DOSE: T+ 0:00	125 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 1:00	50 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00		oral	MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

76 kg

First Experience, Life Changing

Background

I am a 47 year old male growing up in a life of abuse (domestic as well as in school) resulting in depression and subdued anger towards virtually everyone and everything. Always been a loner, never been much of a social creature. My ancestral history shows clear signs of a certain level of autism, which shows in a lack of social ability and social interest. I would not say life has been bad, it got better when becoming an adult and moving away from home. I found a few friends and even ended up in some pretty good relationships. But I have always seen the world and my relationships to other people from the outside, never really feeling like a part of it. The world is against me, I am struggling against the world.

For the past 8 years my life has been spiraling further downwards in a slow but steady pace. It started with a divorce that got ugly, separation, a strong feeling of not being able to affect the outcome of my life, and an ever growing anger towards the world. Four years ago, I met a love of my life that was never mutual, leaving me in a deep state of sadness. My relation to my kids deteriorated and they stopped wanting to see me. They suffered, as did I.

I have always been a strong opponent to using anti-depressants (SSRI/SNRI). I even have a history of not even using painkillers when I could/should as I do not like drugs in general. People in my inner circle began suggesting anti-depressants might be the right path for me, but my anger towards the world and others wanting to dictate my life made me refuse to seek medical help. Contact with psychologists did not help. Through different channels I got in contact with information about psychedelics, in particular psilocybin, and I began thinking that it might be an option for me. Rather than being on a lifelong medication with anti-depressants, the idea of reprogramming my brain was more appealing to me. I began doing research, but it all ended in me not having any idea whatsoever on where to get it or how to dose it, or having someone to guide me through it. It seemed like a dead end, like everything else in my life.

A year and a half ago, I eventually hit rock bottom. To make a very long story manageably short, by chance I met a woman who was no stranger to psychedelics. She suggested MDMA rather than psilocybin, and even made sure I got my hands on some. She also had prior experience using it herself and suggested we used it together. In short, she arrived in my life at the right time and right place having all the (almost) right information. I agreed. There was nothing to lose anyway.

D-Day - setting and experience
On a dark December evening we met in my apartment. She weighted the initial dose of 125 mg, wrapped it to pellets in thin layers of soft paper tissue, and at about 5 pm we swallowed them with plain tap water. I had eaten breakfast and lunch some hours before and was both hydrated and not hungry. Approximately an hour after taking the initial dose, we both added another 50mg as booster. None of us noticed any effect when we took the booster, but shortly after it eventually kicked in.

I recall walking around not feeling anything in particular, except for being a bit light headed. I walked over to talk to my friend, and could see she was clearly kicking in, looking very drowsy and out of focus. I recall feeling a bit cheated as I felt nothing myself, wondering if the MDMA did not have any effect on me. I sat down in front of her, and she looked at me, smiled, and told me to go check the mirror. Doing so I noticed my pupils were highly dilated. It looked so weird that I remember laughing out loud. At that point I still did not feel anything in particular (in hindsight the lightheaded feeling I was having was a clear sign that it was already taking effect, which I did not know then). I walked back into my living room and sat in front of the TV we used for streaming music, and I remember suddenly being overwhelmed with an extraordinarily strong feeling of having a very “airy” head. My legs got shaky and I had to sit down, and as I did, I remember repeatedly saying “Oh my god” over and over again. The “airy” feeling intensified and I eventually laid down flat on my back while I was moaning loudly from the feeling of sheer well-being. I could not focus my eyes on anything as wave after wave of what can best be described as pure well-being flushed my brains over and over.

The rest of the evening is a bit foggy. I completely lost track of time, but I remember an immensely strong feeling of emotional closeness to my friend, an equally strong feeling of forgiveness towards myself and the world around me, and a strong urge to touch and be touched. Being touched felt so good, touching felt like it closed the gap between me and the world. It was not sexual in any way, just an extreme feeling of well-being when being close to another. I remember vaguely telling her how wonderful she was, how much I appreciated what she had done for me. I remember crying out of sheer thankfulness. I felt things I cannot even remember when I last felt. I was a mixture of love, forgiveness, empathy, and harmony. Some hours (?) later we both took a second booster, and even though it prolonged the effect of the initial dose and booster, I would not recommend others to do so. Shortly after I began having memory glitches where we were talking about something and I suddenly lost track of what we were talking about, replying to something that was on my mind rather than hearing her say. Even if the feeling of well-being persisted it annoyed me a bit not being able to track the conversation.

Aftermath
We rolled to about 04.00 when the effect eventually wore off and we decided to break up and go to bed. I did not have much trouble falling asleep, and I slept until about lunch. Woke up still feeling a bit light headed, and spent the day hydrating and recovering. I recall a feeling of wellness. Tired, but feeling ok. Better than in a long time, actually.

Went to bed early that day and woke up the next day to something that can only be described as secondary magic. After so many years feeling anger, aggression and irritation towards the world, I woke up in a state where everything was smooth, easy and adorable. In short, nothing could touch me. Walking to work in the rain felt like a blessing. Everyone I met looked wonderful and I felt nothing but love towards them. Nothing irritated me at all. And it went on and on, for more than 10 days! It eventually smoothed out to a more “normal”, or new normal me, but those days were fantastic. Listening to the same music we listened to that very night gave me chills of well-being long after.

Even today I feel something deep inside me changed fundamentally that day. I could lay off years of feeling angry and irritated and become a much better father and friend. I understand now that what I experienced was on the extreme end of the spectrum, something not many do. I was even spared from the infamous post-use dip/depression, only feeling good and a state of well-being.

Long aftermath
When I write this, seven months have passed since my first use. Even today I have difficulties feeling anger, and my level of being irritated towards the world is still low. Anger hits me sometimes, but quickly wears off again. I can tell my kids that I love them, and really mean it. I can tell my girlfriend (I met her after the change) that I love her and really mean it. My relationships at work have improved. Life in general is far better now than it has been for the past decades. Sometimes my mood dips and I feel sad and slightly depressed, but the MDMA lingers in the head like a life jacket, making me float up to the surface again, and again. I have since used it once more, but did not experience anything close to the initial effect.

It sounds almost too good to be true, but that one initial use fundamentally changed my life. I can be nothing but grateful.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117398
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 47
Published: Oct 11, 2024	Views: 15
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)