DOSE:

125 mg

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

I am writing this report literally 24 years after the experience. I was 19 years old and living in Israel at the time. What was so interesting about this part of my life was that I was a NYC gay teenager trying to get back in touch with my Jewish faith. My parents raised me conservative Jewish and as a dual citizen of America and Israel, I felt as if it was the perfect time to explore my relationship with God. All it took was a night at a club called HaOman 17 to make me forget my problems and defense mechanisms by ingesting a pill that I had experienced before in High School (1995) but not at this effect. Something about being in Jerusalem at this pivotal point in my life and understanding what it meant to be a Gay Man nearing Y2K changed the effect of the ecstasy pill.

I had taken it in the bathroom of the club and went to meet my friends. After some small talk and the bass of the music intensifying, a girl walked over to me and seemingly knew that I was feeling the beginning stages of the roll at 30 minutes. She told me how envious she was of me and I blurted out that if she only knew my life she wouldn’t feel this way. She smiled and gave me a cigarette (remember….late 90s we could still smoke inside clubs) and I watched the smoke turn into the most beautiful cascade of colors against the strobe lights. I allowed my eyes to roll to the back of my head with a permagrin and for the rest of the night muttered to myself that all is well, I am loved and to just be myself. For a good 4 hours my eyes remained in the back of my skull and I swallowed my tongue ring from the amount of jaw clenching and biting. A girl walked by and offered her belly ring but thankfully I refused the kind gesture.

By around 4am that morning, I began to come down and realize that everything that I had been telling myself was as if my mother had been with me at the club and whispering these things in my ear. The only person who ever had any doubt (due to growing up in the homophobic 80s-90s) was me. I had all the tools I needed to live a happy and healthy life. That loving voice that came from me was as if I had become an infant and my mother cradled me to sleep. It was an evening that I had become a baby again and realized all the criticism and harsh words uttered throughout my life was not MY problem. It was projection from others. I left the club not having a Come to God moment I was seeking, but realizing I had the power all along to accept and love myself.

Exp Year: 1999	ExpID: 116861
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Dec 24, 2022	Views: 290
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MDMA (3) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Club / Bar (25)