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This is Fine
LSD
by Dragonslayer Velswin
Citation:   Dragonslayer Velswin. "This is Fine: An Experience with LSD (exp116259)". Erowid.org. Sep 5, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116259

 
DOSE:
3 hits sublingual LSD (blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT: 280 lb


At this time in my life, I had a trustworthy and steady supply of all the basic necessities an up and coming psychonaut would ever need. All it took was a small chunk of change and a quick phone call to my plug, and I was the proud owner of some of the most mind altering substances known to man. Obtaining the acid was easy enough, however, this time it came with a warning. My dealer told me that this was some of the strongest acid he had ever tried. He then told me that the blotters were double dosed. Being somewhat experienced, or so I thought, I thanked him for his time and shrugged off his suggestion for taking a smaller dose to start off with.

After I made the purchase I made my way over to my friend's apartment. I'll call him C for anonymity and simplicity’s sake. Once I arrived at C’s apartment, I greeted my other friend D and sat on the couch. The plan was to wait for C to get off of work so that the three of us could trip together. Other players that night included C’s sister A as well as her boyfriend B and D’s brother E, as well as E’s girlfriend J, however, D and I were the only ones at the apartment at the time. After about an hour of playing video games, E and J arrived at the apartment and informed us that C wouldn’t be getting home until late in the evening because he had to stay late at work, so D and I decided to dose early.

We both dropped 3 blotters each under our tongues and sat back to wait for the effects to kick in. While I had tripped several times on acid prior to this, D had only done it twice at this point. The most I had ever done up until this point was 2 tabs, so I remember being slightly nervous, but overall, not extremely worried for what the night would hold for us. While the four of us were sitting in C’s room, we decided to turn on his color changing LED’s as well as some chill music to ease us into our come up.

The first thing that I noticed was the tapestry on the wall. This tapestry was something that I never paid much attention to prior to this experience. It was an extremely vivid psychedelic artwork containing multiple tie dye colors, fractal geometric shapes, and symbols. While I was staring at the tapestry I noticed that the symbols began to breathe with the music, almost as if they were floating on the sound waves like a boat bobbing up and down in the middle of the ocean. The fractal shapes were popping out at me like I was in an IMAX theater wearing 3D glasses. The thing that bothered me at the time was that it had only been ten minutes since we dropped.

I knew one thing at that very moment, and it was that the acid we had just taken was stronger than anything I had ever taken before. Usually, it takes around 45 minutes for the come up to start, however, this time it was happening much faster, and stronger. I repeated to myself the age old mantra that I had been told the very first time I had ever tripped, “ride the dragon man” and that's what I did.

Everything was going fine, I was slowly getting higher, more confused, and more visuals, and that was to be expected. However, shortly after I had acclimated myself to the initial phase of the come up, our dynamic, and as a result, the atmosphere changed. E and J looked at me and D and told us that they had to leave. It had only been 30 minutes since we had dropped, E and J had an emergency, so they had to leave us behind to go take care of their situation. I instantly felt a pit in my stomach. I had been told only a few minutes prior to this that C and A would not be off of work till 10 o’clock that evening, which meant that D and I would have to be by ourselves for the next 4 hours until they got home.

The time it took for E and J to pack their belongings and leave took around 2 minutes, however to me, it felt like an hour had passed. Then, they were gone, and it felt like it had happened instantaneously. I remember thinking to myself that time was already starting to become irrelevant and it had only been 35 minutes since we had put the blotters under our tongues. My anxiety continued to increase, even after E and J had left, meanwhile D was sitting playing on his phone, or so I thought. I found out later that he was attempting to snapchat his girlfriend at the time with little success.

I asked D if I could change the music, since he was playing it on his phone. He obliged and handed me the phone so that I could change the song. My visuals were so intense at this point that nothing in the room looked familiar. It looked like I had just traveled through a wormhole to an alternate dimension where everything was a weird shape or color. My open eye visuals consisted of millions of spirals and buzzsaw fractals, as well as the constant morphing of everything in my vision. I quickly realized that I had no way of deciphering the alien piece of technology that I was holding and I could only press random buttons on the screen, not knowing what I was doing.

I went through a thought loop of trying to change the song, where I would turn the phone on, attempt to unlock it even though I didn’t know the password (not that it would have mattered) and then turning it back off after becoming frustrated. This went on for several minutes until I finally gave up and accepted defeat. At this point I couldn’t even remember what I was trying to do in the first place. While the simple task did help alleviate my anxiety for a short amount of time, it all came rushing back once I found myself with nothing to do. I looked over to my friend and realized that he had been watching me frantically typing away at his phone's lock screen for several minutes, never attempting to ask him what the password was. I can only imagine what was going through his head at the time. I didn’t care though, to me he just looked like an alien, or an NPC in a video game. Nothing about him looked familiar to me, it was almost like I was looking at a new creature never before seen by the human eye. Deep down though, some part of me knew that he was still my friend even though he looked nothing like the D I once knew.

Barely remembering how to speak English, I asked him how he was doing. Then he replied with, to this day, the most terrifying thing that anyone has ever said to me in my entire life. He replied, “This is fine.”

The next couple of hours are blurry, and I am still struggling to piece together my memory of the events that took place during this time. However, I do remember one thing. I remember my friend repeating the phrase, “this is fine” over and over again, for what seemed like an infinite amount of time. At first it was an annoyance, but then it developed into anxiety, and then a full blown panic attack. I was so high that the words held no meaning to me, however, just the sound of his voice and the utterance of that phrase were driving me to insanity. My visuals were so overwhelmingly intense that I couldn’t even see what was right in front of me. However, they were moving in sink to his voice, and his repetition of the phrase, “this is fine.”

I attempted to escape, and fled to the living room. Somehow I remembered that TV existed and I turned on the TV in the living room to drown out the noise of my friend, however, it was short lived as he entered the living room to be near me. I think that he was just as freaked out, if not more, than I was at the time, but I could not handle what he was saying to me. I turned the volume on the TV to the max, and tried to focus on what was going on, but everything on the TV looked just as foreign and alien as the world around me. Still, through the blaring sound of the TV I could hear my friend screaming at the top of his lungs, “THIS IS FINE.”

This went on for a few minutes, until I finally snapped and ran to the bathroom for some respite. After getting lost in my own eyes and thoughts in the mirror, I decided to take a shower. For my entire life, hot showers have always calmed me down when I’m having an anxiety attack, and the feeling of the warm water over my face helped a little bit, but I could still faintly hear my friend in the background repeating the same phrase. At this point I couldn’t understand english, so he could have been saying anything, but deep down I knew that he was still repeating the same thing over and over again. I remember looking at the falling droplets of water and being able to control and predict their paths of movement with my mind. My memory is fuzzy but I believed that I could control the temperature of the water with my mind as well, almost as if I had some slight form of telekinesis. I dried off and re-entered the living room after my shower, only to find D in the same spot I had left him. He was still repeating the same phrase, however, this time his mouth wasn’t moving. He was staring at me with cold dead eyes, and in my head I heard the phrase “this is fine” over and over still.

This truly has to be the most existential dread I have ever experienced in my entire life. Since this experience I have had conversations with DMT jesters and aliens, met the mushroom gods on multiple occasions, however seeing my friend communicate to me with his mind while staring into my soul was truly more terrifying than anything else I have ever experienced.
I have had conversations with DMT jesters and aliens, met the mushroom gods on multiple occasions, however seeing my friend communicate to me with his mind while staring into my soul was truly more terrifying than anything else I have ever experienced.


I collapsed to the floor and accepted my eternal fate. In my mind, I was in hell, and this was my punishment for all the sins I had committed throughout my life. Then, with my eyes closed on the floor I began my descent into my first true ego death. The light of my life began to fade away, and was replaced by the singularity of a black hole. A fourth dimensional geometric mass moving in tandem to the rhythm of the phrase “this is fine.” I did not know the meaning, I just understood the vibrations of what was being shown to me. It looked like a truly unrecognizable shape. Something that no human could ever hope to comprehend. It moved in ways I could never describe with words, and then suddenly it vanished. After it left I was alone. I was nothing and everything at the same time.

I understood somehow, that I was truly alone, and that everything in my life, even though I couldn’t remember what life was, was a lie. It was all a facade that I had created for myself. It was all a hallucination, and I was god. I knew at that moment that I was god, I was alone in the universe, and all of the things that had ever happened to me and everyone else, good and bad, were because of me. I experienced the most truly, utterly, terrifyingly horrible dread any human being could never hope to experience in their entire lives. An infinity of aloneness, and infinity of nothingness. There was no one else, only me. I was all and everything, and nothing at the same time.

Then, I decided. Because I was god I decided that I did not want to be god. So then it was, and I was no longer god. Slowly, I reversed my way through the black hole, and out of the infinite geometries of the other dimension and progressed back into the reality of our universe.I made my way through our galaxy, then to our solar system, then onto planet Earth, and arrived back into the C’s apartment, writhing on the ground balling my eyes out.

It was only then that I looked up and realized that D, A, B, and C were all standing over me looking like they had just seen a ghost. To me they looked like aliens so the feeling was mutual. My visuals were just as intense as they were before but, I was at least back on planet Earth, so I was thankful for that. I wasn’t out of the woods yet though, not by a long shot.

C and B asked me how I was doing, but I had no idea what they were saying. It sounded to me like they were speaking another language made up of strange robotic noises. I remember barely understanding them when they had asked me if I wanted one of the trip killers that I had brought with me that evening. At the time I was prescribed Trazodone, and while I had never taken it while tripping, I knew that it would be successful in bringing me back to reality. This, unfortunately, would never come to fruition.

I was right at the beginning of my peak, and I was in an extreme state of mental distress. When B handed me the pill, I put it in my mouth with a sip of gatorade. The first thing I remember is a tingling sensation in my mouth. In my altered state of confusion I mistook this feeling for impending death. I was under the impression at the time that the medicine that they had just given me was poison, so I spat it out and realized the truth. I was the only living being in the entire universe, all of my friends and family were just NPC’s in the giant simulation. Now that I had become self aware they were trying to kill me to reset the timeline. This is what I truly believed at the time. Instantly my fight or flight response kicked in.

I’d like to believe that this is where the true trip really began. Not with the ego death I had experienced prior to this, but with the sense of dread in knowing that everyone in the world was coming after me with the sole intention of killing me. I looked at the faces of my friends, and I saw their evil demonic expressions, almost as if they had realized that I had found out the truth and were now no longer trying to hide it.

I ran out of the house, pushing past everyone around me, and took off into the cold dark night wearing nothing but my basketball shorts. I was 6’3 and 280 pounds at the time, so there was no way that any of them would have been able to stop me. I ran into the parking lot screaming at the top of my lungs, but deep down I knew that my screams would fall on deaf ears. I yelled, “they’re trying to kill me!” over and over. I felt no pain from my feet even though I was running over shards of glass and sharp rocks on the ground.

They chased me all the way across the parking lot, and I felt like I was truly in a survival horror movie. I had never run so fast in my entire life. I was tackled in the middle of the road by B, the only other man in the group of comparable size to me. He was begging me to return to the house, but I would not accept my fate so easily. I scratched and clawed at his face until he let go of me, and I began to run into the middle of oncoming traffic. The cars all looked like alien spacecraft orbiting around a galactic highway. My friends, still in my pursuit, waved down the traffic so that they would not hit me. Many people got out of their cars and asked what was going on, but I was writhing on the ground in the middle of the road. I assume many people called the police and paramedics, but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out. I did, however, find out later that my friends maintained their story to anyone that asked, that I was schizophrenic and was suffering from a severe mental outburst.

I ran out of the road and back into the apartment complex, where I was met with A, C’s sister. I fell to the ground and assumed the meditative position that I see most buddha statues in. In my head I was the one true entity, I was god, and my powers were returning to me. I began speaking in tongues, and channeling the power that I had long forgotten so that I could evade those who were pursuing me. A approached me slowly, trying to calm me down, but as soon as she got close enough to touch me, I sprang out like a stray cat and ran in the other direction. I knew that I was the fastest being in the universe and I ran into the forest surrounding C’s apartment.

This was the last time that any of my friends would see me for many hours. I had, at this point, grown accustomed to my visuals, and was now in acceptance of my new reality. I stumbled through the forest, having profound realizations of reality and nature. I met with myself from previous lives, and talked with the most profound scholars in history. I met with Jesus himself and he only maintained that I was Jesus in another life. I met with Shakespeare, who told me that love was the meaning to everything in existence, and then I met with Dylan Thomas, who told me not to go gentle into that good night.

I was in an enchanted forest surrounded by dead prophets and mystics, and I begged them to stop giving me profound knowledge about the universe. I bargained with whoever was listening, that I might return to my life as a normal human being, unaware of the existentialism of ego death. I did not want this information, even though I knew that it was the ultimate truth. I knew then, there was only one way to make this terrible evening end. I saw a ledge in front of me. The forest I was in was, thankfully, surrounded by civilization, but I was still in the most precarious situation I had ever been in.

A wall had been built to separate the dirt from entering the parking lot, however the wall did not go any higher than the ground level on the side of the forest. I walked towards the wall, listening to all the voices in my head telling me not to go any further, however I ignored them all and I plummeted face first into the pavement. I woke up, surrounded by a pool of crimson red liquid, and felt the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my life. I have no memory of the fall, but I do remember waking up on the pavement. It was now around midnight, so there was no one else in the parking lot.

I writhed on the ground, and experienced what I can only describe as hell. I went through every life I have ever lived. However, the only thing I experienced was the death that I had gone through for that life. I died a billion different ways. Even though it was only a hallucination, I felt the pain of being burned alive, and crucified on a cross. I felt the pain of starving to death, and being shot in the back or stabbed. This went on for an eternity, and it felt more real than reality itself. I’m not sure how long I was on that pavement, but I remember seeing Jesus standing over me. I asked him why I was going through all of this, and he replied, “You already went through this. You’re just remembering your past lives. In order to truly appreciate the life you’re living now, you have to understand the suffering of those who came before you.”

After he spoke to me I realized that he was me, and I was him. I was everyone, and the pain and suffering I inflicted on others was ultimately just reflected back onto myself. I then had a complete change in my mental state. I felt the pure love of all my past lives. I experienced all of the relationships I had developed with myself over the millions of years, and the pure love of the universe.
I felt the pure love of all my past lives. I experienced all of the relationships I had developed with myself over the millions of years, and the pure love of the universe.
I realized that in order for love to have any meaning, I would need something to compare it to. The reason for suffering is so that love holds much more value.

I stood, and realized that I had only suffered bruises to my arms and legs as well as a broken nose where the blood was coming from. I was lucky to have survived, or at least not broken anything on my fall. I was beginning, at this point, to sober up. I stared at the stars and I could control them with my mind. I could wave my hands in the sky and entire galaxies would flow like the ingredients in a galactic pot of soup. I was happier than I had ever been, realizing that I had created something as beautiful as the universe. I then met with complex entities that I could only describe as stereotypical gray aliens. I believe this was another hallucination, but who knows, I was sitting alone in the middle of a parking lot at midnight, so maybe I really was abducted by aliens. They brought me aboard their ship and told me they were going to fix my wounds. They told me that they had been watching me and they didn’t want me to have any permanent injuries because of this experience. I thanked them after they did their operations, and they returned me to the same parking lot where they had found me.

After this, I stood on my feet and, somehow, I walked back to my friend's apartment complex. I found his apartment and I climbed in through the back sliding glass door. This is something that I would do on a regular basis as I basically lived with him, but I did not have a key to his apartment. I realized that all of his furniture and decorations were missing, but I didn’t think anything of it, and I went to his bathroom to take a shower. In the shower I washed the blood and dirt off of every part of my body. I felt much better than I had only a few hours prior to this, however, I was still tripping extremely hard. I played with the water droplets again, and I found that I could control them with my mind even more than I could earlier in the evening. I then fell back into another hallucination, although it felt more like a daydream. This time it was of a man and I was just a child. He would beat me and I would come to the shower to cry, and I realized it was a repressed memory from my childhood. The horrible man was my father. I had forgotten all the times he had beaten me growing up, and the experience of being in the shower had unlocked those memories.

It was right then that the sun started to come up. I had been in the shower for god knows how long, when I remembered that cell phones existed, and I had somehow not lost mine in all the commotion the night prior. I looked and saw at least a hundred missed calls from my brother, friends, and some restricted numbers which I can only assume were the police or emergency services. I was confused why they were all calling me when I was clearly safe in my friend's apartment, when I realized that I was not in fact in his apartment, and in a random apartment that just happened to be unlocked. I freaked out and got dressed, still sopping wet because I didn’t have a towel, and ran out of the apartment. Luckily, it was an empty apartment, probably one that had a showing the next day considering the brochure sitting on the kitchen counter.

I ran all the way back to my friend's apartment and knocked on the door. He opened and nearly cried when he saw me. My friends at the time were closer to me than my actual family, with the exclusion of my brother, so they were all extremely relieved to see me. I went inside and gave all of them hugs and apologized profusely. I was still tripping but the effects were extremely mellow compared to before. I had been tripping now for 15 hours, and I was ready to sleep so C let me change into an extra set of clothes he had, and let me sleep in his bed for the next 8 hours.

When I woke up, my memories from the night before were extremely cloudy, but my friends filled me in on some of the details. I found out that emergency services and police were called, and they were all out looking for me for hours, however, none of my friends gave the police my real name or contact information so I was extremely thankful for that. I was debating whether or not to go to the hospital but in reality my only injuries were a broken nose, cut up feet, knees, and wrists, so I decided against it.

When my friends asked me to recount what had happened, I truly could not. Every time I tried to tell them my words would not work and I would become extremely anxious. I had PTSD from this experience for many years after, however, in the past year I have been able to work through what I had learned, and I now view it as having a positive impact on my life.

Exp Year: 2019ExpID: 116259
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Sep 5, 2022Views: 705
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LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Post Trip Problems (8), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)

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