Citation: bindingaffinity. "Never at a Loss for Words: An Experience with MXE & Deschloroketamine (exp116278)". Erowid.org. Apr 27, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116278
| T+ 0:00
| T+ 2:45
||(powder / crystals)
I have a long history of experience with dissociatives. They were my true introduction to psychoactives, and remain my favorite class of substances. Most of this experience has been with MXE, although I also have substantial experience with DXM, O-PCM (or as it is often referred to, deschloroketamine), 3-MeO-PCE, and 3-MeO-PCP.
Typically, I do not find dissociatives (other than DXM) to be especially visual substances. Even while sober, I have a very strong and vivid imagination or mind's eye, dissociatives usually do not enhance this for me, nor do they create visual geometry like classical psychedelics (except again for DXM).
Some months ago, I had combined mid-to-moderate doses of 3-MeO-PCE and O-PCM (unfortunately, I did not record the exact dose) and had a very unique trip characterized by creativity (especially musical) and a visual style that turned the images in my mind's eye, which are typically photorealistic, into hand-drawn sketches.
I don't know what motivated me to combine the two in the first place, but the experience was very rewarding, and so I decided to experiment with further dissociative combinations.
I measured out 32mg of MXE and 23mg of O-PCM and put them into a vegan capsule. Although I haven't tested vegan vs gelatin capsules, I do know that the onset becomes much less sudden and anxiety-inducing, for me if I swallow the material in a capsule.
I do know that the onset becomes much less sudden and anxiety-inducing, for me if I swallow the material in a capsule.
I took the capsule alone in my room around 5 PM, and made myself comfortable in bed, putting some music on my headphones.
About 45 minutes in, I began to feel some sort of alert, and shortly thereafter I was clearly in a lightly dissociated state. Muscle movements became clumsy, my vision doubled, and my skin and body become numb. My emotional response to the music heightened, and the complex and unpredictable rhythms of artists such as Autechre and Machinedrum became delightfully surprising. All of this was as expected, and according to plan.
In my MXE experiences in the past, I would mostly lose my ability to use language during the peak. The last few remaining sentences or phrases I could muster up became a life raft that I clung to, repeating like a mantra in my mind as I struggled to swim back to the familiar shore of conceptual and linguistic thinking. Sometimes they were richly metaphorical if a bit nonsensical ("I am a diamond drill bit", "internal boundary purge") and other times simple cries for help ("is it okay?"). Alongside this there would be a disruption in what philosophers of schizophrenia call "ipseity" or "the basic self", that is, the sense of being a unified person whose internal stimuli are separate from external stimuli. For example, I have experienced my core sense of self being fractured into multiple pieces and put back together. This effect is most characteristic of MXE for me, although I have also felt it on DCK and once on 3-MeO-PCP.
Expecting these disruptions, I prepared myself as the dissociation became heavier and heavier. I was surprised to find out that throughout the peak, my consciousness remained unified.
At 2 hours and 45 minutes in, I attempted once again to obliterate my sense of self, via a redose of 35 mg of MXE swallowed without a gel cap. After doing so, I turned off the lights, laid down, and prepared myself.
I never lost my language, nor my sense of self. Because I remained lucid, I was able to commit to memory the visions I had as I sunk into the bed. The visuals I saw with my eyes were fluorescent grey Rothko paintings, which assembled themselves into the suggestion of a scene, which my mind's eye would then fill in the details of. As the experience wore on, the color fields I saw would become smaller and more detailed, eventually becoming indistinguishable from regular phosphenes.
It felt as though I was falling, and sometimes rotating. Occasionally, often in the space between songs, the falling sensation would stop. My body felt like it was being stretched out and then returned back to normal size, first widthwise then lengthwise. Sometimes it felt as though parts of my body were radically shifting position relative to each other.
I recall feeling like I was falling down an elevator shaft into a vast comforting black void. It felt as though I was bright light falling down into the outstretched hands of a massive statue of a goddess.
I recall feeling like I was floating in a pinkish sea of gelatinous chromatin. Parts of my body were being rotated one way and other parts in the opposite direction, like interlocking gears.
The whole time I remained as still as possible. I moved an arm once to scratch an itch, resulting in only that arm feeling real, and the rest of my body remaining numb and blurry.
I remained still for two hours. Five hours in, I got up from my reverie. I still had double vision, and was very clumsy and ataxic to the point that to walk around my apartment required holding on to walls. I ate a small snack, although I didn't have much of an appetite. I also showered. Although I normally enjoy showering on lighter doses of dissociatives, this taxed my already limited coordination, and I was mostly focused on trying not to slip.
Although I knew I needed to attempt to sleep, I put it off for a couple more hours as I wrote notes to myself about my experience and explored the history of art on the internet. In the process I encountered a few works of such beauty and grace that made my heart ache. I long to be the source of such a light, not just a mirror. I want to create and expand, not merely consume and diminish.
Nine hours in, I finally tried to go to sleep. I woke up an hour later than usual. During the day after, I was in good spirits but still somewhat clumsy and thick-tongued, with a mild headache.
Thinking about my experience, the combination of MXE and O-PCM is not one I would try again
the combination of MXE and O-PCM is not one I would try again
. While they may seem negative, the fragmentations of self and dissolution of language that I typically experience on MXE are welcome escapes from living in a mind governed by concepts and structure, and I believe that O-PCM inhibited that. I think this experience did teach me to focus more consciously on aspects of the dissociative experience that I had previously taken for granted, such as the vestibular and proprioceptive hallucinations that I experienced. It also showed me that if I consciously make my inner experience the focus, my dissociative trips can be soul-stirringly beautiful.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.