DOSE:

400 ug

oral

LSD

(blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

65 kg

Here it goes, the story of my voyage from the depths of hell to meeting myself (the Absolute).

A few months ago I did 400ug of LSD. At that point I had about 10-12 trips under my belt, but never going further than 200ug or 2.5g of Golden Teachers. I thought I was ready to go deeper. In hindsight, I was still very much a newbie psychonaut and extremely reckless with my set and setting. This happened in my house with friends over. There were 6 of us, 3 of us including myself took LSD but the others only took 200ug. All close friends (extremely inexperienced sitters) except a girl I didn't know well nor trusted.

I was in a decent state of mind before the trip (pretty neutral), but after taking the tabs, as usual, I felt very anxious waiting for the onset. Then it came after about 20 minutes. My anxiety spiked, as it was extremely intense. The sober guys were loudly playing the PlayStation, yelling at the TV while playing Fifa and 2 of them started cooking in my kitchen. They made a mess and even managed to melt the lid of my pan on the kitchen stove. Funnily enough I was the one who noticed this while on a very challenging come up phase, already tripping balls. I saw the lid burning on the stove and asked if this was normal, as in that state I couldn't tell, yet I felt it to be wrong on some level.

This was the beginning of my paranoia (no shit). I felt an overwhelming sense of impending doom, like I fucked up on a massive scale for some reason and that I was about to be punished. People still yelling at the TV, I remember thinking that all I needed was a quiet, relaxed, controlled environment to calm down and I was getting the exact opposite. So I kept getting more and more anxious until I started panicking as I couldn't handle it any longer.

This is where psychosis began. I remember hearing footsteps on the building stairs, then an ambulance siren in the street, and I was convinced that the police was about to arrest us. I kept repeating "I did nothing wrong, I am a good person, why is this happening". At this point I was still far away from the peak. While coming up further, my memories get fuzzier and far in between, so I am mixing in what my friends told me happened.

I remember feeling the deepest terror I've ever experienced, apparently I kept screaming the same phrase, something along the lines of "we are all one thing, there are no consequences". As I was screaming loudly and it was pretty late at night, this finally got my friends concerned and they tried talking to me, but I was totally out of it. For a brief moment I even remember getting violent, I slapped a friend while he was trying to take me from the living room to my bedroom while screaming that there are no consequences to anything.

They made me lie on my bed while talking to me. I heard their voices, telling me to stop screaming and trying to reason with me. Pretty soon I closed my eyes. This is where the real show began. It could only start with my death. I reached a point of existential culmination, like every single moment that I ever experienced was in service of getting me right here, right now. I thrashed, and fought, and screamed for my life. I didn't want to face death. But it was inevitable, I couldn't control it, there was nothing I could do to stop it. And finally, I embraced it. For the first time, I truly surrendered. It was like my whole life was this amazing movie and THIS was the grand finale. So I might as well sit back and enjoy it.

As you can probably tell, this was the turning point. Death turned out to be nothing like what I imagined. I jumped planes of existence. Time and space became meaningless. My friends' voices morphed into what I can only describe as voices of other entities that inhabited that particular plane of existence, one that I was just catapulted into. These voices, they were most definitely NOT part of my identity. They felt human but at the same time God-like. I wasn't even the center of attention. It's like they were chilling in this dimension and they just saw me enter screaming and panicking for no reason. So they talked to each other making fun of me.

Not in a loving way, not in an concerned way, it was like "look at this idiot, what the fuck are you yelling for? Wake up". I started explaining why and what I was feeling, and they proceeded to completely demolish everything I said. Through simple, straight-forward language they conveyed the ultimate Truth of who/what I was and what was happening to me. Actually, it was more like they were trying to remind me of things I already knew but somehow forgot. They revealed the cosmic joke to me.

All my fear vanished, I apologized to them for being so fucking stupid and obnoxious. Then I started exploring this new dimension. All the secrets of the universe, of consciousness were revealed to me in an ecstatic, never ending orgasm of Eternity.

Turns out I was always "IT", everything has always been me and I orchestrated all this drama just to keep myself entertained forever. What a fucking legend. Out of love for myself, I projected Myself infinite times in an infinite multiplicity of Being in infinite dimensions just to experience this orgasmic, blissful loop of reunification with myself for all of Eternity. I make myself forget so I can remember. It's all a fucking joke, and you are the punchline. I am the punchline. If this endless futile searching of myself ends, so does the universe. But why would I do that? It's fun. And the more you suffer, the more you go through unimaginable pain and loss the funnier it gets. Isn't that genius?

Going back to the trip report, I also went beyond God Consciousness to shortly grasp Nothingness (same thing, but even deeper). So, after feeling like all the secrets of Existence were finally cracked open, I remember the last thought that appeared in that state. "What now?". It felt like I finished the game and found myself with nothing to do anymore.

Immediately after thinking that, I was catapulted back into my body. In the short span of a few minutes I forgot EVERYTHING. It actually baffles me how fast my egoic barriers came roaring back and took control of my consciousness. It took me months of contemplation to even begin to remember a small part of this experience. In fact, this is probably less than 10%, but it's the best I could do.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 116814
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Dec 5, 2022	Views: 419
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