Citation: minimcmanno. "Deja Vu Loops on Itself to Eternity: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (10x extract) (exp116976)". Erowid.org. Feb 27, 2023. erowid.org/exp/116976
Sam opens up the hatch of the 4 Runner and pulls out the bong. He fills the bowl with 10X extract of Salvia. He sits on the passenger side of the tailgate facing out and east. I sit to his right also facing east. He holds the bong for me and lights it. I take the first hit and hold it in for 15 seconds and feel nothing. I exhale. I ask for a second hit. Sam holds up the bong and lights it again. As I hit the top of my inhale I hear Sam say: “You’re gonna hold it in and...”
“You’re gonna hold it in and...” “You’re gonna hold it in and...” “You’re gonna hold it in and...” “You’re gonna hold it in and...” “You’re gonna hold it in and...”
Each time it looped, the half finished sentence repeated faster and faster, each time at a higher pitch. Right when this loop started, the left side of my vision mirrored to my right and an overwhelming sense of pressure formed on my body. I stared straight out east. So I ended up with a peripheral view of Sam on both my left and right. Each time the sentence repeated, Sam’s face became more distorted. The individual parts of his face formed lines that extended to infinity. Sam lip, eyebrow, hair, ear, and eyes all became a separate streak of color that extended up and down with no end. Each repetition these lines pulsated and became closer to the center of my vision. I became confused at what was happening so I attempted to move my head around. But the peripheral lines of Sam remained in the same part of my vision as though I was in a gyroscope. My head was moving but my vision remained the same.
(looping continues) Suddenly I noticed that I could no longer see the desert in front of me. Instead, everything inside of the infinite and enclosing Sam lines became pure white. “You’re gonna hold it in and...”“You’re gonna hold it in and...”“You’re gonna hold it in and...”“You’re gonna hold it in and...” Each time the pulsating lines of Sam came closer to the center. At this point the voice became so high pitched that it turned to a high pitch ring resembling that of ear ringing or a hearing test where the administrator would play a high pitch tone in your ear. The peripheral lines began enclosing into a circular shape to form a white circle. The white circle became smaller and smaller until eventually the lines disappeared and there was only a white circle accompanied by the high pitch ringing. The rest of my vision had disappeared at this point.
Suddenly the pressure on my body pushed me through the white circle and I entered the white void. Everything was white and I was white and there was nothing else. I was one with white void. At this point I panicked because my sense of time disappeared. I didn’t know how long I would remain in this void or if I would ever escape it. Out of panic I tried very hard to reground myself. I fought back against the ego dissolution. Suddenly I noticed a pie slice of what I suspected was reality began to show through. The center point of the pie was the center of the trailer hitch on Sam’s 4 Runner. The slice of reality began turning around the tow hitch like a minute hand moving on a clock; getting larger and larger at a steady pace. The harder I tried to focus, the faster the pie filled out until finally my vision returned.
Right as the reality pie became whole I stood up, but it didn’t feel like I made the decision to stand up. In fact from here and for the next hour, nothing that I did felt like my decision. Rather I felt like my physical body had become a slave to my subconscious which was controlling my actions.
I felt like my physical body had become a slave to my subconscious which was controlling my actions.
But I was conscious of this happening which also caused a panic. I wondered if I would ever feel like I was in control of my own body again or if every decision I made would be predetermined 5 seconds ahead of time for the remainder of my life. Anyways: I stand up. I begin walking away from the 4 Runner directly east. I walk about 15 feet out and turn around. I see myself sitting next to Sam on the back of the 4 Runner with Sam holding the bong. I realized that I had exited my body and was watching myself from the third person. I then realized that I was re-entering the white void. A hallway with white walls and ceiling and floor running west to east surrounded me as I looked back at myself and Sam. The void collapsed on me and sucked me back onto the tailgate. I hear it again: “You’re gonna hold it in and...” but this time I could somewhat clearly identify my surroundings and Sam saying it.
Just like I felt as I had already done, I stood up and walked 15 feet out from the 4 Runner. This time I wasn’t enclosed by the void. But I still felt an internal lag. I began re-experiencing everything back to this point every time I did something. Sam asked me “are you good?” When I responded “yeah”, I went back to “You’re gonna hold it in and...” and re-lived walking out the 15 feet and everything up to that point. Every time my subconscious made me walk a few steps, I would re-live the moments prior to it before consciously processing that I had moved the few steps. However, these loops became exponentially further apart as time progressed. The best way to describe the feeling would be rubber banding in a video game with super low ping. While in the long run time progressed in the forward direction, in the immediate I was jumping back and forth in time. Picture links of a chain. Each link gets exponentially longer as you go down the chain. Now picture that these circular links are consciousness looping in a circle. In order to move down the chain (move forward in time) I must run though the link of the chain in a loop before progressing to the next link. I quickly figured out that the less things I did or said, the less I would have to process in each loop. So I became dead quiet and moved around very little. Eventually over the course of the next 45 minutes these links became so spread apart that the looping finally ceased.
Before we left, I remember Sam showing me a couple ants trying to pick up crumbs of Ritz crackers. I squatted down to look at them and found myself becoming ant size and watching the ants struggle up close. I saw the ants in super detail, recognizing every part of their faces including their pincers and eyes and everything. Right before we drove back I remember eating from the bag of Gardettos. It was the weirdest sensation. I could feel the vibration of my chewing reverberating through my head. It was way more amplified than normal. And it felt like I was chewing forever.
My brain was in a fog for days after this. Nothing felt real and I constantly questioned if I was still tripping. The feeling you get when you get off a treadmill after a long time is how I felt for about a week after. Just slightly lagged out. Absolutely terrifying and I would never do it again.
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