Citation: Wasted Dreams. "The Maw - Daily Bipolar Cocktail and Wean: An Experience with Aripiprazole, Fluoxetine & Oxcarbazepine (exp116603)". Erowid.org. Sep 27, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116603
The Maw - 2012 Daily Bipolar Cocktail and Wean
All below dose frequency is daily and I consistently dosed daily for the decade.
In 2012, I was 16 years old and a Senior in high school. A neighbor raped me when I was four, my parents split in middle school, so these traumas snowballed into me being a socially isolated, pre-COVID hikikomori (when no one knew that word). I eventually experienced suicidal ideation, but likely as a result of trauma and not a psychotic disorder.
My parents and I, and most people in my country, didn't know what PTSD was until the veteran suicide waves years later. The folks called a guy and we talked for a while and he put me on the Aripiprazole at 5mg in December. By February of 2013, I was on 30mg, a high dose. I slept through most of my semester, intense daily drowsiness, and intrusive, bizarre thoughts. I heard voices screaming racial slurs (the bad one) for the first time. I never heard voices before I was on the 30mg. Between fighting keeping my eyes open but also fighting the imaginary KKK cell that was born in my head, I managed to graduate and get into college.
I failed my first semester. I never got trauma therapy, and I still had the 30mg nightmare. Surprise, I attempted suicide, and did voluntary in patient and then that hospital, and the first guy, added Fluoxetine at 20mg (this stayed the same) and Oxcarbazepine (900mg at first, then 600mg next). I had a cocktail for a bipolar diagnosis.
The next 8 years from 2014 to March of 2022, I call "The Maw." My first guy was my relationship psych and I stayed with him for quarterly reviews. I slowly weaned myself from ultra high, to medium, to low, while graduating college and working high finance with the same, but less intense issues over the decade as we weaned and tapered.
Eventually, the first guy retired and I did a telehealth firm. They told me based on my sex assault as a 4 year old I likely have PTSD and was misdiagnosed, weaned me off in a month and I have been off it all now since March 2022.
I have holes in my memory, people this year have materialized in my life I didnt know existed. I struggle writing my resume. I forgot most of the corporate projects I did and I can't recall most days. I find notes from those years sometimes, and I get confused. I also spent thousands of dollars compulsively eating and gambling. I weigh 310 pounds now and only weighed 170 when I started. I barely remember how this happened.
Now, I am 5 or 6 months off, give or take August/September is today. Normalcy is slowly returning. I now only eat 2 meals a day on average and they're small, I don't gamble and just read books. I am a Zen Buddhist, Thich Nhat Hanh helped my possible PTSD and saved my life. Even if I don't have PTSD, I am finally addressing my rape 23 years ago and beginning to heal my trauma. I took 6 months but I'm probably ~70% functioning as a 27 year old. I am scared I have brain damage, but I don't have tics and I am remember things that happened during a day now. I get scared because memory holes are filling, but I also am happy.
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