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Playing With My Life
Fentanyl
by noturtypicaljunkie
Citation:   noturtypicaljunkie. "Playing With My Life: An Experience with Fentanyl (exp116098)". Erowid.org. Mar 24, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116098

 
DOSE:
  insufflated Pharms - Fentanyl (ground / crushed)
    smoked Pharms - Fentanyl  

BODY WEIGHT: 130 lb


PREPARATION- HARM REDUCTION

I want to provide a quick background. These M '30's ( blues, jeans, dirty percs, etc), are pressed with an unknown amount of fentanyl. I donít know how much fent is in each pill, some have more fent than others, so overdose potential is high. Most people cut off a small part of the pill (⅛ or so) to test it out but this can be unsafe as the fentanyl is not always evenly distributed throughout the pill. Again. This shit is potent.

What I do, especially when I started back with no opiate tolerance at all, is crush up the pill completely, shake the fine powder in a bag to make sure itís all mixed. Then I snort a little bit to feel how strong this pill is.

I started using drugs when I was 14, in 2018 where the scene was much different. I come from an upper middle class family. Back then, prescription opiates were much easier to acquire and much cheaper then they are now. My former drug of choice was oxy. It was easy to use as no one expected this Indian girl to be like this. I stopped opiates at 14 when I overdosed in front of my little brother.

Fast forward to now, overdosed multiple times, been addicted to coke, xans, meth, etc. Iíve been to rehab multiple times, been sober for multiple months, relapsed, got sober again, etc. Iím 17, in my last year of high school, with a 4.3 GPA going to a great college. School wise, was a very functional addict.

Out of rehab, sober for a month and a half, I met J. J is a fentanyl addict, been sober for 9 months, out of jail. Our drug use connected us.

We decided to pick up fent one day. I donít think there was anything off about my mindset. I was decently happy, dating this dude, parents trusted me a lot. I was nervous, because I know how deadly this drug this is.

I wanna say, fentanyl has traumatized me. Iíve seen those take their last breaths in front of me because of this drug, lost countless friends because of this drug. But I still did it.

I felt like I was on a cloud. Not that much euphoria compared to oxy, but I felt like I was wrapped in a warm blanket. It was heavenly. My eyesight was fucked but I relaxed and enjoyed it instead of feeling nauseated. An hour later I came down and started to feel more tired but I didnít mind. I didnít care about anything. I wanted to redose but J warned me against it. I craved it immediately. As he dropped me home with around 5 more pills, I immediately went to my bedroom and did another small line. Again, amazing. I melted into the bed.

I told myself when I ran out of the pills I would stop.
I told myself when I ran out of the pills I would stop.
It would be my little experiment. I was high every single second of every day. Family dinners nodding out, slurring my words, but fuck if I care. My 12 panel drug test was negative. I lost the dude I was dating because I scared him off. No one knew what I was doing because I knew they would freak out. They care about me. But I didnít care. In fact this drug has made me into the most selfish person I know. I know one slip up and I die like that, leaving a grieving family and friends. I hate life without it. I ran out 2 days ago. Withdrawals are nothing compared to the obsession I have of getting more. So far, I came close to overdosing once but am still fine. I know this drug is going to be the death of me and I donít care.

In two weeks, I went from a recovering drug addict with hopes and ambitions to someone who has no interest in life.

I wish on everything I never did fentanyl. I have plans to pick up tomorrow. My ex boyfriend D, whoís one of my closest friends, stopped talking to me over something I did on this drug. I hurt him and annoyed him. I miss him so much. I miss who I was before this.

In conclusion, everyone is different. I struggle with addiction and mental health issues. Addiction is bad no matter the substance, but fent is a new level. I feel so frustrated right now. Every inch of me wants to stop this but I canít. I hope I make it out.

Exp Year: 2022ExpID: 116098
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 17 
Published: Mar 24, 2022Views: 1,786
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Pharms - Fentanyl (223) : Various (28), Addiction & Habituation (10)

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