DOSE:

120 mg

oral

MDMA

(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

60 kg

Summary of Liberating Experiences

This is my summary of my MDMA experiences.

I am 42 years old, healthy male, highly intelligent and creative. About 58-60kg. I have tried MDMA several times in multiple settings, so far never at a party, but always in some intimate space, usually engaged in deeply personal conversation and/or hugging/touching others.

Dosage and timing varied. First several experiences were at night, and I re-dosed several times. Over time I learned that that has high tax on me, that the next day I would be very lethargic and tired , so then I kept to lower doses which I take during the day, so I am able to sleep reasonably well and thus function OK the next day. My usual dose now is about 120mg.

RECOVERY FROM A BREAKUP
Each time I had it, it marked some milestone in my relationship with someone or with myself. Once I had MDMA about one week after emotional breakup with my girlfriend. It was in summer in nature, and I spent most of the night talking with anyone around about my darkest feelings which resurfaced after the breakup. It was intentional exploration of my own shadows and bitter, lonely feelings triggered by breakup. I decided that I prefer short and intensive walk through the valley of shadows instead of long avoidance. It worked. I must have been quite annoying to others that night because I talked a lot about those areas, where I am dysfunctional. I wanted to use that night as a healing experience. After couple of hours, I was suddenly alone, nobody else wanted to talk to me anymore, so I walked around a big stone in circles, and talked and talked to that stone for hours. Until sunrise. Apparently I did not really need a listening human, I just needed to talk myself through it, to verbalize my feelings and until I gained a better perspective, and healed my hurt feelings.

It helped me to get an understanding of why the relationship did not work, see issues we both carried with us, and gather courage to meet her one more time to have a retrospective meeting. We were able to honestly discuss what we were missing in our relationship, and to part our ways with a mutual blessing. It would be possible without MDMA as well, but it would take me more time and effort.

DISCOVERING MY BISEXUALITY
I had MDMA several times with my close male friend J. At first, we talked, we poured our hearts out to each other and became very close friends as a result. Gradually we became more sexual and we started to explore our bodies. I was brought up in a Christian family, in an environment where sexuality was tabooed, masturbation was forbidden because it was considered a sin, and as result I had a lot of guilt and trauma associated with it. It took me long time to recover from that. Homosexuality was considered unnatural and against God, something between big sin and mental illness which should be cured and prayed for. So, when under influence of MDMA I asked my friend J if I may touch and explore his penis, it was a breakthrough experience for me. I was not trying to stimulate him, I was just exploring, I was very curious. And I found out that all bodies are beautiful, both female and male. With each session separated by several months I became bolder and freer, more at easy with my own sexuality and self-expression. I allowed myself to like any human body, and not restrict myself to women just because I am man, and this what is expected from me. I am still mostly heterosexual, I am much more attracted to women, but the thought of being attracted to man does not scare me anymore. I am at peace with myself.

SPARKLING RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARTNER
So far I took MDMA twice with my partner K. On the first occasion it was combined with Ketamine, our second session was pure MDMA and we pre-loaded with 2.4 gr of Piracetam, Magnesium and Vitamin C.

My partner was nervous because it was her first time, so she was very tight the first 30 minutes. I was there for her, guiding her through the experience, calming her. Ketamine kind of got in the way, so on our next session after 6 months we took pure MDMA only. We shared, we talked, we made love. Yes, my penis was very soft, so I was not able to penetrate her, but I did not mind because it felt so good just be with her, appreciating her character, her body, her care, and her calm wisdom. She truly is a wonderful woman.

Next time I added 10mg of 5-MEO-MIPT after 4 hours when MDMA started to fade away. First 30 minutes I felt nervous, and my belly was very tight, it was my first time on Moxy and even though I read a lot about it, I did not know how my body would react to it. After 40 minutes I was fully rolling, and it was the most sensual experience I had ever. My senses were enhanced tenfold. I was able to observe tiny movements of her skin in sync with her breathing on places I never expected them, like on her thighs. Her skin felt so velvety, it was pure pleasure to touch and to be touched. Much more sensual then MDMA, but also less empathogenic.

SUMMARY
MDMA had allowed to be more comfortable with myself, become more fine-tuned to my own feelings and needs, and allowing myself to express them fully.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117433
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 42
Published: Oct 13, 2024	Views: 15
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MDMA (3) : Various (28), Sex Discussion (14), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3)