Citation: Kart Futzer. "Upon Sealed Lips and an Open Mind: An Experience with DMT (exp116303)". Erowid.org. Apr 28, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116303
||(powder / crystals)
Mindset: Relatively calm, with a sense of determination that I would follow through and take the hit. I have struggled quite a lot with fear around DMT for a while now, but I had been building up with smaller doses throughout the week, and was feeling ready finally.
Setting: Seated in a comfortable chair, in near darkness, in front of my speakers. I had a beautiful ambient mixtape playing at low volume, mostly just because I couldn’t decide if music or no music was what I wanted, so I ended up deciding on something quiet and without percussion. I was zipped up nearly all the way in my sleeping bag, with just enough room to maneuver my arms as needed. The room was cleansed a few times with Palo Santo prior to the experience.
Dosage & Route of Administration: 22mg N,N-DMT I had extracted myself, vaporized via direct e-mesh. The dosage for this route of administration is different than some other methods because if done properly, there isn’t any spice burned or left in the vessel after, and you get the entire dose in one hit. I mention this because 22mg may not sound like a breakthrough dose if you are using a different method, but it was enough in this case.
Other drugs/supplements/prescriptions, etc.: None.
So, this past Friday I decided that it was time to aim for a dose of over 20mg on emesh, which is the most I’ve attempted, and I suspected this might be sufficient for my first-ever breakthrough. Lately, I have been trying to start a session with a lighter dose (5-10mg) to dispel pre-flight anxiety and then have done a heavier dose (10-15mg) after.
Lately, I have been trying to start a session with a lighter dose (5-10mg) to dispel pre-flight anxiety and then have done a heavier dose (10-15mg) after.
This time, rather than start with a lighter dose, I decided I was just going to go straight for it from the get go. I loaded up 22mg (this just felt right for some reason) and did some meditation / breathing to get myself settled.
So after doing some deep breathing, I took a single 10-second hit and immediately knew I’d done enough to break through. The sheer velocity of the launch was absolutely nuts… It felt like I was strapped to the front of a rocket. I had the same geometric red/blue visual phenomena form as with some previous “waiting room” experiences, but it was superimposed upon itself in impossible ways, and had a 4D feel to it. Like if you took a 3D space and crumpled the spacetime itself down into 3D shapes made out of 3D space???? The sheer speed at which this unfolded was enough to tell me this was going to be a lot more than the other experiences I’d had. I saw the “tunnel” form with the columns (like “Net of Being” by Alex Grey, but without faces), and I accelerated right through it into something beyond. I think this all happened within 10 seconds of finishing my toke. The speed of the come up with the emesh is WILD.
It’s kind of hard to remember a lot of the actual breakthrough imagery. I did not see any humanoid entities, but it seems that the geometry itself was sentient and evolving and mutating. I heard a ton of strange sounds that were not coming from the music I was listening to - it sounded a lot like Tipper and some of the vocal-y lead synths that G Jones uses, and a whole bunch of geometry was rotating around and rearranging itself in the space. Honestly, it was pretty terrifying because I had this sense where my mouth was completely immobilized. I couldn’t have opened it to speak or utter sounds if I had wanted to, and the feeling that this was intentional or part of the deal was palpable. The feeling I experienced as this happened would be like that of a person with duct tape over their mouth, and their eyes wide with fear. It was pretty terrifying. I can’t really remember what I was shown, and I think that’s kind of the point, but I was shown some impossible things and given impossible knowledge that a human really isn’t supposed to know, which felt like the reason my mouth was immobilized. I had a voice recorder running the whole time, so I may have to try this again without that to see if the ‘closed mouth’ feeling stops (that would be REALLY interesting).
The geometries (entities?) communicated telepathically to me and they could sense that I was afraid. They didn’t really try to calm me down, it felt more like they were irritated about something, but not really angry with me, more like they had to hammer something into me quickly and with a lot of force. They were INCREDIBLY powerful. I felt them poking around in my brain and doing things with it, and I had physical sensations in my head as they did this, which was very uncomfortable. It felt like my brain was the center of an atom and there were electrons flying around and colliding with my brain matter. I was just trying my darndest to stay calm…. And they were communicating to me telepathically over and over, something along the lines of “remember, you wanted this experience” “you came here, you asked for this” “you wanted to see this” “you chose this”. They didn’t really use words, but that was the information I feel like they were sharing. And yeah, they almost seemed pissed off, but not quite, just like… very powerful in how they communicated.
(I think this part of the trip was related to my ongoing fascination with DMT, but the fact that I have messed around with low doses mostly and always wondered about breakthroughs but never really gone for one. There are a few reasons besides just the general fear I had around the experience that aren’t really worth writing in detail about, but basically I have lost countless hours of sleep wondering about the DMT experience and the information it contains... But when it has come to actually sitting down and doing it, I have mostly messed around with thresholding and moderate doses while on LSD, never going deeper than the “waiting room” phase where one sees the column structures commonly.)
In this space, it felt like I was seeing something that related to where we go when we die, though I can’t say I remember enough or understand it well enough to make that claim - that’s just the feeling I got. I know I forgot a ton of the information I was exposed to, which was just part of the deal. And basically I think my fear was getting the better of me… The sensations of poking around in my head and things bubbling in my brain were REALLY intense, I couldn’t help but wonder if my physical body might have been in trouble. I had the thought “damn I really don’t want to die right now” - which immediately I realized was kind of a silly thought, because we all die someday.. and as I had the thought, time in human years or decades didn’t really seem important at all… so dying today felt like it had the same end result as dying in 100 years, and it seemed like I would end up in the same place either way, if there is one. I’ve thought a lot about death from a very young age, and I think I’ve mostly made my peace with it. I can’t call up the fear of death anymore like I used to be able to, where my whole body would shake and I’d feel it to my core. I just am not really afraid to the degree I used to be. I’m not sure when that happened, but it was definitely after I started using psychedelics. But anyway, I had this thought about not wanting to die, and then I immediately remembered “but that is going to happen someday to you, and to every other human, it’s part of the human experience…”
After that series of thoughts, the geometric entities that were hammering into my brain stopped, and the auditory component of the experience changed. I think that was their point, and now that I had come to the realizations about death, the message had been received and I was able to move on from there. The squelchy, vocal tones quieted down, and I just kind of heard a dark droning tone, and the space emptied out and morphed into a new space, less of a circular room and more like a grid-type room. There was this geometric orange and blue dragon entity floating above me, and all it wanted was to help me calm down. It was trying to soothe and reassure me. It didn’t really interact with me directly very much because it didn’t want to scare me, it just wanted to make this calming drone of a sound, and hang out there. And that was really nice, I was happy to be there hanging out with it, and I knew the most intense part of the trip was likely over. So me and this orange blue rollercoaster-looking dragon thing (looked like some of what Android Jones creates) just hung out and relaxed for a while. And then I gradually faded back into being a human again, regaining more awareness of my body, and realizing that I was okay.
I babbled a bit into my voice recorder, laugh-cried at the sheer intensity of the experience, and was astonished to figure out that I’d been gone just 11 minutes from the moment I exhaled the hit to the moment I opened my eyes. It’s weird because that felt totally possible, but it also felt like a lot happened and like human time didn’t really apply to the experience, and that I had again stepped outside the bounds of linear time into a suspended time flow that did not play by the usual rules.
My takeaway from this trip was that to live a life on earth as a human is really a gift, and I was just overwhelmed with gratitude to be here and to be alive. The ephemeral nature of the human condition was really present in my mind.
I was just overwhelmed with gratitude to be here and to be alive. The ephemeral nature of the human condition was really present in my mind.
I felt a lot of inner peace, where it was like the movement that normally takes place in my mind had stilled and I just got to exist for a while after the trip. The whole thing made me resolve to try to bring more love and connection to my interactions to the people in my life, and to try to be better to them. To hug people like I really meant it, and to try to put love into everything I do.
I hope this was a fun read! I love you, you are a beautiful human, and I hope you have a very nice day <3
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