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Fear and a Sincere Hope That This Would Not Be Hellish
Citation:   Steve E.. "Fear and a Sincere Hope That This Would Not Be Hellish: An Experience with Psilocybin (exp116993)". Jan 19, 2023.

45 mg oral Psilocybin
[Report originally appeared on Psymposia's site, submitted separately to Erowid.]

Part 2 of 3-part series on one participant’s experience in the Pharmacokinetics of Psilocybin in Normal Adult Volunteers study at the University of Wisconsin.

Part 2 | This time my dose was 45 mg of pure psilocybin. I took it and waited for the show to begin. There was fear and a sincere hope that this experience would not be as hellish.

Prior to dose number two, I had a meeting with my guides Karen and Dan. They asked the standard:

“How have you been?” “I feel like I am in a cage,” I said. “Tell us more,” they replied.

I always appreciated Dan and Karen’s appreciation for my misery. They had me close my eyes, breathe deeply, and go inward.

“What do you see?” asked Karen.

“I see a large wooden cage with metal bands suspended from a ceiling. I am inside, and there are small slots on each of the four sides. I’m being attacked from all four sides. I have a spear, and I am constantly going from one slot to the next, fending off the next attack,” I said.

“Where is the door? Can you get out?” Dan asked. “There is no exit. There is no way out…” I said.

It was rather depressing to feel that.

“During your journey tomorrow, we will revisit your cage and maybe you can hand the spears to me,” Dan suggested.

It sounded like a great idea to lay down my weapons. I was slightly nervous about going back into the cage. The previous session was the most horrendous experience of my life, but I had 100 percent trust in the medicine and the guiding of Dan and Karen. I also trusted my inner knowing and that I was in the study for a reason.

The next day the standard protocol applied. I checked in and was escorted to room 1010. This time my dose was 45 mg of pure psilocybin. I took it and waited for the show to begin. There was fear and a sincere hope that this experience would not be as hellish.

The come-on was quick once again. This time it started with some colorful visuals. This was promising, but the beginning of the journey was chaotic. Hundreds of images were flashing by, though none seemed to make sense. I could feel edges of panic and anxiety, but I continued to breathe through it all.

At one point my cage appeared, three-dimensional and very colorful. It was twirling around and spinning. I realized I was outside the cage. I was just witnessing it. The cage was actually quite beautiful. It was no longer the dark, wooden, metal megalith of despair. I was watching it and had the feeling, “I no longer need you.” Then it exploded into millions of bits of color.

“Where are you?” my guides asked me. “I was at my cage,” I said.

“Do you want to hand me your spear?” Dan asked. I replied back, “My cage exploded.”

There was some levity and much relief. The relief was not long-lasting though. Soon, I was hit with waves of uncomfortableness. My body hurt. I felt anxious. I slid down to the floor and moaned.

“Could someone please massage my back? I’m so sore,” I pleaded. “Not now,” Dan said. “Be with your experience.”

I could feel my desire to distract myself from my uncomfortableness, a major theme of my life.

What followed was a classic two-hour session of “looping.” Looping is being stuck in a continual pattern of repetitive behavior or thought. It was very unpleasant and very disconcerting. I was sitting on the floor by Dan and Karen. I was stressed and panicky.

“Why do I keep doing this to myself?” I asked.

I could see how I was creating the discomfort and anxiety. I was slumped over breathing shallow, then I would sit up, breathe, and say, “I’m doing this. I am creating this. It’s so crazy. I need to stop.” Then I would repeat this sequence over and over and over again.

“Why I am doing this? Why do I keep doing this?” I asked Karen. “You’re in a thought loop. We are just here,” she reassured me.

About halfway through this looping, four blocks of energy appeared around my shoulders. There were two on my front, and two on my back. When I slumped over, the energy stopped. When I sat up and breathed, the energy would start moving again.

After two hours of this, I finally “got it.” Sit up and breathe. Simple. But it seemed like I had to take the hard route to figure this out.

I was now about four hours in and was feeling somewhat “sane.” My body felt sore, and I asked if I could receive bodywork at this point. I was very pleased to hear “yes.”

What followed was subtle bliss. Karen spent about 20 minutes sitting behind me and gently and slowly moving my head around. Each movement was a different note of energetic frequency. It was very comforting and soothing. Then both Dan and Karen worked on me as I was lying down—total receiving in an altered stated.

After what felt like an hour into the bodywork, a small voice came out: “I feel like I need to cry.”

Soft tears began to fall, and then the dam broke. What followed was the most intense emotional purge of my life. Never have I experienced anything like the tidal wave of grief, anger, rage, tears, and sobbing that flowed through me. This grief was accompanied by yelling, screaming, and writhing.

Voices came out: “I was just a little fucking kid! You fucking monster! How could you do this to a little fucking kid! I just want a normal fucking father! I just wanted a normal fucking childhood! A normal fucking life! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUUUUUCCKKK…” I screamed.

This rage, tears, and sadness were all directed at my father and brother. I thought I had addressed many of these issues previously, but apparently not.

It is amazing what we can store in our bodies and psyches. It’s all in there, and it wants nothing more than to be released. I felt a bizarre physical sensation of snot dripping down into my sinuses. This was followed by several epic nose blows. It felt great, like a sinus colonic.

Having an emotional catharsis under the influence of psilocybin has to be one of the more profound experiences that someone can go through. In the heightened state of psilocybin, everything is amplified.

The session ended with me curled up in the fetal position. I felt spent. I was better on some levels, but experienced a persistent, low-level sadness in my soul and body.

At one point I sat up and Dan and Karen were sitting on either side of me. I could feel their love. But I could feel my resistance to letting it in. I felt guarded and closed.

I knew there was more work to be done.

Continue reading about concluding Dose #3

Exp Year: 2016ExpID: 116993
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 52
Published: Jan 19, 2023Views: 583
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Psilocybin (239) : Therapeutic Session / Clinic (55), Multi-Day Experience (13), General (1)

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