DOSE: T+ 0:00	10 hits	buccal	LSD	(blotter / tab)
T+ 0:30	50 mg	insufflated	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 4:50	60-70 mg	insufflated	MDMA	(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00	repeated	insufflated	Ketamine

BODY WEIGHT:

81 kg

Author Note: Curated grammar and spelling in retrospect for legibility reasons, and culled loose letters and unfinished strings that don't actually convey meaning. Hopefully without sacrificing too much integrity. I'm impressed at how little editing is needed. I'm still not able to tell whether any of this will be coherent at all, though. I'm not far enough removed.

So I went into this trip with a set purpose in mind. At various points in my life where I've found myself trapped in a confluence of life events, or a web of mental struggle where I just can't seem to find a way forward, psychedelics have been there to act as sort of a mental lubricant, allowing my mind to settle into a state where I can easier see a way out or at least be more at peace with the situation. Beset by a few health issues I'm not really keen on dealing with and some other personal things in my life that I need to deal with I've found myself a bit paralyzed and scared in recent months. There are good things happening too, but it's just... a lot. I'm not great at handling stress. People say you shouldn't do psychedelics unless you're in a good place mentally, and I am not going to argue with that. Me going on the deepest and potentially most challenging psychedelic journey of my life while said life is in a bit of disorder is to be seen as a reckless decision and not an endorsement of this practice. I just... This is just what I do. When I'm not a coward.

I prepared for a day to ensure I had enough provisions that are simple enough to eat and drink even in an addled state, and someone to carry me back to my room in case things get out of hand. Ketamine especially can make the simplest tasks (telling left from right?) impossible, and while I do not expect to be eating anything while in the deepest throes of that substance in particular it's better to be safe than sorry. I also needed to clean the place up a bit so I don't trip over things and hurt myself. Nothing to stand between me and whatever is to come.

In room, in front of computer, fully prepared.

T+00:00 - This is a lot of paper. So very dry.

T+00:10 - I spit out the mushy chewed paper.

T+00:30 - Snorting the MDMA (50mg). I'm gonna add serious amounts of Ketamine to that in a while, and I'm terrified as to what my sinuses will be like come tomorrow.

T+00:35 - Something is definitely happening, but I definitely expected things to come on harder and faster at this dose. My body feels like it's twisting around on the inside, not in a painful way but as if my flesh under my skin were made of snakes gently wiggling around. My vision is distorting slightly in a similarly wiggly fashion (alternating rows of text wiggle in different directions, and images seem a bit wavy), but no other visual phenomena as of yet. I'm hurrying to get food and water close and ready, expecting to be anchored in place for quite some time.

T+00:40 - Dotted patterns in different colors weaving into each other as if trying to make fabric are starting to overlay my vision, it's getting a bit hard to read unless I lean in, and thoughts are becoming unfocused. It feels a bit like my mind is stuck in a vise. Not my head, it's not physically painful, but like I'm not free to move my thoughts where I want and something is being forced into place.

Geometry is taking over. My body is shaking.

+01:05 - More snakes, but on the outside, and furry, as I close my eyes. In a low-opacity overlay. One of this is completely dominating my senses yet. They undulate in size and give off a light shimmery dust. Very ayahuasca, but more regular in their movement, like they're listening to a song and grooving in preset dance patterns. I think I might faintly be hearing the song. Maybe a neighbour, maybe just my head. This does not feel or look like LSD, but making assumptions because of previous experiences with a substance is silly. I'm also expecting warmth but I'm kinda freezing. It might actually just be that cold in here. Also feeling very dry, but that's expected. No amount of water can make the throat feel less like a desert on both LSD and MDMA.

+01:40
Nothing is straight lines. This place is so big. I was talking to a lot of people a while ago, but I'm alone. Dragonsong from FFXIV is playing loudly. Feels like more detail than when it is actually playing. Almost wanna double-check but I know nothing is playing on my computer. This song is beautiful. I'm in and out of conscious awareness. Dancing more intensely than ever in my mind, although I'm mostly sitting still. Very hard to move. Some nausea, things are spinning around.

Spiders! With robot legs! They're coming to take me away!

+2:00-ish - K (120mg)
Okay, here goes nothing (or everything)

+2:10
Things are falling into tiny colorful pieces. I see thoughts more complicated than I could actually think, and they're falling with all the rest, into tiny motes of technicolor dust. I'm still making words, but I don't know how. The letters on the screen look so huge, and suddenly so tiny. Sometimes they don't fit on the screen at all, so they stick out a bit, they flex and bend aggressively outwards. This is fun. Nnnnnn

+4:00 - Hi (Left this one in even though it's a straggler. Hi, me!)

+4:20
---ABSOLUTE NONSENSE STRICKEN FROM DOCUMENT---
(actually not, I'm here, I'm just at a loss as to what to say)

Do you call these visuals? Entire objects just stepping into view from nowhere, sometimes standing in front of other things, and sometimes pushing my entire field of view around, contorting everything else to fit around it in an impossible fashion. There are not this many degrees to a circle.

A whole... thing. On top on what feels like a pretty normal field of view otherwise. Like the effect is perfectly localized but 100% realistic. As long as I don't scrutinize things they're allowed to linger. This is like a lucid dream but with much less sense. This non-curated madness is why I love psychedelics. Why sometimes I wish everything was this, always. But that's silly talk. Even I need contrasting normality and rest. Eventually.

Apparently I closed this document. We're back.

4:50 - I made it to the bathroom and back, and collided with things. A meter is a mile.

I will touch the Ketamine soon again, but when I do nothing will be written down for a while. And my memories of those events are also as hazy as they are impossible to describe. Feels like a waste since a thorough report was one of my main stipulations going into this entire thing.

Smelling color and tasting loud shapes is such a lame descriptor of what's going on, but complete synaesthesia is the simplest way I can put it. Very loud and bright and very everywhere, and I'm here for it. It feels surreal to think that the text I'm typing is actually a solid black color, and in regular shapes, and not just all the colors all the time contorting wildly. I can reshape what I see at will.

This is definitely a friendlier time than I expected I'd be having. and I'm feeling a lot more coherent than I thought I would be. It's all extremely intense and very weird but it's surprisingly not hard to type. Until ketamine gets into the mix and then everything is a mess for a bit again. Maybe my subconscious is slightly less disorganized than I give it credit for. Probably organizes things a lot better than I can do consciously.

Streaks of colorful meteorites are falling down, playing delightful music as they go. Snakes made from nothing but solid (or liquid) color are jumping and bouncing around in delight below.

Sometimes everything is almost normal for a bit, then everything is complete impossibility through so many dimensions.

More MDMA. Unsure. estimating 60-70mg because it's 50 + some extra spillage but I'm in no state of mind to judge. Apparently in a state of mind to type though. How is it even possible that I can see the screen and plate? Most of it, most of the time, anyways.

T+06:00 Okay it's maybe not so organized. Pretty hard to make any cogent descriptions of all the things transpiring right now. Still very friendly though. I blame the MDMA. A moment just flew me by and literally blew me a kiss on the way out. I really wish there were wordier words for these things. The mind is the most marvelous of marvels. And this is still nothing in the grand scheme of things. Science doesn't have an infinity of an inkling as to how complicated the brain is. How every neuron is intelligent on its very own. I would really like the ability to take screenshots of the mind for posterity. 3D animated ones especially. Some of these artworks really ought to exist in outer reality, too. Such a shame.

I think I did more Ketamine a little while ago. Or in a little while. Help. Every thought leaves echoing sounds which bounce against my whole self.

So many amenities. so much stuff and so little time. Tristram theme from the Diablo games just generally ruling the lands because my brain needs some musical context. Reality slowly putting puzzle pieces where they should be, maybe. Apparently this has just begun. Or at least, it's not about to end any time soon.

Empty, lonely, beautiful. Assaying the solitude expecting something to answer. And just as I have time to reflect on that emptiness everything is busy yet again.

There has been thousands of lifetimes between the things I've written down. I wish I could relay so much more of it, but my inner journey is both far too long and far too strange to describe. The vistas though, the vistas. And it's all so beautiful. I almost wish for some of it to be painful or ugly, to give me some reasons not to dream forever. If I was suddenly rich I fear I might dream every single moment not spent sleeping.

T+9:00
I've forgotten to put a time to many a thing before this, but this is 9 hours. 9 hours of tearing down everything and rebuilding it all. 9 hours of paint buckets being emptied into a drain which sprays them into the most wonderful painting on the floors below.

Everything that isn't this screen is canvas of everything I've ever seen and a lot of things I haven't.

I was falling for a long time. What is time?

Time for K

(I know there was a whole lot happening in here. I'm not sure. I think a lot of K was used, probably)

T+13:00
I think things have mostly calmed down now. When my eyes are not closed reality looks rather similar to what I remember, albeit more... crystalline? and with more color. Things are still pretty wild when I close my eyes though. Like a very hyperactive screensaver with lots of mathematical patterns. Like thousands of copies of the Minx of Madness puzzle just rotating wildly in 3D space, shining beams of colored light through their cracks that project more intelligible 2D pictures on my retinas. Or, not actually on my retinas, but you get it.

If consciousness was just the electric currents passed between neurons you couldn't simulate this in the lifetime of the universe. Consciousness is a property, a shared currency, of existence itself. Subdivided for reasons that are just beyond this reality, but for which this subdivision and entitification is eternally grateful. Harnessing it for intelligence and imagination is wild. You need to know the small to approach and appreciate the grand. Is this still going? I think I'm still in the middle of things.

It was not her that I got obsessed by, but what she represented to me, something that was actually found in the psychedelic state. And that somehow got tangled together with the psychedelic experience into a mess that my mind had no idea what to make of. I am allowed to let it go. It might still be a problem though, that I want to live here forever, in the twilight land between conscious reality and infinity. I must work on it. There is a balance to be found.

T+14:00
14 hours. I think the Tristram theme is just stuck in my head now. It's come and gone a number of times today, when the mood gets right. It's not as perfectly lound and clear as it was a number of hours ago, but it's still playing vividly enough to where I can kinda feel the texture of the guitar strings against fingers. I haven't disappeared into any kind of dream for some time now, and visually things are mostly just... bendy with some arms pulling them around. Still Turkey Circus when I close my eyes.

T+15:25
"Groundbreaking Discoveries About Human Brain and Neuronal Complexity" on YouTube - I find this at the end of the Event. The discoveries have just begun. How did this show up just now? This is Kairos.

(Unsure of when exactly I wrote these 2 things below)
I think I'm halfway back into the middle of it. I'm tired and my neck hurts.

It lays itself down, for it needs rest

T+22:00 Woke up. Crazy dreams. Boating through the woods with a crazy man, getting stuck somewhere in Italy. I'm still tripping like I did when I went to sleep. Maybe more. I'm gonna lie down again.

T+END
To the one it concerns: I love you for helping me do this. I mean, I love you nevertheless, but there is no overstating what this experience means to me. It gets kind of trite to speak of life-changing experiences when discussing psychedelics, but the person who writes this is not the person who wrote the beginning of this document. Not in a lame Theseus' shitty boat kind of way. Theseus built a whole family of multiverses, and they renovate each otherverses.

I don't know why I was afraid. Or I do, because I really should be, but this is home. The insanity of a mind gone rampant is the only place that's actually fully me. When any limits are on, all fun is off. Maybe a slight exaggeration, just maybe.

I'm not sure if I achieved what I was going for. Everything feels a lot less scary now, and I can't stop crying, at everything in general. I think that's good... But I wanna go back. It still felt too short. I've had some strange trips on LSD and K, but this was the only time since some very intense Ayahuasca trips (maybe just one of them) far back in the past that I was in a complete waking dreamstate. At least in between the Ketamine. Ketamine just turns it into a dream on rails, a rollercoaster of madness. That's fun, don't get me wrong, but it's not the same as the proper shamanic state that the standard psychedelic produces, where you are still inside your body and you can still think about things. I had forgotten all this somewhere.

I should write more ending words, but I can't think of much to say now. My mind is spent.

T+EVEN LATER
It's been one more day. I've been sleeping and dreaming, but now I'm awake. Everything is very overwhelming still. Both what has happened and the waking life around me. I'm just gonna try to keep my head in reality for today.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117646
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 36
Published: Oct 16, 2024	Views: 14
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LSD (2), MDMA (3), Ketamine (31) : Entities / Beings (37), Combinations (3), Alone (16)