To My Disgust
Citation:   Etazhi. "To My Disgust: An Experience with Etizolam (exp116051)". Oct 1, 2023.

  repeated IV Deschloroetizolam (liquid)
What can I say, etizolam is a great drug and I was a fiend. There isnít much to say here except that the following is an experience of what happened leading up to, during and after a benzo induced coma.

All I remember leading up to this was that I was trying to get out of a deep dissociative binge in which I had become somewhat psychologically dependent. The days without dissociative are apathetic, full of hedonism and self loathing. But the experiences werenít fulfilling any more and the schemes needed to keep my habit going was going to need to increase ten fold.

I had been living week to week when I hadnít had ketamine, able to scramble enough money for a gram or half gram, when I couldnít Iíd scrape together pocket change for a 10 or 20 bag. It was truly the life of an addict and I was trying to get out. But it wasnít that easy. However I think (like always) a kick in the face straight from lifeís boot was what I needed to quit doing this stuff. I was going on 4 years of wild drug use and nearly 6 of constant daily smoking.

I had a bag of ketamine on the way in the mail but the tracking said not for a few more days, 3 if I remember correctly. All I had left really, at least all I had left I wanted to do was etaqualone and etizolam solution. Etaqualone is disgusting tasting overall and not very impressive. Short lived and puts one to sleep for a while. Great sleep aid. So etizolam it was.

I hadnít even any weed that day and I think these four days are the longest I went without ketamine at the time. I took my 5mg/ml, 60ml vial and drew a syringe full of 1ml. I then bent over in doggy style and boofed it. I felt it nearly immediately and slumped into the ground. About 30 minutes later I did another ML, impulsively trying to get a feeling of being high like I used to on benzos, forgetting that because I dealt with much of my anxieties that benzos simply didnít work the same as before. I repeated this until I blacked out.

I would repeat this for days, on the third one my mom asked if I was ok and that she hadnít seen me in 3 days. She was checking on me because it was usual for me to stay in my room for a day or even a day and a half before she would see me use the bathroom or eat or something of the sort. I was depressed at the time so she was trying to give me some distance. That or she was tired of my apathy, or maybe both.

I told her I was ok, I donít remember what I said but it was enough to make her leave me alone. I repeated my routine for one more day, constantly blacking out and waking up 7 hours later and being awake for no more than 5 minutes before repeating it. I honestly donít know what happened. I originally somewhat intended to use it to sleep that day's friending thoughts for ketamine away. But now I was far down the binging rabbit hole using 60 doses in 4 days, multiple doses at once each time.
I honestly donít know what happened. I originally somewhat intended to use it to sleep that day's friending thoughts for ketamine away. But now I was far down the binging rabbit hole using 60 doses in 4 days, multiple doses at once each time.
My god I was a fucking animal. A true fiend. I couldnít recognize my self.

I awoke on the fourth day, and was only stopped from putting myself back under because the bottle was empty. I had run myself dry. I felt awful. I missed a day of work and missed a hangout I arranged with some friends. My head was full of fog and each thought only happened as the light houses constantly moving light swung around to illuminate it for a brief moment. Stuttering, slow and intently inhibited; my mind was the worst state it had felt in ever. I was usually quite mentally active and this stupefied state absolutely felt debilitating.

However, what was worse yet was what I found out later. A girl I was seeing at the time texted me that I was acting strange and to never call her again or something of the sort. Confused I checked my message history. To my disgust it was a completely different person; etizolam me, who wrote disgusting texts asking and demanding sexual photos and telling her nasty things she didnít want to hear at that moment. I attempted to tell her I blacked out drinking and she wouldnít hear it. To this day I miss her, I was beginning to develop feelings when I was an apathetic and awful partner. I messed things up pretty bad.

Exp Year: 2022ExpID: 116051
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Oct 1, 2023Views: 15
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Etizolam (568) : Alone (16), Multi-Day Experience (13), Post Trip Problems (8), Families (41), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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