DOSE:

oral

LSD

BODY WEIGHT:

113 lb

I had taken acid with my partner a half dozen times before this particular trip, and my experiences had always been pleasant with rather gentle psychedelic effects. We would listen to music or watch a film or just hang out together. But this particular time was completely different, completely unexpected, and changed my life in ways I am still trying to comprehend.

My partner and I had booked a 90 minute session at a “float” place for this particular evening, and we decided it would be fun to trip while floating. It was our first float. (For those who don't know, the float experience involves submerging yourself naked in a tank of warm salt water. You can have lights on or be in total darkness. Some find it very relaxing or meditative.) We ingested the acid at our home about an hour before our appointment, both of us feeling positive and looking forward to this new experience. We think the dosage was the same for both of us. For my partner, the acid kicked in almost immediately. For me, it took about an hour (this is typical).

During the float, I felt male and female energy both rushing through me. An image of a middle-aged woman with long, curly gray hair kept manifesting in my mind. When I got out of the tank, I looked in the mirror (always an interesting thing to do while tripping) and watched my face rippling from male to female and back.

This was just the beginning.

The float over, my partner and I decided to get something to eat. We walked a short distance to an Asian café and ordered soup and rice, and were generally acting pretty silly and giggly, but more or less in control. My partner paid for the food and we left.

At this point my memory of real-time events dissolves.

I was in a “cosmic café.” I don't know how to explain this, but my consciousness was “splintered” into many different awarenesses. I was still “me,” but somehow I also was everyone else at the same time, and everything was happening all at once; there was no time, only an eternal Now. I felt that this was ultimate reality, which had always existed and always will, I just hadn't been able to experience it until now, until the LSD unlocked or opened something in my mind. I knew my partner was beside me, but in a way, there was no difference between he and I. I could feel his earthly desires – a distraction from spiritual reality– and his fears as my own – as anyone's.

I heard voices all around me, speaking in many languages that did not sound “foreign” – but there was no sense of confusion, only harmony.

I looked at the faces around me in this “café.” They shimmered with change, with beautiful symbols and colors; they changed constantly from one ethnicity to another, from male to female, and there was a harmony in all the changes. Nothing remained constant and yet it all seemed natural. Sometimes I heard chimes, as though something was trying to get my attention or calling me to focus.

I had a feeling of being welcomed: “Now you see how it is!” A feeling of being lovingly encouraged, guided through this new reality which I had been blind to until now.

The voices I heard were always saying things that related directly to my experience. Unfortunately I can't remember much of what I heard, but I do remember someone saying “It's disorienting at first.” I remember my partner eating greedily, frantically, and saying “I feel like there's a hole inside me.” I realized that although I had always seen myself as a hedonist, one who distracts themselves with worldly pleasures to avoid feeling pain, my partner was just the same. I saw him as an old man who would one day die and decompose, but he was also a sort of “acid trickster” who had “been there” many times before. He too was welcoming and grinning. I wasn't sad at the thought of him dying because I knew he had always existed and always would in some way.

Later, I know that I ascended even higher and glimpsed vast unfolding complexities, which I can only describe as branching out further and further, revealing a higher wisdom. Even as I type this I know it sounds like a lot of trite New Age nonsense. As I descended back to my “self” I knew that I would forget it all.

I saw and felt that the universe is forever in a grand cycle, like planets eternally rotating, and that fear, love, disgust, anger, compassion are always “floating” through the universe and through all of us as part of the human experience. Those of us who are pulled into fear or hate or negativity must repeat life until they return into harmony with the great reality. I felt sad about this, about all of the suffering that humans experience as they repeat lifetimes over and over. I asked repeatedly “WHY” there has to be fear and negativity at all – the answer was simply “This is how it is, and always has been and always will be.”

There was a point when I realized, or was shown, that anything is possible, there are no limits. I was holding onto my rational/logical mind and knew I could let it go, and for a second I experienced this, and since rationality or sanity is what anchors us in reality, it was very frightening. I could let go of my perceived orientation in space and it wouldn't matter. At this point I realized we had been walking down the street, because I fell down and bumped my head slightly. A very kind woman came over to help me to my feet. I remember she was Asian and wore a jade bracelet that burned with light. She asked if I needed help and I whispered no, and thanked her several times.

Such kindness was shown to me that night!

I began to move toward Ultimate Reality; I wanted to become one with it. I could have completely merged with the Infinite. I felt myself beginning to, but a part of me wanted to return to an individual life... A beautiful, ugly, hard, limited-awareness, painful life, where I would be best able to love and to practice compassion. Then things began coming into focus. I could smell the harsh artificial odors of city streets, and air freshener or perfume. I felt cold. I knew I was in a car, with a seat belt on – I did not like feeling restrained by the seat belt – and my partner was in the back seat, very concerned about me. I was holding onto nausea. Something told me to let it go, and I threw up. I was still afraid of something, still holding onto something, unwilling to let go. But I let myself come back down to earth, I let the amnesia take over. I felt very cold and heavy and wobbly. The driver, bless her, was so kind to me even though I had just been sick in her car. She took me by the hands and guided me toward our apartment very slowly and gently. I looked into her face. She appeared to be a sort of bird-woman hybrid, maybe part owl or part hawk, and she was infinitely loving and wise. I think I embraced her and felt my hands melt into her. I remember coming into the apartment and our little dog trotting out to greet us, all anxious and happy as always. My partner got me to sit down and took my shoes off with some difficulty. Then I got undressed and went into the bathroom. It was over.

I want to note that my partner's experience was extremely different. Later he told me that he could see I was way “out there,” and he was afraid for me when I fell down and when I got sick. He was much more in control of himself than I was.

Since that night, my life hasn't been the same. I am consumed with a newly awakened hunger for spiritual knowledge. I have been reading Hindu and Buddhist teachings; they resonate for me. When I see people, I imagine we are all “splinters” of a great unity. There is no real separation between us.

I was never really afraid of death before, but now I am reassured that there is nothing at all to fear. All of us emerged from the great unity, and we all return to it.

And I have been grappling with new ideas, particularly the profound concept of consciousness. I realize now that consciousness is not limited to our brains. It is a shared reality, perhaps an energy field (again, sounding New Age-y). The most mind-blowing idea of all is, what if the universe itself is conscious??! What if it is alive in a way we can hardly conceive of?

Is this what people mean when they speak of God?

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116558
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 54
Published: Sep 27, 2022	Views: 912
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