DOSE:

20 g

oral

Amanitas - A. muscaria

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

71 kg

I remember how giddy I was when the box of dried Amanitas has finally arrived in the post office. For some reason, I had a strong feeling that this mushroom would help me out with my problems at the time. Foolishly, I didn't even try microdosing or starting small beforehand, thinking that my experiences with acid and one experience with ~9 grams of Amanitas gave me full right to rush straight into an Amanita trip. This mistake later proved to be nearly fatal. It's true what one person said: respect Amanita, or it will make you respect it.

I had 60 grams of mushrooms. Immediately, I split them into three 20-gram portions, planning on having 3 trips. The first two "trips" were nothing out of the ordinary: I was mostly in control of my body and thought process, had slight dissociation and sedation, no visuals, and had a great time meditating. However, with my third trip everything was different.

Before describing it, I'd like to point out two more mistakes that I made. Number one: seeing that Amanita had no tolerance buildup whatsoever, at least for me, I thought it was a good idea to trip throughout the week. So I had my first trip on Tuesday, second one on Wednesday, and the hellish third one on Friday. Number two: I was living with my parents at the time. Seeing that the first two trips were mostly controllable, I thought that nothing bad could happen. I was sorely mistaken.

Around 18:00, I came home from the gym. Mom was taking a nap, and dad usually returned home from work late at night, so in my mind it was the perfect time to eat my last portion of mushrooms.

At 18:40 I started experiencing familiar feelings from the trips before: euphoria, slight disorientation, and sedation. However, this time something was different. In addition to those, I began to experience extreme arousal. The feeling wasn't very enjoyable, I was so aroused that it made me dizzy, and I decided to deal with it so it doesn't ruin the trip. I found some porn, and was hypnotized by it. The computer screen was sucking me into it, almost to the point where I felt like I was inside the film. When I was done, I was surprised to find out that it took me only 20 minutes, because for me it felt at least like an hour. My hands started shaking, and I tried to calm myself down. Thoughts like, "This was a mistake" started running through my head.

19:00, right after the deed was done, it felt as though my room's floor is a giant magnet. I lay down, putting my head on my gym bag. I prepared a playlist with some celtic folk music beforehand, but for some reason decided to put on another song on repeat as I fell asleep on the floor.

19:46, after 46 minutes of dreamless sleep, I woke up, still on the floor. Dissociation was much stronger than in previous trips. When I stood up and tried to walk around my room, it was as though my every limb had a mind of its own. Each body part was moving independently, and with each second I lost control over my body more and more. I couldn't feel my toes, which made me panic - I started checking if my toes were still there every few seconds. Aside from bodily dissociation, I also experienced severe mental one. Just like with my limbs, every thought in my head was in disarray, and they all suddenly became louder. Thoughts started to fight with each other, each one trying to "outscream" the others. For some reason, that didn't scare me. I felt like I was rapidly going insane, and at the moment this thought made me laugh out loud. The song that was still playing on repeat now had an almost apocalyptic feel to it - like everything around was crumbling down, and the world would soon perish into nothingness. This made laugh even harder.

19:53, one of the thoughts had finally won. It was now repeating over and over in my head: "There's so much dirt inside you. There's so much dirt inside you." With this in my mind, I went to the bathroom, but without any success. However, I remained there for solid 10 minutes, just watching the toilet flush and the water run away. I felt my heart pound loudly, surely trying to break out and tear my chest apart. Adding to the "There's so much dirt inside you" thought loop, images started appearing in my imagination. I was looking at the world through the eyes of my other, woman self, degraded, humiliated, sexually assaulted and abused over and over. The scenes made me simultaneously feel disgust and this trippy, dizzy arousal that I experienced in the beginning.

At around 20:05, I finally returned to my room. The world was spinning around me, making me feel nauseous. Everything around me looked like it was about to collapse, and the walls seemed to bend and stretch in such a strange way that it seemed like my surroundings could snap into pieces anytime.

I don't remember blacking out or falling asleep, but somewhere between 20:05 and 20:50 I was whisked out of my body. From that moment on, only an angry, berserk husk remained on Earth, while my mind and soul were trapped in my personal hell. First, I will write about what happened down here on Earth, from the words of my mother.

At around 20:50, she heard screaming from my room. A scream so angry and loud that our neighbours had probably heard it. She knocked on my door, but heard no response. Then, other sounds started to come out of my room. I was hissing, banging against walls and furniture, crying, grunting. Not being able to take it anymore, she broke into my room.

Upon seeing me, she didn't know what to do - this wasn't her son, whoever that was. It was an angry, confused animal, with a bruised lip and chin. She tried to calm me down and sat me against the wall, a task which proved quite difficult to accomplish given the fact that I kept thrashing around. After countless attempts, she finally managed to lead me out into the living room, where she sat me on the couch. Mom tried giving me water, and apparently I was trying to drink it, but my teeth were closed shut. Water spilled all over my t-shirt, but I still refused to open my mouth.

At that point, I calmed down a little and stopped thrashing around, but this image was even more terrifying for her. I was sitting there, staring blankly into nothingness, my arms completely limp, drool dripping off my chin. She called dad, telling him to come home as soon as possible and explaining the situation. Now, my dad knew that I had purchased Amanitas, so he immediately put two and two together, and soon was home.

Not knowing what to do with me, and seeing that my condition wasn't improving, they called an ambulance. Upon arriving, paramedics quite roughly tackled me down, which immediately triggered a fighting response . I once again started thrashing, screaming, trying to hit them with my fists and legs. It took two paramedics and my father to hold me down. They injected me with Haloperidol, tied me, and drove me off to ER.

At 23:46 I was admitted to the hospital. According to the staff, I was screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to fight them the whole time. I have finally fully returned to my body at around 01:00, finding myself with an uncomfortable urethral catheter, my hands and legs tied to the hospital bed, extremely exhausted and unsure if the hospital was real, or just another vision.

This was what happened on Earth, according to people who witnessed it. But where was my mind? At first, after being torn from my body, I was dragged through a series of uncomfortable visions. Each one of my mistakes, regrets, fears, dirty fantasies, anxieties - all rushed before my eyes at the speed of light. "This is it." A voice said, "You're not coming back."

And the Hell broke loose. I always believed that even if there were Heaven or Hell after death, they would be personally tailored for each soul. And I ended up in mine. Countless floating demonic heads surrounded me, jeering at me, taunting me. I ran through them, hitting them with my fists, kicking and screaming, shouting, "Let me out! Let me out!". I fought back with all my might, but it was futile, I was too weak.

Whenever one of the heads managed to grab me in its jaws, I was shown a different story of a different person. I can't really remember them in details, but each one was a story of constant fear, despair, and ultimately - demise. At the end of each one, a voice said, "This is you." And I was immediately spat out, thrown back into the sea of demonic heads. After what seemed like an eternity of fighting, I started to see a gap between the heads. Gathering all of my strength, I rushed towards it, kicking and screaming, desperate to reach my only chance of freedom.

The gap was getting closer and closer, and upon closer look, I saw that it's actually a crack in materium. "One chance" I thought, as I jumped into it. I could feel it close behind me.

I found myself floating in a dark, cold void. "Now, you get to experience every horrible thing you did before your body gave up on itself," a man's voice told me, and I saw a silhouette of light in the distance. This phrase doesn't make any sense now, but back then it made me feel deep, cold terror. I felt as though I was dead, never to come back, and this entity was judging me for all of my sins. Looking at the silhouette gave me feelings of deep, primordial fear, but I couldn't look away or do anything else. This was likely during the time when my body was sitting on a couch in the living room with a blank stare. "Remember: You did that because you are a coward." The silhouette started getting closer. "You were never worthy of living anyway." It got even closer. "Do something!" my mind screamed, but I couldn't move. "DO SOMETHING!!"

Standing right in front of me, the silhouette clicked its fingers. I was immediately transported into a tiny room with walls of rusty metal. Invisible force dragged me around, hitting my body against the walls, ceiling, floor, until I gave up and lay limp. Hands, bruised, covered in warts, appeared out of thin air. They started to touch me and tug at my limbs. Then, they started tearing. Each time they tore off my limbs, I screamed in pure agony. They sewn them back, and then tore them off again, torturing me. "This will never end!" I screamed. At that point, I believed that I was already dead, and was going to remain in there forever.

I was thrown from one room to another, in each room I was tortured in a different way. They were no longer sewing my body parts back, they were just disassembling my body until nothing remained of me but the eyes, floating in the void. And so I, consisting of nothing but my eyes, began floating in the void aimlessly, searching for something.

In the distance, I saw another silhouette, standing on its hands and knees, immediately recognised it as my own body, and tried to float into it, but something stopped me. A giant blade appeared in the void, and was shoved into its groin (Which was most likely a catheter insertion in the hospital). I felt immediate pain, and tried to scream, but had no mouth. Resisting the force pushing me away from my body, I attempted to float into it. Each time, through more and more agonising pain, I was getting closer. Once I reached its face, the blade entered through its forehead, severing it completely. I floated into the wound, and found myself inside the silhouette. I couldn't move my hands and feet (likely due to being tied to the hospital bed by the staff).

Gathering all of my strength, I opened my eyes, and found myself in a hospital room. There was no one else here. It didn't feel real, and I was sure that this was just another layer of my personal Hell. Adding up to it was the realisation that I'm tied to the bed, so I was convinced that at any moment entities would come back and start torturing me again. I turned my head and looked out the window - everything outside was on fire. I closed my eyes, subjecting myself to fate, and fell asleep.

When I woke up again, three doctors were in the room. One of them gave me another injection and started asking questions. What substance did I take, what did I experience. My mind was still hazy, but surprisingly, I was able to say that I ate some Fly Agaric, at which he scoffed. I didn't tell him about my experience, simply answering "I don't want to talk about it."

For the next 24 hours, I was slowly and painfully returning back to reality. I was discharged a day later, didn't fully recover until a week has passed.

I am not planning another trip on Amanitas any time soon. I feel deep regret for putting my parents through that, and sometimes in my nightmares I briefly return to this Hell of mine. As I said in the beginning, don't be foolish. Respect Amanita, or it will make you respect it.

Exp Year: 2023	ExpID: 117793
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Sep 20, 2024	Views: 15
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Amanitas - A. muscaria (70) : Difficult Experiences (5), Entities / Beings (37), Train Wrecks & Trip Disasters (7), Alone (16)