Citation: divineflight. "Utterly Baffling and Dysphoric Headspace: An Experience with MDMA, Alcohol & Nicotine (exp116097)". Erowid.org. Feb 3, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116097
MDMA but Sad
The dawn of a new year seemed like the perfect time to re-experience the magic of MDMA after a year of abstinence. After a cruisey night of drinks at a swanky bar, I decided to head out to the local club district with a close friend. We managed to score a single cap of MDMA and split it. I was fairly sober whilst my friend was still quite drunk and has a higher MDMA tolerance than myself. COVID19 has severely impacted the supply of most psychoactive substances in my country, causing a higher than normal proportion of adulterated drugs. This factor alone makes me think I almost certainly unintentionally consumed an unknown drug under the guise of MDMA.
We dissolved the grey/black crystals in a small glass of water in the club bathroom. After around 45 minutes I noticed a slight increase in energy. Gradually the more typical effects of MDMA started to kick in, the floatiness, feelings of anticipation and a gnawing feeling in my stomach.
Around an hour after dropping, I was feeling a subtle downward shift in my mood. Very similar to the depressive thoughts that enter my mind after a big night of drinking. Eventually these thoughts became more and more difficult to ignore. Rather than the powerful bonding and entheogenic properties, typical of MDMA, I became very acutely aware of how ugly, exploitative and vapid the people around me could be. The world seemed so much more empty and lonely than ever before. I had no sense of contentment, I couldnt fathom what I wanted to do or say, everything seemed shrouded in a fog of disappointment. At this point I had convinced myself that I had an underlying depressive disorder in an attempt to explain the utterly baffling and dysphoric headspace. I felt most comfortable sinking into my seat, staring into space and trying to avoid talking to strangers. My friend seemed entirely unaffected, not really feeling any positive or negative emotions from the drug. I believe alcohol may have significantly lessened the effect for them.
Vaping was the only thing that offered much relief and only for a split second after exhaling did I feel any sense of euphoria. The only visual changes I noticed was how hypnotic and electric blue the light from a phone seemed in the dark club. I could also sense an increase in my heart rate and a persistent sense of nausea which remained throughout the night.
Around two and half hours after taking the cap, we decided to go home. It was definitely preferable to staying in the club but I felt so guilty about making my friend look after me, who was clearly having a great time.
The car ride home was simultaneously the best and most interesting part of the experience. I had the very linear and "single channel" thought process I normally experience on MDMA. This headspace tends to allow me to think more clearly without any distraction.
I had the very linear and "single channel" thought process I normally experience on MDMA. This headspace tends to allow me to think more clearly without any distraction.
I used this effect to examine the sadness and depression I was feeling, attempting to carve away at emotional depths difficult to reach whilst sober. Although ultimately a fruitless endeavour into introspection, it was nice to have that intimate experience with myself.
We both end up falling asleep at around four hours after dropping. I had not felt the effects wear off but I was starting to experience CEVs similar to the ones I normally notice during the MDMA off set period. They were not very visually distinct and less traditionally psychedelic compared to my past experiences. The visuals looked like watching a bustling night cityscape through a blurry reflective surface that extended all across the horizon. I didnt find it particularly difficult to sleep and woke up relatively normally a couple of hours later.
I had no noticeable comedown or physical side effects in the following days, other than being annoyed that I had wasted perfectly good serotonin on something so awful. This experience has definitely made me think twice about popping random pills at clubs and saving these moments for something more planned, or just avoiding street MDMA for the meantime.
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