DOSE: T+ 0:00	hits	smoked	Products - Other Cannabis-Like Smoking Blends	(device)
T+ 0:00	joints/cigs	smoked	Cannabis	(flowers)
T+ 0:05	1 mg	oral	Pharms - Alprazolam	(pill / tablet)
T+ 0:37	.5 mg	oral	Pharms - Alprazolam	(pill / tablet)
T+ 0:38	70 mg	oral	Cannabis - High THC	(edible / food)
T+ 1:07	20 mg	oral	Pharms - Diazepam	(pill / tablet)
T+ 1:50	1 cig.	smoked	Cannabis	(flowers)
T+ 2:20	1 mg	oral	Pharms - Alprazolam	(pill / tablet)
T+ 2:20	10 mg	oral	Pharms - Diazepam	(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

165 lb

PREAMBLE:
I had recalled the heydays of Xanax in American culture (around 2018ish was the peak I think) and how seemingly everybody wanted to get their hands on them and get high. So despite this, I was always aware of its incredibly addictive properties and how people who took Xanax recreationally were always mentally and physically slow, as I had seen this in real life and as well as in videos online of "bartards" (their words, not mine) nodding off in public.

I am a 20 year old woman who weighs about 165 pounds at the time of writing this report. I am a chronic cannabis smoker (daily use) and have been for nearly two years. Before that, I was a slightly less chronic smoker (5 days a week) for another two years or so. My cannabis tolerance is extremely high as a result, meaning that I can neither give a true report of how Xanax feels on its own nor can I say how the cannabis interacted with the Xanax or Valium I took because I've never done either without being stoned.

I obtained the pills while on vacation with my family in Mexico from a pharmacy. I knew there was no way in hell I was going to get a Xanax prescription here in the US (couldn't pass a piss test and they probably have "drug seeking behavior" or "drug abuse issues" somewhere in my medical files) so I figured I would buy Xanax there and take it home and try it. Ever since I was about 14 or so, I had it in my head that Xanax were like these little miracle pills that could make me feel like I was walking on sunshine or something. I'm not formally diagnosed with anything, but I suspect I am bipolar. Based on my own family and how psychologists/ psychiatrists have treated me in the past it would seem that way too. For the past three weeks I've been feeling manic. I can't stop spending all my money, I can't stop masturbating, and I can't stop smoking weed. I usually like to hold of until about 5 PM, but lately I've been struggling to make it to noon before taking a hit. I'm going 30 mph over the speed limit on the highway, and everything seems to piss me off or just isn't giving me the "high" or satisfaction I'm looking for. I got the Xanax for these kinds of moments: when my mind is spinning out of control and I just need my racing thoughts to stop.

Last night was one of those nights. I said to myself "fuck it dude, I have to pull the plug. I have to find some way, any way to escape what's happening inside my head right now.". And so, after returning to my home after my night community college class at about 8:30, I sat there for about a half hour just thinking of what I was gonna do. I wanted to get drunk because alcohol always slows my thoughts down and makes it so I can have a good time, but I didn't feel like doing the actual drinking part (I dislike the taste of alcohol). I remembered I had 30 Xanax pills, and after searching online I decided that they'd help me with my uncontrollable racing thoughts. At around 9:10 PM I had made my decision. I grabbed the box of pills off of my dresser and sat down at my computer desk. Alone, in my room, in front of my computer is how I prefer to take pretty much all of my drugs.

t = -00:05 - First dose of cannabis consumed (1:1 THC:CBD pen hit around this time and mini preroll sativa joint was smoked [THC 25%])

t = 00:00 - 0.5 mg taken (9:13 pm)

t = 00:02 - 0.5 mg taken (1 mg total)

t = 00:14 - feeling a little funny but unsure if placebo

t = 00:15 - Laughed super hard at my boyfriend's retarded joke, certainly kicking in

t = 00:37 - Not very pleased with effects thus far, although I do feel different. 0.5 mg taken (1.5 mg total at 9:55 pm). Some mania symptoms are suppressed (racing thoughts mostly) but now I just want to get high. This could also be because I have been craving nitrous oxide for the past few days like a motherfucker, and I am starting to think there's only one way to scratch the itch. But that's for another night I guess.

t = 00:38 - Eating THC edibles because why the fuck not. 70 mg taken over the course of 10 minutes or so.

t = 00:53 - doing the math to keep up with this stupid ass time format I chose is getting too bothersome.

t = 1:00 - I have valium. My precious prince valium. I love valium so fucking much, I feel like a lamb in the arms of christ. Safe, warm. I am going to take this motherfucking valium. I am aware of compulsive redosing properties xanax possesses but I don't give a shit (which is why it happens in the first place!) Right now, I am locked in a state of needing to feel even more high. I now know why the term "getting sideways" is used to refer to becoming inebriated because, wow. It feels like I'm on one of those gravitron fair rides right now, just a *tiny* bit. Two pills (20 mg) of valium usually does it for me, I will start there. After that, maybe take the last half pill of xanax I have out. I don't wanna do very much more than this though, because blackouts are a serious risk with benzos.

t = 1:07 - Took two pills of valium (20 mg total valium, 1.5 mg total xanax). Starting to feel sort of drunk, but with some weird twists I can't describe. It feels cleaner or classier. This is the beauty of chemistry and scientists working around the world to perfect pills to alter the human mind. I honestly find it to be quite beautiful. The work of a chemist is a work of art. I want nitrous so bad, I would pay almost anything for just a handful of canisters. I think I just want to get super high, super fast but since this is kind of a slower burn I am getting impatient. I tried walking around a little and I am stumbling as if I were totally wasted lol.

t = 1:13 - I cannot stop staring at that sexy little purple rock on my desk, that last half mg of xanax. I know I should wait for the valium to hit, but fuck it's so hard to wait. I didn't expect to feel possessed with desire to redose so powerfully. But hey, "I didn't expect" is what precedes the lame excuses for plenty of errors people make all the time. I like the way music sounds and food tastes right now, I've never heard of benzos enhancing these senses before. It could just be interacting with the THC and intensifying the effect. I certainly feel a little close to how my first time smoking weed went, so there's that.

t = 1:33 - Alright I'm done waiting that last bit of xanax is mine. I realize now I won't get super high, but I'm ok with this. I feel good anyways. Lighting up a joint right now, it's "fruit loops" (indica) with hash and diamonds infused. she's all mine too. Feeling particularly grateful to be alive and to live the way I live right now.

t = 1:50 - Actually smoking the joint now, I got distracted and forgot earlier lol.

t = 2:07 - Imma big girl (mentally and physically) so I'm doing this shit. One more mg of Zanny! Total of three mg after this one. Fuck the haters (medical professionals and habitual drug users)

t = 2:20 - Actually taking the Xanax now. Time flies when you're having fun

t = 2:31 - One more 10 mg of valium. Think that makes 40 mg now and 3 mg of the xanax. I wanna keep going but I realize I am losing myself to the compulsive redosing. Gonna finish this joint ( it stopped burning halfway through because my ass forgot to keep smoking lol) and turn my PC off and go to bed.

t = 2:35 - Can't really read or follow along with videos that aren't moving very fast (ADHD friendly if you will) or shit like ASMR. Music sounds odd like it does on the second plateau of DXM where any noise that sounds like tv static becomes really prominent in music for some reason. Not always bad and can even enhance certain songs, but makes certain songs/ parts of songs overstimulating.

After my last entry I just started watching ASMR videos for what was probably 20 minutes (felt like 5), got naked and crawled into bed, and fell asleep with my PC on. The memory hole I have of the time between my last entry and when I fell asleep indicates that there was potentially some kind of blackout/utter loss of awareness of myself. If I had to guess, I probably fell asleep at 12:00 AM.

That was overall not a really powerful high, but they seem to be working as psychiatrists intend them to work. If I got these pills for free I would feel better about the high I got, but I overpaid for these. I feel decently hung over physically (difficultly balancing, eyes feel heavy, generally being ataxic, etc) but mentally I think I'm just a little slow. It silenced whatever bipolar part of my brain was screaming at me to engage in damaging behaviors in the pursuit of pleasure ("spend more money!", "do more drugs!", etc.). As I write this, I'm beginning to notice how I was an absolute slob last night, there's joint ash all over the fucking place and trash just everywhere. Rereading my log made me smile, because you can tell by my colorful language and increasing levels of detail that I was certainly higher than I thought I was (common reported effect of Xanax). If only I was feeling as high as I appeared on the outside...

TL;DR: I've been feeling manic lately and wanted something to just calm me the fuck down. I thought the Xanax would help, so I took one and waited to see if anything would improve.

SUMMARY:
Was it what I had hoped to be? SORT OF! It was like being drunk, but not quite as fun and just as messy. Plus I feel just as slow the next day. In fact, I usually wouldn't even feel this slow unless it was a night of like 8-10 drinks. Do I think this is a sustainable solution for manic episodes? Not really, I feel as if my brain is only so quiet because I just filled it with a bunch of benzos. It works in an emergency, but this is clearly not an appropriate long-term solution for manic periods. Is it worth developing a benzo addiction? FUCK no. I had fun but I don't really understand how these are addictive unless you've never done any actual hard drugs before and if you have no idea that benzos are addictive in the first place. But hey, I guess this just means that benzos aren't my drug of choice.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117534
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Feb 10, 2025	Views: 15
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