt, that there was something more in those states of mind, not just fun and carelessness with friends. So I started to experiment on my own, only with curiosity where it would it take me. And after my NPD diagnosis I felt, that it could get me deeper to my problems and wounds, and I started to believe, that it could actually somehow help me. But unfortunately, I did not find any official information on LSD (or other psychedelics) and NPD, only a brief note in (Milan Hausner - LSD), that LSD therapy was not effective for NPD. On the other hand, Grof writes, that he believes, that all psychological illnesses/disorders are caused by traumatic events during human development, and all can be dealt with later in life and all can be finally resolved. Well, that is not much certainty to begin with, but there is hope. I hope, that this trip-report could be at least an information source for other NPD truth seekers.
I decided that I would take a dose a few days before the actual trip, so it was quite spontaneous. The intention was only to try erotic tantra massage on small dose of 25ug.
I took 25 ug at 14:00 and went for the massage, hit came at 15:00 and it was pleasant warm feeling in gut, I felt quite ok and I was enjoying the massage, however a little anxiety poured in. Plan was to use only this dose and just chill after the massage, but on my way home I decided to take more. However a quite strong headache settled in on my way home, which was quite no-go for another dose, but I wanted it anyway. I unpack the stuff and holding the blotter in hand I had a really bad feeling about that, I felt that I definitely should not take more. I was tired, had a strong headache, was anxious, but I did it. I put 100ug blotter under my tongue and regretted it immediately. I told my self I should not have done that, but I was not able to spit it out. The same force that was telling me NO was also telling me YES. I yield, thinking, let's see what happens.
I also took a painkiller for my headache and laid in bed. I was just relaxing until the hit at 16:50. This was quite standard hit, everything was more colorful, walls were "breathing", I was clumsy and whimsical. I sat down and looked down to the floor. Wow, all hallucinations and visions, that I know so well from my other trips, were there. I saw human bodies and faces, all moving and changing. Why these visions again I was asking myself. Then two faces appeared, those were angry, terrifying,threatening. I was frightened and had to look away, as I did that, I noticed that all edges (edges of furniture etc.) got extremely highlighted, all edges were like zigzag lightnings. I froze in awe, those were my psychological defenses as Grof described them in his books. But what are they trying to protect me from? I looked back to those angry faces and got frightened again. Like a small child I ran to my bed and cover myself under blanket, but kept watching the visions on ceilings. Those faces were everywhere. I was scared, I felt that an emotion needed to get out of me, but I could not handle fear and anxiety. What now? The grief. I was able to bear intense grief, so I thought if emotion needed out, let it be grief and I started thinking of anything, that would made me cry. And this simple thought started an avalanche of thoughts:
I realized that for a past few months, my life bore no meaning to me, I felt empty, hollow. No activity fulfilled me and a thought came to me, that if I died, it would not really matter that much. And this thought made me sad, why was I thinking like that? And what would make sense, what would bring meaning to my life? Then a vision came to me, it was a vision I had a month ago, a vision of me being with a unknown woman in a nice house with a garden. In that vision we were happy together and were caring about each other. Light warm feeling flooded my gut, this was nice vision. And I thought that this could give my life a meaning - just to love someone and care for her. And I realized, that I wanted the same for me, just someone who would love me. And I started to cry. It was the strongest emotion of grief and pain I have ever experienced. Why does it hurt so much? Such a simple idea? I was crying and repeating to myself, that I just wanted someone to love me. For a while I did not feel as human, nor child as before, I felt as a tiny bacteria, a little microscopic organism in the middle of vast evil and terrifying world, and the only thing I wanted was someone to love me.
And there were those faces again, all angry and terrifying, those were faces of my family members, parents, grandparents. I was always asking myself why do I see those faces, and why they are so evil, what did I do so wrong, that they are so bad to me, what horrifying thing had I done to deserve this? And I realized, that I had done nothing, I was just being myself (as a child) and just for that, they were so angry at me.[*1] This hurt the most. My parents, grandparents, they could not have loved me for who I really was. I collapsed in tears, I was not able to regulate it anyhow, the emotion was too strong, it was everywhere. It flooded myself totally and I just had to cry.
After a while, I calmed down and continue with this thought train. I repeated : I just want someone to love me, who could do it? Is there anyone here who could? And then it hit me, it is me, in my mind I shouted I, I, I and burst in tears again. There is no-one else in this world, that could love me unconditionally, but me. I realized, that this was the healthy self-love, healthy narcissism, to love myself unconditionally as I was, to accept my positive and also negative side, truly and honestly, accept myself as I am. Third wave of crying and sorrow started to mix with laughter, it was liberating, I was laughing at my situation, I was laughing at myself, it was such a relief. I laughed and cried and laughed and cried, until I was unbelievably relieved and totally exhausted. In a second I was sober, it was like this emotional discharge just canceled the LSD state, there was no reality distortion, no hallucinations, no visions, just calm exhausted mood, and feeling, that this was the most meaningful experience of my life.
There was also an afterglow. For at least a month after this experience, I was different. Before, I was avoiding people. After, I enjoyed contact with other people, colleagues, friends, just the contact with them was bringing me this light warm feeling. I could have just listened to them and it was making me happy. Before the experience I used to pull conversations back to me, not listening, but immediately talking about myself. I knew, that this was one of my narcissistic symptoms, and I was training not to do so. But what really surprised me was the fact, that I did not have to focus on that after the experience, I was purely and honestly interested in others, I could have just listened and it was joyful. I thought, that for the first time in my life, I was able to "see" other people, for who they really are, with acceptance and joy. Also, I realized in the following weeks, that I need to be more compassionate to myself, with knowledge, that I am so deeply wounded, I am the one who should take care of myself, to be more understanding and compassionate and not to continue with the damage, that was done by my family.
This was the most meaningful experience of my life and I do believe, that such trips are healing. However, this afterglow did not last, once again it was pulling me back. And it was also pulling me back to psychedelics. I wanted to continue on this journey and I wanted to know more about my past. I tried psilocybin. And I took too much, and I did not handle it, I think I was lucky enough not to become psychotic, but for six months after this schroom trip I was super anxious, had nightmares, insomnia, was avoidant, was unfocused, total opposite of the LSD afterglow. I just want to use this as an example, that psychedelics can also be risky, and that one has to be really careful with them. For me the problem was anxiety and fear, I was not able to submit to them,to let go, as I did to the grief on LSD. I was not in a "safe" place and I was alone. I believe that for this kind of confrontation I need a sitter. But even after this schroom "bad trip", and this one was really bad (I called it psychosis simulation), I still believe in psychedelics. I believe psychedelics can heal.
[*1] I was deeply regressed, imagine a small child, two years old, imagine, that this child was playing with toys and started to throw the toys into the toilet: now, the child thinks, this is me, I am happy, it is joy for me to throw my toys into the toilet, I am happy as I am, but its parent sees this and gets really angry, yells at the child, reasons with the child, tells the child, that it is bad. Child translates this to: I am bad, when I am myself, I will not be loved if I am myself, I will rather be as you want me to be, just for you to love me. False self is created.
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