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Love is the Answer
Ayahuasca
by His Holiness
Citation:   His Holiness. "Love is the Answer: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp116640)". Erowid.org. Sep 21, 2022. erowid.org/exp/116640

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
50 ml oral Ayahuasca (tea)
  T+ 0:30 50 ml oral Ayahuasca (tea)
  T+ 1:00 33 ml oral Ayahuasca (tea)


This is a trip report describing my first Ayahuasca trip. It retells of my crazy feelings throughout its course as well as the long-lasting insights and lessons I gained from it, but first I will have to provide some context, for you to properly understand my experience.

About a year ago I (male, 18, virgin) first discovered the magic of psychedelics, trying LSD for the first time. Ever since then I fell in love with it and tripped on many occasions, even making excursions to other drugs (Salvia, etc.). My highest dose, aside from Salvia, was 2 LSD tabs, both of which I had handled well. So I think it fair to call myself an experienced psychonaut. In fact, I was so comfortable tripping on Acid, that even with monthly breaks between trips, a single tab wasnít interesting anymore. The effects while still there, had become too familiar and werenít overwhelming anymore, like they had been back when I had started. Back then one tab had been a serious commitment, putting me out of commission for a whole day, while now the effects were just background noise I could ignore if I wished so.

Now, I think it important to describe the process of taking Ayahuasca. The Ayahuasca was initially brewed by my friend (letís call him NS) at home, basically just cooking the ingredients with concentrated vinegar. As such one might expect the taste to be horrid. However horrid is a massive understatement. It is, literally, the worst thing I have tasted in my life. Literally. And I donít mean to use that term lightly. My body still spasms should I recall the taste. So yeah, taking it can be quite daunting, especially considering the vomiting and diarrhea it induces. The taste also makes re-dosing after vomiting very challenging, as it only gets worse with every shot. Throughout the last year, I had already attempted ayahuasca trips on two occasions. However, both times were a flop. The first time I had puked, losing all the effects immediately and the second time the effects for whatever reason only lasted about five minutes. Both times I had refused to re-dose.

Lastly, Iíve recently become fascinated with the book My Big TOE. For me it is a life-changing book, however, Iím not sure if I can recommend it. Itís like the bible: 90 percent is stupid and uninteresting bullshit with the rest being eye-opening, even enlightening ideas and thoughts. Among its many ideas the book describes our reality, us included, as a virtual reality created by and from a god-like entity (AUM). It tells of thought-space, inhabited by alien entities and the meaning of life Ė improving your quality of consciousness. Your personal quality of consciousness is the size of your ego and fears and your ability to love. The less ego and fears you have and the more love you show, the better. Unconditional love for everything and everyone around you is the goal. This idea of unconditional love to all, I was fascinated with most.

With that out of the way we can now move on to the actual experience.

The trip itself wasnít actually planned. Instead, it had been a spontaneous proposition by NS, when I had come over to his place one day. In the heat of the moment, not wanting to miss such an opportunity, I foolishly agreed. NS got the brew, filtered it, and prepared the two shots for me (he himself, didn't take anything). Drinking them was pure pain. The only reason I was able to down the first and half an hour later the second shot, was probably because I had managed to avoid the smell of it, throughout it all.

Around 30 minutes after the second shot, the first weak effects appeared. A light-headedness and relaxation, vaguely similar to what being tipsy is like embraced me. However accompanying this was a slight headache (maybe the MAOIs acting up with my unplanned diet) and nausea. The nausea was very unpleasant and assuming I would vomit sooner or later anyway, I went to the bathroom, hoping to get it over with. Despite my fears, there was no vomit and after a couple of minutes, leaning over the toilet the nausea started to dissipate, soon vanishing completely. Feeling better, not experiencing any strong effects though, I asked for a third shot, only 33ml though. Despite the ever-worsening taste, I somehow gulped it down and desiring some clean fresh air, we moved outside, onto the roof terrace.

Immediately the effects grew stronger, now bearing a greater resemblance to other psychedelics. The world started distorting to look like Van Goghís paintings. Along with a beautiful sunset, that illuminated the clouds above the city's roofs, bathing them in hues of orange the sight was simply gorgeous. The greatest visuals Iíve ever had.

I also started noticing that parts of my body would ďfall asleepĒ easily, although not in the usual, unpleasant way. Rather, if I didnít move or focus on my leg, I would stop feeling it, it would disappear and stop being a part of my body, just another object laying around, like the chair or my phone.

With some nice music, playing in the background and the ability to ďforgetĒ my body, I decided to try, leave the simulation completely and experience thought-space. Closing my eyes, I drifted away. I was still aware of my body, but I could feel it being an illusion, a part of the virtual reality, we inhabit. There was no body, only consciousness. Floating around in thought-space, I tried to reach out to some entities, but alas my search was met with emptiness. Opening my eyes again, I grabbed my phone and called another friend of mine Ė PL. He, in contrast to NS, had read My Big TOE as well, so I wanted to share and discuss this experience of thought-space with him. NS was missing too much context to understand my trip. What exactly we talked about with PL, I cannot recall.

The next thing I remember was the evening cold. Suddenly noticing the cold penetrating my clothes, I called over NS and hugged him to warm myself. Bliss. The body heat of another person felt so incredibly beautiful and sweet, that I held on to NS. The world was so cold and only another person could warm me up. The body heat was a symbol of closeness, love, and intimacy. These feelings filled me to the brim, overflowing into professions of love to everything and everyone. I told NS I loved him, I told PL I loved him (both male btw.), I loved everything, everyone I knew, my family, my friends even my foes and I loved every aspect of the world. I desperately wanted all others to experience this unparalleled feeling of love. This beauteous sensation. I wanted all my friends to get to know each other because they are all such wonderful people. I wanted them to feel as happy as I was when I spent time with them. I wanted them to learn, grow and develop, to become better and happier people, by meeting one another. Driven by this desire, I called PL over. However, needing some time to get to NSís place, he would arrive only toward the end of the trip.

Then came the climax. All this time, the trip and the feelings of love were getting stronger, so by this point, my memories become somewhat fuzzy. However at some point, while waiting for PL, we moved back inside. There, I lay on the floor rambling away a constant, unstoppable flood of feelings, cuddling the leg of NS.

I wished everyone I knew to be there in this room with me. I wanted to embrace all of them, I wanted to shower them in love.
I wished everyone I knew to be there in this room with me. I wanted to embrace all of them, I wanted to shower them in love.
I wanted them to feel good, to feel loved and appreciated. I wanted everyone to love each other. I wanted them to be there now and to share with me this moment.

There was no time or space. With enough time, any space could be overcome and so with enough patience, time and space were irrelevant. With patience anything you want is possible. Bringing everyone there to me was possible as well. Just a couple of calls and they would be all on the way there. Material concerns do not matter, only love exists, everything else is an illusion. Both time and space are illusions of AUM and so nothing but love matters. Only giving love matters. Love is the answer to all. It is the ultimate goal of life, it is the ultimate solution to everything, it is AUM, it is everything.

Then came sex. I became fascinated with sex. I wasnít actually hard or aroused, but rather I loved the idea of sex. Sex is one of the strongest expressions of love and so to show everyone love, I wanted to embrace and have sex with them. I wanted to fuck all my friends. I wanted to fuck everything. I told NS I wanted to fuck him (we didnít actually fuck though). I fantasized about having sex with everyone else.

In the world around us, I could sense AUMís presence and to show my love for it, I wanted to mate with it as well. I wanted to fuck that car, that house, that chair, everything because the world around us is but an illusion created from AUM.

After some time we went out to get PL. My ramblings didnít stop, I continued profusely confessing my love to my friends and hugging them for that sweet, sweet body heat. When we returned, we sat down to watch some videos and the effects started to wear off. I calmed down. Throughout the experience I had felt so energetic and been so active, I do not know how I didnít collapse from exhaustion afterward. I became sane again, returning to our reality, no longer sensing AUM all around us. I was back. However, the experience had proven so impressive, that the rest of the day and the whole next day, I could only think about the trip and couldnít comprehend how I would ever return to normal life again. I thought, this day would change me so much, that I could never associate with new people again, as they would consider me crazy.

Now I feel normal again. Iíve moved on from this traumatic event.
Now I feel normal again. Iíve moved on from this traumatic event.
However, there are persisting effects. There have been trips, during which I had come to epiphanies that influenced my life, but never before have my eyes been opened so much. Or rather torn open so much it was hard to close them again. I would definitely say, that this was the most life-changing experience in my life.

Before I was exclusively straight (only sexually aroused by women). After this experience, however, I am now seriously contemplating to, not only become bisexual but also have sex with all my friends (after I have my first time), after all, friends-with-benefits are nothing new. So what if I have benefits with all of my friends?

Further, I am now more than ever convinced that love is the answer. I had already been thinking that was the case, but the trip showed me just how much that is true. There is nothing except love that matters and so I have to show as much unconditional love to the people I know as I can. I have to be forgiving, patient, and kind. I have to give, without wanting anything in return. Never have I resonated with this message so strongly before and pursued it in day-to-day life as much.

Lastly, I have decided to take a break from drugs for a while. Iíve realized that psychedelics are a force to be reckoned with and should be used with caution and respect. Be responsible.

Exp Year: 2022ExpID: 116640
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Sep 21, 2022Views: 211
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Ayahuasca (8) : Sex Discussion (14), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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