DOSE:	220 ug	oral	LSD	(blotter / tab)
	Balloon	inhaled	Nitrous Oxide
		inhaled	Cannabis	(device)
	Balloon	inhaled	Nitrous Oxide

BODY WEIGHT:

178 lb

It occurred to me that many people have holy and sacred days due to their religion and that something similar was lacking in my life. I decided that going forward bicycle day would be my sacred day so I took the 19th and 20th off from work and quit smoking weed two weeks before hand in preparation. I wanted to be as clear as possible for the day. I had been having a lot of difficulty sleeping the two weeks leading up to bicycle day probably averaging 5 hours a night at most. I also have been struggling with benzodiazepine use and very recently found a doctor willing to help me taper off which is a big win for me, I had been seeking treatment for quite a long while despite being on such a low dose (.5mg in the evenings).

The morning of the trip I had not slept well again. I woke up exhausted and a bit sore from the previous days workout but nothing serious. I had a decent breakfast at 830 followed by a quick chat with a friend and then a 40 minute meditation sit. The sit was full of resistance, the mind trying to get me to fidget and end it early, a common theme the past few weeks. I finished the full sit at the bell and contemplated taking a lower LSD dose. The tabs I have were advertised as 220ug DS3.0. I had split one of these with my wife for her first trip and they are indeed potent. For more than a moment I tried to talk myself into taking a lower dose. I texted this thought to my wife who said I should take the whole tab and I agreed. I have had experience with higher doses so I figured I know what I'm in for. I set aside some Klonopin in case things went sideways as I was tripping alone. I also prepared and set aside a weed vape cart, some no2 and then a DMT vape I mixed myself in case I wanted to go that far.

I took the tab at 10:35am and went for a walk to the nearby park. The walk was nice with trees and flowers coming into bloom. Although it was a bit chilly at first the brisk walk warmed me up. The come up was intense and fast, I popped like a firecracker with a zest for life like never before. I felt a maniacal energy and thankfully I was alone in the little wooded section I was on because I was laughing like a deranged lunatic. I scream "Yes! So much yes!!!" The energy was intense and I let it flow through my body unadulterated, screaming, laughing, jumping and dancing all around the path. The visuals were intense, I stopped to look at a rock that caught my attention. It looked like it was changing it's color and sheen like an octopus, pulsing textures and a shine like oil spilled in water. Amazed, I laughed at it's absurdity and suddenly at the absurdity of everything. I let the energy run it course, taking a few laps on the short trail in the small wooded park.

When I started leveling out, I felt myself crashing from the insane high and decided I should head home and flop on the bed. The body intoxication is strong now and I find it difficult to walk straight but I make it home fine. I get through the door and immediately peel off all the sweaty clothing, unplug headphones and let the music continue playing over a speaker.

It's noon now and I'm in the full swing of it. I lay on the bed and try to allow myself to relax. I have some success. The body high is strong and I feel the exhaustion from the poor night's sleep set in. I can't get comfortable and I restlessly toss and turn, in my mind thinking what do I do now? I try to do some box breathing as I can sense unease setting in. I can't seem to do it right, forgetting what part of the breath cycle I'm in. I give up on that and simply follow the breath.

At a certain point in the breath cycle I can feel a vibration at my core, somewhere in my chest. It feels as though a hand held massager is flicking on and off at certain points when I breath in and out. My mind reels at this and tells me to take the Klonopin. I decide I will do a guided yoga nidra/ non sleep deep rest meditation first. If that doesn't resolve it, then I can consider the Klonopin again. I follow the meditation which I have done countless times before. My mind, already familiar with the routine, slowly calms as I allow myself to place awareness in the body. I gently relax the vibration away until it is so very slight that I can barely feel it. It does not completely go away however and there is some part of me still resisting. 30 minutes later and I feel much better though. Everything is nice and relaxed, calm and peaceful. I bask in the warm glow of the LSD and puddle away, listening to the music in a beautiful flow state.

I decide I'll do a no2 balloon. I associate no2 very strongly with my best friend who lives a few hours away. I love this man more than I could ever explain. Doing the balloon brings up thoughts of him, I close my eyes and my visuals turn into what is a shallow facsimile of the DMT waiting room. I feel a bolt of love pierce through me like lightning, I cry out his name and weep violently but it feels incredible. I am instantly brought back to a moment from last September when I experienced that same intensity of emotion and love for my wife while on a 10 day meditation retreat. I lay there sobbing, grateful I can feel so much love.

A while later, I couldn't say how long, I recollect myself, lay back and relax. Wow. I feel pretty good now, it's about 2 or 2:30pm and I decide I'll have a little bit of THC. I take a cautious hit off the vape pen as I've been on a tolerance break but a few minutes later I feel the mellow THC buzz softening up my edges, nice. I close my eyes seeing the DMT waiting room-esque visuals again. Today it feels/ looks like I/ my ego is banging against the "walls" of the cube/ room. I interpret the "room" I'm imagine as what I feel reality is, I can sense my ego trying to control it as futile as that seems. At some points I'm mentally banging like an ape on the inside of said cube and other times I'm banging on it from the outside. I have a bit more weed vape and mellow out further. This is great, I think to myself, so I go ahead and take a deeper pull on the vape and go back to relaxing. THC can be harsh mistress towards me and I never know what she will send. This time she sent intense body high.

I can feel the tingling everywhere from her attaching to receptors all over my body. My skin feels almost as though it's burning and my headspace takes on a harshness I wasn't prepared for. It feels like I'm coming up all over again. I lay back and say to myself 'ok, this is what you're feeling and you have to accept it.' I allow the tingling/burning sensation to saturated my awareness, noticing how it changes, where it's borders are and every tiny different aspect of it. In doing so all sensory input became flat and static, separate from me. But it requires a constant effort and I start to find it tiring.

I stand up and pace around. I'm trapped, trapped in this headspace and the easy way out is a pill. I walk over to a mirror to look at myself but my vision is too gone, my face undulates and melts like oil. Now extreme fear comes up. I do another balloon and have a hallucination that my wife is knocking on the door, I run over to open it, laughing raucously only to find no one on the other side.

I go back to lay down and the intense fear returns. I finally acknowledge that fear is present and accept that this is what I'm feeling now. It seems radical acceptance of my mental state is the lesson from LSD today. My wife stops by at 3:30ish, she had mentioned she would be coming by between work and gym. She asks how things are going and I tell her I'm in absolute hell. She tells me to just relax and breathe through it.

I find that I am having difficulty accepting that I am existing with reality or existing with myself. I guess another way to say it is that I was in my own way. She leaves for the gym and I again contemplate taking the Klonopin but remind myself this will all be over soon anyway and why waste the opportunity when I'll be fine regardless.

I lay back down and do another 30 minutes of body scanning. Upon finishing it I feel reborn. A weight is lifted off my chest and I feel a calmness unlike any other I've experienced. I feel free and light and hungry. It had been at least 6 hours since dropping and the peak has passed. I get my best friend who I call brother on the phone and we talk out everything that happened. I eat some dark chocolate, cherries and grapes. The taste is sublime and whets my appetite for more substantial food. I make a turkey, avocado, tomato, cheese and mustard sandwich which I eat ravenously. My buddy laughs at me eating like an animal on the video call.

We joke about reality "being mean to me" and how my inner self tried to throw a tantrum. The comedown from this trip is the most peaceful I've ever had. I felt relaxed and no bodily tension like I usually do. I talked to my wife about what I learned about myself, my will power and how setting a strong intention to have a full experience paid off. I have grown in a way I did not expect. The complete acceptance of my mental state and being okay with it has been deeply internalized along with the strong insight of impermanence I had on retreat.

It's the next day now and one thing I noticed that has changed is the intense fear and anxiety I used to feel when thinking about doing DMT is gone. Owning all the feelings, fears and suffering yesterday has shown me that there is no permanence to any mental state and there is nothing to fear or anticipate.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117216
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 39
Published: Oct 25, 2023	Views: 16
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LSD (2), Nitrous Oxide (40), Cannabis (1), Meditation (128) : General (1), Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Glowing Experiences (4), Nature / Outdoors (23), Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Various (28)