DOSE:

repeated

oral

MDMA

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

98 kg

I'm a 29 years old male weighting around 100 kilos, and an experienced drug user started using substances more than 10 years ago. I tried almost every class of substances since then: weed, amphetamine, meth, synthetic cannabinoids, various RC crystals, mushrooms, LSD, brugmansia (on two occasions, both went pretty badly, the second time in the ER), solvents (gasoline and lighter fluid a few times), maybe others I can't recall now, and the one I want to talk about: MDMA. I'm also a daily smoker of weed (replaced regular cigarettes with 5-10 joints a day from the last 1-2 years on), but I have not touched other substances other than a really few occasions of amphetamine and MDMA use in parties since the last ~5 years.

First of all, I'm writing this report in order to describe the effects of prolonged, heavy use of MDMA, and not the actual effects of the high. I'm still around the third day after stopping a long binge, and I still fell very noticeable body sensations and sudden headspace changes occasionally while writing this report.

MDMA always had a special place in my heart from my very first experience. I was in a friend's apartment with 10+ people in a house party, when one asked if I wanted to try it. I said of course and swallowed a pellet, and at the 45 minute mark I felt so overwhelmed by the feelings that I went to the toilet to throw up. I can see a half pellet in puke, I flushed and went back. After that, the euphoria hit me hard, and we talked hours and danced and just enjoyed ourselves till the morning. I was around ~19-20 years old at that time, so it was about 10 years ago. I still think MDMA is a beautiful (or even magical) substance, but I since learned that you must respect it even if it's considered pretty "safe". I think it is, if you do it right. I don't want to go into much details here, as it was just the typical MDMA high you can read plenty of articles about. I was a very depressed and irresponsible teen back then, abused a lot of drugs, but in the last 10 years I learned how to use different substances for different purposes responsibly. Or so I thought...

So skip those 10 years... I have built a good living out of software development, I have a wife, two children, so basically everything is fine with my life. My wife also tolerates my everyday weed use (in fact I can't really get high because of the tolerance, or for just about 10-20 minutes when I get a different strain), and also my occasional encounter with other uppers (like a good pill or some speed on a drum & bass party).

We wanted to go out at new years eve to a D&B/dubstep party, so we can both use E and enjoy ourselves for the first for a long time. My wife was a bit overwhelmed by the constant parenting of the two children at that time, and she did not use any substances - even alcohol or tobacco - from the time when we come up with the idea of the first children, through pregnancy and breastfeeding of both, so the last joint she smoked with me was around 5 years ago. She also tried E with me once, in a similar setting and we agree that it was one of our greatest experiences of all time. We felt amazing, talked a lot, and strengthened the invisible string between us two so we can now hold a beautiful family.

Fortunately (or not, you can decide later), I just become friends with a young guy in the neighborhood who can get me good quality pills. I always look up my pills on [online] before even eating a half, and if I can't find it I only proceed with a quarter to try it myself before giving it to anyone else (unlike as I did in my early 20s, when I put anything I can get my hands on into my body immediately). Sadly, my wife and one of my other friends got sick that day and they can't make it to the party, but she said I can go if I want with my other friend. The only thing she wanted is that I don't become a zombie the day after, so I can help with the tasks at home and play with the children while she's trying to sleep out her sickness. I think she meant don't drink too much, because she knows that's what makes me feel like a bag of shit the next day.

So we (with the one "remaining" friend) went to the party. Here, I ate 3 pills in the course of around 6 hours, dancing like crazy and just let myself go with the vibes and the music. I also drank 2 beers, one when we entered the club and one before we left, and used the cup I got for the first beer to drink water every hour or so. In the morning when we went to the train station to go home (it was at least a hour on foot, then a 1,5 hour ride), we bought a slice of pizza and another beer for both of us (we don't know why, my buddy was already drunk as hell), and I also popped my last (fourth) pill right before we got into the train. He looked confused, so I said I did it in order to keep me awake so I can make it through the upcoming day, as I promised to my wife. He slept on the train, so it was also good that I can not. And it worked out somehow, I even felt the euphoria like an afterglow all day. This was my most recent EXCELLENT experience with MDMA, and that's where I started craving that feeling a bit (although there was another pretty good one, read on)...

In the last month, I had the idea of just going out in a local pub, drink some beers and meet with some old or even make some new friends. But I still had plenty of pills in my drawer (light brown owl head with a star and "panama" text on the back), so I thought what could possibly go wrong if I put some in my pocket. And in fact, nothing went wrong, at least not on that day. At the pub after the first few beers I connected my phone to the bluetooth speaker, and we threw an awesome dubstep party with some new friends I haven't met before. This was when I realized that the pills I got are indeed strong. One of the guys said he dropped a pretty good pill a few days ago (pink dali - la casa de papel), but a half from mine was just as strong as a whole of that, and after he ate the second half he just giggled in awe right before the counter for the next hour or two, with a smile reaching from one ear to another (I also tried the same dali before, and I can confirm it's about half the potency of these). I ate two halfs too, and danced a lot to the dubstep noises, feeling great, and around midnight I said fuck it, and ate the remaining whole pill. It was on a Friday, and I did it again at home on Saturday, then on Sunday (here I ate a whole pill, then a hour later another, then a hour later TWO - so FOUR pills of those where a half is enough to send me to euphoriland when I have no tolerance), then a few day break, then another random dubstep party on Thursday in the same pub, then break, then Friday at home again...

And that's when I noticed something is really wrong with me. Every time I tried to sleep at night (on the breaks, when not using pills), the so called "brain zaps" started to haunt me. I have a light ear-ringing each and all day, and I don't know what's the cause of this, I have it for years. I just want to point that out because that works like the epicentre of these zaps for me. In fact, I can predict them by the ringing getting slightly louder, then even louder, then ZAP! I am able to prevent these when I shake my head or something when the ringing starts to gets louder, but it doesn't help much when all I want is to sleep. It feels as if the ringing from my ears slowly starts moving inside from both sides, and when they collide at the center of my brain, I can literally HEAR a very loud ZAP! sound, and feeling as if an electric jolt runs through my entire brain, from one side to another (mostly right to left, but I think it depends on how I lay on the bed). I also experienced sleep paralysis more frequently (yes, I have been in SP already a number of times, but like one per 6-10 month), and I feel like these two might be related somehow, because for me, the instant shake after a zap feels exactly the same as "breaking out" of sleep paralysis.

Two days ago, I experienced this episode at least 10 but I think it's closer to 20 times. I almost cried and got very upset at myself for doing this, even if I knew before that serotonin is not a good thing to fuck with, and that taking a great amount of MDMA for consecutive days is a risky act at least. After 2 hours of fighting the zaps constantly, I finally managed to fell asleep. The fact that I had to ingest 3-4 pills to take me to the same levels as 0.5 pill did just a week ago should already scare me. Now I'm not using MDMA for a few days, and I don't want to, but this Friday we are going to another party finally with my wife, and at least saddens me a lot. I feel like a dumb sucker. My wife's plans are the same as with our first awesome experience, and I hope it will be for her, but I don't think I should take any more for at least a month or two. Although, what others describe as the "loss of magic", I don't think I experienced it, I just needed to up the amounts to extraordinary heights because of my tolerance, but it always worked somehow. I have been talkative and euphoric, and the effects are still the same, but the consequences...

Another side note I want to share - not directly related to MDMA but sleep paralysis - is that from my many encounters with the phenomenon I draw the conclusion that this might be just a special type of a dream, where you're dreaming that you're at the same place and position where you dozed off, but you're forced to not move and you know it. Two days ago when I went to a nap after lunch - strange thing that zaps only come at night (EDIT: at least for now, but as of writing this, the pre-zap feelings creep up on me sometimes, and it's again after lunch, not at night) - I experienced paralysis again. I slept on the bed, staring at a single position on the wall with a picture of our children, but I can't even move my eyes (but can open/close them). I tried all the things I can to break out, moving my head or fingers, talking, screaming, but nothing worked. Finally, I was able to whisper something out with my mouth, and I tried it louder and louder. I screamed to my wife to help me out, but she was in the kitchen and didn't hear me. When she finally came in, I just shouted to shake me up or something, but she just opened the door, saw me sleeping and went out. Here I realized that she just came by herself to check me, and I still didn't make a sound, it only existed in my brain. I wanted to scream, but I was unable to do. Here I got really scared, and started to try shouting even harder, when my wife finally came in fast and upset, and jumped on me. That jump scared me awake and I realized that my wife is still out doing her work in the kitchen. So what I've seen must be a dream, but it felt just as real as every other SP encounters of my life. So this whole thing might be just a scary, strange type of dream. I don't know...

Anyway, my story tells that even an experienced psychonaut who often describe himself as a "responsible drug user" can get into scary situations, even with innocent looking, said "safe" substances like MDMA. Well, if you treat it with respect and do it for meaningful occasions, it should be safe. But YOU should be safe too. I know from my previous drug use that I'm an addictive person. It's like if you feel depressed, anything that feels good can replace it and get you to chasing that unreachable feeling while doing serious harm to your body. So remember this (and preferably the typical "one month rule" with MDMA), and always remain in safe boundaries with any other substance too! Read as much as you can about the substances you want to try, and follow the guidelines if you want to avoid the bad consequences. Harm reduction is key! Anything can get out of hand easily with mind altering substances...

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117275
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Oct 15, 2024	Views: 19
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