DOSE:	100 mg	oral	MDMA
			Melatonin

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

Life, Death and MDMA

Preamble:

Most psychedelic experiences usually finish within 12-24 hours unless you’re doing something with a silly long duration like DOB (2,5-dimethoxy-4-bromoamphetamine). This provides useful insight into singular MDMA experiences; however, it is also extremely important to evaluate the character of MDMA (and other psychedelics) over a longer period of time, especially when using them to overcome upsetting or distressing events that may occur in your life.

This post is motivated in a similar manner to other trip reports however I will be comparing two 100mg MDMA experiences that happened in very close proximity to each other with wildly different results. Greater emphasis will be placed on the second experience since it occurred right after a tragic event in my life. The first experience will mostly just be used as a comparison for the second experience.

Some previous experiences: (for context)

By this point, before the story begins, the author is somewhat experienced and has tried MDMA three times, all previous experiences were highly enjoyable although the compounds were not tested properly so there is no telling what compound it was (never do this!!!).

I have a suspicion the pills I took were cut with amphetamine leading to them having a more speedy feeling compared to the MDMA I took later on. The pills were shaped like an orange light bulb and consumed in half as a harm reduction measure since the dosage was not known (never do this!!!). I used to live close to Holland and had heard all kinds of stories regarding crazy strong 200-300mg Dutch Xtsy pills so I didn’t want to risk it.

The first two experiences were done with just straight MDMA while the third trip was my most intense psychedelic experience ever doing a candy flip using a monstrous unspecified dose of 2C-B, MDMA and a homemade cannabutter Tetrahydrocannabinol extract (which tasted disgusting btw).

TLDR: I was so high it felt like I was being blasted through a kaleidoscopic tunnel for around 12 hours. Despite lying in bed, the bodily sensation felt like a mixture between flying, being suspended weightlessly by water and your body warping forwards into space.

After the experience was over, I realised that I seemingly have a stupidly high tolerance to hallucination, most of the trip was basic in terms of geometry. The visuals consisted of mostly tracers, colour distortion and simple wavelike patterns. The only very strange thing happened right as the trip was about to end. By this point the evening had turned into morning and I had to get up to use the washroom.

In my state of total exhaustion I began to hallucinate that I was seeing an alien face down the corridor as I walked towards the washroom (and if you’re wondering, no, believe it or not, I did not get kidnapped and operated on by aliens). Nevertheless, it was an interesting observation as to the origin of the colloquially known “Grey” aliens. The hallucination I experienced was identical to artistic depictions that I have seen.

Enough context for now… Onto the main story:

The tale begins approximately a month before this post was written. Me and a few of our friends from university are on our way to see another friend that we will call “E” for now. 2 of our friends are planning on doing MDMA a week later so they choose not to join us. This left just me and “E” rolling that evening. “E” was kind enough to provide the MDMA which was first tested using Simon’s reagent, yielding the desired blue colour, and then dosed using a top loading balance. This time the MDMA was in a white crystalline form and visually looked clean with minor brown/purple discolouration from impurities.

I’m still quite inexperience with MDMA and it tends to give me come up anxiety so I decided to split the 100mg dose into an initial 70mg dose and 30mg re-dose. Recently I had just lost my job and I was beginning to enter a state of depression so the goal was just to have fun and take my mind off of things for a while. I wasn’t looking to get anything specific out of the roll.

We chatted as a group, listened to some music and played some games on the Switch. Overall, it was a great time. The highlights of the roll included consuming fruity lollypops. They tasted amazing! Sweet things in particular taste very appealing when I roll despite MDMA reducing appetite overall. It also likely helped with any bruxism (teeth grinding) however we also took a load of vitamins, mineral ions and the antioxidant alpha-lipoic acid to prevent this.

The remainder of the evening was spent discussing the various syntheses of MDMA with “E” since we both have an interest in clandestine chemistry. Using a liquid chalk marker I drew a giant reaction map on the window starting from Piperonal forming PMK glycidate using the Darzen condensation which then undergoes a truly epic rearrangement to yield P2P. The night ends in good spirits and I am able to fall asleep with the help of 5-methoxy-N-acetyltryptamine (Melatonin) supplements which I take regularly to improve my sleeping habits.

A week or so later I receive news from my family that one of my relatives has passed away which leaves me in a severely depressed state for around 2 weeks. At this moment in time I don’t realise it yet but I’m starting to experience the first signs of depersonalization due to the extreme stress I had been feeling after losing my job and the death of my family member. This will become important later.

It was an extremely rare coincidence for me to trip right before this all occurred. I doubt this has happened to many people and even fewer have likely reported about it.

No quantity of drugs can ever bring back the people you love, the MDMA did not magically get rid of the sadness I felt, however, I will say this, if you look at the 5 stages of grief, I feel like my MDMA experience allowed me to fast track the first 4 stages and move onto the acceptance phase a lot quicker. Something that would otherwise have been a lot harder to do.

Despite the extreme usefulness of the first MDMA experience by the end of the second week my mental condition is deteriorating and I decide that I can’t handle the pain alone anymore so I decide to try my next MDMA experience in an attempt to overcome my adversity. Ideally, I would have spaced them out more but honestly I was suffering so much that I don’t think I cared about potential neurotoxic effects in that moment. The second roll was also conducted alone as I wanted some alone time to do some thinking for myself. As much as I appreciate tripping with other people now was not the time.

Initially, I think about doing another candy flip, this time using 1-propionyl lysergic acid-n,n-diethylamide (1P-LSD), but I chose to leave the tab for another time since I didn’t think my mental state could handle a candy flip in that moment. This was absolutely the correct decision to make. Shit would have gone seriously wrong had I taken both at the same time or even half a tab for that matter.

This time I decide to not split the dose and just take the entire 100mg all in one go. The come up was extremely intense and honestly not entirely pleasant. I usually listen to music on MDMA however this time it just proved to be an irritating distraction from whatever was going on in my mind. Clearly my mind was preoccupied elsewhere. I attribute this to the effects of depersonalization that I was experiencing. The MDMA definitely potentiated the feeling of depersonalization almost to the point that I felt like a young child again. It was a very bizarre experience. Of note, the MDMA seemingly decreases my involuntary eye movements which helps with my attention deficit disorder (ADHD) by allowing me to focus on one target for longer.

Although MDMA is usually overwhelmingly positive, serotonergic compounds tend to amplify your original state which in my case was already quite negative before going into the experience. I rapidly became extremely sweaty and cold. Even a blanket couldn’t fix the issue, so I decided to switch to the space heater instead. Total life saver! I felt much better after toasting up for a bit.

Once my body temperature was under control, I was nearing the peak and getting a bit lonely. I felt this overwhelming urge to tell someone about the grief I was experiencing. Thankfully my roommate came home at just the right time so I was able to speak to someone about it. It felt amazing getting my thoughts off my chest!

This experience has made me realise the importance of combining MDMA with speech therapy if you are looking for a therapeutic benefit. MDMA makes it feel like your guard is lowered so it can leave you in a state that makes you feel very vulnerable without someone else to help probe the contents of your mind.

I felt neutral/normal on the comedown. Which considering the previous two weeks had been hell it wasn’t a bad outcome. Sleep was virtually impossible even with the aid of Melatonin. Most likely that was my fault for taking the MDMA too late in the day.

Now the day after I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel more confident in myself to maintain a positive attitude and in some sense, I feel “satiated” or comfortable with my existence. Just a few days ago this would have seemed impossible.

This goes to show that even a bad experience can have a good outcome. Sometimes the hardest trips are the most important ones for you to get through. Through the struggle you will come out the other side a stronger person.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117166
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Oct 14, 2024	Views: 17
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MDMA (3) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Difficult Experiences (5), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Various (28)