Citation: thedeaddrsunshine. "My Gender Dysphoria Went Away: An Experience with MDMA (exp116623)". Erowid.org. Sep 19, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116623
I'm a transgender man and I began taking up use of psychedelic substances in order to help my relationship to myself and my body.
For a brief overview of my substance use, I've been smoking weed daily since 16 and it honestly saved my schooling- shot up from barely passing to full scholarships, and my depression improved significantly. I've tripped on mushrooms probably over 15 times at this point, one LSD experience, a handful of DMT trips, and some dabbling in DXM, opiates, and benzos that left me utterly unfulfilled and uninterested in trying those again.
It was my first time trying MDMA, I was with my boyfriend at our first music festival. We had decided to trip on mushrooms the day before, with MDMA for the second day. We had actually been told it was MDA by the dealer, but the onsite testing at the festival tested back for pure MDMA. The mushroom trip was somewhat challenging, but good, and the festival environment kept us both in high spirits.
Earlier that day, we decided to go swimming in the river. I donít yet have my breasts removed by surgery, so I had decided to try binding them down with kinesiology tape to avoid having to wear a shirt. This didnít work, it was too hot and I was too sweaty, and I began crying for a solid hour in our tent before we pulled ourselves together, I put on a shirt and we went swimming anyways.
We made sure to eat that day, since we had fasted before the mushrooms the day before, and then went back to our tent to crush up the MDMA crystal and put it in a cup of juice for us each. We had .5 g to share between us, so we eyeballed a quarter of that for each of us to start. Approximately 125 mgs. We drank it around dusk since we didnít want to be in the blistering sun and sweating from stimulants. We immediately set out, because we hadnít caught any music sets on the mushroom trip the night before because we got lost in our minds walking around and talking. We were afraid the same thing would happen again.
The MDMA began kicking in decently quickly. Walking around the 200 acre festival site became much more enjoyable and manageable. My boyfriend isnít a big raver, so we sat him down in the hammocks near the stage while I went to dance. He says I moved differently while dancing than I did sober or high on weed. Periodically, I would return to talk with him, whatever friends he had made, and drink some water.
During one of these rest periods, I looked around at the stage, down at myself. And thought ďwhat am I afraid of? Really?Ē
I looked around at the stage, down at myself. And thought ďwhat am I afraid of? Really?Ē
Iíve been on hormone therapy for several years now, so Iíve grown a sizeable amount of facial and body hair. Iíve lost weight and had fat redistributed to the point my breasts are far from recognizable as female.
In a moment, I had flung my shirt off in public for the first time ever in my life. It was so freeing, I could not stop smiling. Every reservation I had held about my body for years was let go. I hadnít had a womanís body in a very long time.
And I was right! This was no drug induced psychosis, the night before my boyfriend and I had passed by a couple of safety volunteers guiding a barechested girl who looked significantly whacked on something away. But this wasnít my result, I ventured back down to the dance stage and danced for the rest of the night with not a single wayward look. I wasnít paranoid in the slightest, I was ecstatic.
We redosed after this, I believe. And left the shirt in our tent, after smoking some weed. I didnít put one on whether I was sober or not for the rest of the weekend. It was a healing experience that Iím very eager to recreate, though the lessons it taught me have persisted. And we donít intend to roll again until next festival season.
Conclusion: I really and truly believe transgender folks seeking relief for persistent gender dysphoria should try MDMA. The way it changed my social game and perspective on myself was incredible.
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