Citation: AEG. "Pneuma: An Experience with LSD & Hash (exp115939)". Erowid.org. Jan 14, 2022. erowid.org/exp/115939
Setting: My apartment
Set: Calm, no plans during the day in question and days after
Sitter: My cat
Other medications: No
Prior experiences: Weed, hashish, proscaline, shrooms, ketamine, coke, speed, MDMA, ecstasy and nitrous.
Two months prior to this experience I managed to score some good acid again from a reliable source after having been dry for roughly a year. During that hiatus I was very into Timothy Leary, Ram Dass and the likes from the 60's hippie era - particularly, the turn on / tune in / drop out philosophy. The Good Friday experiment really inspired me, so I proceeded to dose every week or two for these two months, each time increasing the dosage.
The experiment(s) went great, it felt rewarding and it felt like I was able to map out my inner world from these experiences. I always did the same thing - solo, in my bed with closed eyes. My spiritual ego that I seemed to have formed was in bliss.
I was fairly confident on having experienced ego death during these experiences, but ... I was very naively wrong. In fact, I'd say that my trips prior to the one I’m about to write about was just boosting my ego. I was proud to be able to solo trip so much and so frequently while never having any bad trips.
I was proud to be able to solo trip so much and so frequently while never having any bad trips.
It felt rewarding, like I knew how to navigate these psychedelic landscapes without much effort.
Then comes one late night in February back in 2020, where I decided to once again up the dosage - this time, to ~450ug, that more or less made me stop taking acid.
1 hour prior to intake:
7:20 PM. While waiting for my cat to become sleepy, I start organizing the setting in my bedroom. I double check my music playlist for the evening, basically looking for possible alterations if any were to be of interest but it's looking good. I like to try to arrange my music playlist in an order with the intent of translating the experience's flow into a series of songs. The first 30 - 60 minutes are focused on open ambient tracks, to work as a meditative catalyst to still the mind. Then comes songs that have more rhythmic anchors to swing on, psybient stuff like Bluetech, Ott or Shpongle.
The setting is this:
I'm in my bed, to my right is my cat. In front of me besides my legs is my laptop with soothing videos running on fullscreen. The speaker is at the end of the bed, I also have in-ear headphones ready on my bed table. I barely have any lightning, just some purple-ish color vaguely filling the space in the room.
I have two Buddha's by my window located to my left side, surrounded by a couple of fake candles. I have them positioned in a way that makes it look like they're watching over me, it feels cozy.
8:20 PM. I go to my kitchen and place four and a half of tabs underneath my tongue. I've never had that many tabs at once before, so saliva started to produce in my mouth and the tabs where kinda hard to keep track of. Nonetheless, I had the tabs in for roughly 40 minutes until I swallowed them with some water. Not much else to add here - just waiting ahead.
9:00 PM. (This is the last time I remembered the time this evening)
I laid in bed up until this point, just having my eyes closed and getting in a relaxed state. My last trip, which was 3 hits (~300ug), came on very fast so I expected it to come on even faster this time around due to the higher dose. I was feeling very vibrant, the waves of feelings felt bumpy and jittery. My heart rate started to increase. The intensity of feelings pouring in started getting a bit more turbulent. The music was ”breathing” in its volume, so I thought this meant I was at the end of the come-up and the beginning of the peak.
Maybe 10 minutes or so passes, and my spiritual boosted ego rationalized with no second thought that 450ug and 300ug felt rather similar, and that wasn't my plan this time! I wanted to go even deeper, otherwise what was the point of the increased dosage? So, I decided to smoke some hashish through my old wooden tobacco pipe to give the acid a little boost. (I always do this while tripping, but never with the results that followed).
I stand up and realize I already have a hard time walking due to the sheer amount of feelings and vibrant energy twirling around inside my body, it's like I'm walking in a windy field with rain and snow while forcing myself to walk through it. I make my way to the kitchen, over to the stove and proceed to grab my pre-prepared pipe getting ready for the hit. I take a single large hit from the pipe and hold it in, and I feel its effects immediately merge with the acid. Like pouring gas on a fire, everything exploded.
I take a single large hit from the pipe and hold it in, and I feel its effects immediately merge with the acid. Like pouring gas on a fire, everything exploded.
The hit is so big and harsh that I start coughing and I never ever cough when taking a hit of weed or hashish on acid, it's like the acid removes that sense in the throat making you cough. By this time the effects of the acid starts reaching its true peak. That in combination of the hashish, the effects extrapolates into such intense tripping that I can barely hold myself together. They both intertwine in such a chaotic way, both going towards their respective peak.
I got really scared at this point because I had never had such an intense come-up prior to this, it felt very unfamiliar and there was nothing familiar to remind me of the reality that once was. I felt like buzzing electricity, every sensation turned up to 11.
I could barely walk, but was able to stumble over back to my bedroom and laid down, eyes closed, in front of my speaker.
The music is playing from my playlist, my cat is sleeping in the bed - all is good from the perspective of setting.
My set however, is getting pulled apart from every point of view imaginable. The part within me that steers the anchor was the very nature getting split in half and morphed inside out. The very notion or idea of who I was, was bending the space in which it found itself in.
The music was no longer an external input my neurological process translated to audible melody. It was just vibrations flowing into me, not being able to recognize it. There was nothing to grab on to.
In the midst of chaos, I realize I have to change my setting to influence my set, even though it on paper was flawless.
I decided to have the music through my in-ear headphones instead of the speaker but to no avail, still no calm wave of sensation which I had hoped for, though I wasn't going to give up just yet. I still have my eyes closed during all of this, but no visuals.
I begin to fade away, until this particular Bluetech song reaches a certain point when a lady voice speaks and I cannot for the love of my life figure out its intent. It feels almost malevolent. It felt like it was Kali the goddess trying to communicate, letting me know I was going to die. I felt pure fright and fear at this point.
Here I got the feeling I was about to experience a very frightful and confusing trip, so change was needed in the setting again. Luckily, I realized the voice I was hearing was from the music I was listening to, so I decided to do a complete 180 in term of genre of music.
Doing things is almost impossible at this point, basic things like just reaching out my arm to grab an item, but I managed to change the music.
I put on the song Pneuma by Tool, and in an instant - everything changed. From electronic psybient in 120+bpm bouncing around in my headspace, silence and a smooth guitar enters. A calm wave of love like I've never felt before washed over my whole body.
It felt like an intense storm had passed through me, and the sky was now clear with everything feeling perfectly calm. It continued in this direction, calmer and calmer in pure bliss…
After a few minutes, the space between my ears which my everyday self sits in, inside my head that is, starts to pull away from the perspective one sees things in everyday life. It's like I'm zooming further away, inwards, with a black void surrounding it.
Even the music playing on rather high volume got further and further away from the perceiver of things. In retrospect, maybe this was my mind detaching from the external world. If you look up Alex Grey's painting called "dying", that's a good representation of how it felt.
I zoom out until the void / blackness reaches a point where I'm no longer hearing the music nor seeing the darkness behind my eyelids. Something else, other yet so familiar, smoothly ascends like a sunrise coming up behind a hill.
A light ever so clear emerges from the total nothingness of the void and during this very moment, I knew. It felt like I could decide to die here, or to hold on - and I choose to have faith in the countless of stories I've read, to give up the control - total surrender.
The pure light emerges and I leave my ego and body behind the veil of blackness and enter the pure light. Like diving into a loving ocean with no shores. Pure love, pure knowing, pure existence.
Brighter than the brightest object imaginable, flowing infinity. Total unity with everything and everyone. Shimmering, flowing, the fluorescent source of existence itself. It was the accumulated energy of the Big Bang, still expanding since its infinite conception.
I had died and woken up.
It felt like eternity, but I very gently re-entered my mappable headspace, starting to recognize the music twirling around and the outside of my skin. I felt like I was evoking every external input, the outside and the inside became one.
The outline of my body behind closed eyelids felt like Buddha. It felt like I had this smirk of wisdom, I didn't need to pretend anymore. All concepts of what I thought was real was just that, concepts. I saw through the linguistic attachment I had grown to believe was real. There was no longer me between the external and the internal, they were one and thrived off each other.
After this death - rebirth experience, the lingering effects of the acid wasn't a frontal experience anymore, I wasn’t tripping but I was still on 450ug of good acid. The following five hours felt almost sober like in comparison to being dead. I didn’t think a single thought, I just sat in awe of the humbling vision of truth. It felt like I gained another perspective of what it is to be alive. How could I know what being alive was if I hadn't been dead before? It all made sense. The world felt brand new. I didn't dare to smoke anymore hashish, so I meditated and sat in trance to some 60's hippie music until I became tired and fell asleep around 6-7am.
I woke up at around 12am feeling like a new person, but I hadn’t come down completely just yet. The sun was out, colors were still vibrant and my perspective was still from a place within. I brewed some coffee and ate some strawberries while listening to the music that lead me into ego death. I decided to smoke some hashish, and it instantly brought me back to a very high state. The memory of the vision had such an intense and profound feeling that it opened up what felt like a space in my solar-plexus area and in poured waves of love which I simply could not handle. It was too overwhelming, I started to cry like I had never done before. I was repeating "I didn't know" and "I love you", while tears came pouring down my cheeks. It was the most beautiful cry I've ever experienced, it lasted almost half an hour until it eventually settled down.
The idea of me came down later that day, but I don't think you ever come down from an experience like that. Love!!
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.