Citation: J. "Catharsis During the COVID-19 Pandemic: An Experience with MDMA (exp116394)". Erowid.org. Jun 14, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116394
A little preface: This was the first time I had ever taken MDMA at this point in my life. Before that, I had taken psilocybin mushrooms 3 times and microdosed w/ it, as well as microdosed LSD once. The dose I had was tested with the Marquis reagent and turned dark purple.
The day I dosed was only a few days after the shutdown occurred, at least in the state I was living in. I dosed at about 3:30p and decided to take a bath. I know some may think this was a bad idea but the bath is always calming to me, and I had a trip sitter in my living room. I periodically drained the bathwater when it got cold and refilled it with hot water. I didn't check the time after the initial dosing, as I try to stay off my phone during these experiences.
After what felt like 30 minutes, I closed my eyes and began to touch myself. It definitely felt better than usual. (As a note, around this time in my life it was common for me to masturbate once a day.) Accompanying the sensation, I began to see impressions of what looked like rain droplets hitting the surface of water behind my eyelids. It felt like I couldn't resist falling into pleasure and I continued to touch myself, but rubbing all over my body, usually in circular motions.
Very rarely did I open my eyes, but when I did, I saw myself completely arched, rigid on my tiptoes in complete ecstasy. It was beyond the arousal I typically feel when pleasuring myself, it was beauty and love. I didn't feel the normal insecurity I have around my body. In fact, I remember the phrase "pleasure body" when looking at and feeling myself.
After an hour of being on the verge of orgasm, I started to feel unpleasant. Common psychedelic paranoid thoughts, like I had made myself crazy or vulnerable (especially during such a time). I could hear my tripsitter rummaging through the cupboard outside which sounded angry and conspiring. I saw tracers when I moved my hands, which only fueled my fear that I had "messed myself up with drugs." I was able to reason with myself, though. I remember saying to myself that he was not angry with me, and that it only sounded that way because of the MDMA. I resisted the urge to move too much or do things to "ground me," which in the past I have found has only fueled mania and paranoia during trips. I remained with my eyes closed, and followed my thoughts to the dark place. It felt like the regretful fear you feel when before the big drop on a rollercoaster. I braced myself against the tub as you would, and experienced the unpleasantness. I realized it was necessary to experience this suffering. I think it parallels with my avoidance of this type of feeling in my everyday life. At least I interpreted it this way.
When these feelings subsided, I was flooded with love. For myself and for others. I felt the importance of communication and contact. I knew that it would be imperative to maintain contact during this period of isolation and that I have a responsibility to my professors and classmates to continue to work through this as usual to give their work meaning. I felt I owe it to everyone to be stable and strong, because this will give them strength too. I remember weeping during these thoughts. I felt as though I was directing the trip at this point. It wasn't very visual, but I remember conjuring the faces of people in my life and realizing the specific duties I had to them.
A few more times I remember lesser periods of unpleasantness and forcing myself to go into them. They got easier each time, as I knew I had to be with them.
When I started to come down, It was around 7:30p. The comedown of course was difficult (nausea, headache, insomnia), but I gritted my teeth and managed in my own way.
The takeaway was that I'm glad I decided to do this during a difficult time. At first I was afraid it would shake my foundations, reminding me of how vulnerable we all are, instead it reminded me that I am strong and that was something I had forgotten.
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