DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 - 3 g	oral	Kratom	(daily)
T+ 0:00	210 mg	oral	Harmine	(capsule)
T+ 0:00	210 mg	oral	Tetrahydroharmine	(capsule)
T+ 0:20	50 mg	oral	DMT	(capsule)
T+ 1:20	35 mg	oral	DMT	(capsule)
T+ 4:50	2 tablets	oral	Skullcap	(extract)
T+ 4:50	100 ug	oral	Pharms - Clonidine	(pill / tablet)
T+ 0:00	100 ug	oral	Pharms - Clonidine	(pill / tablet)
T+ 24:00	210 mg	oral	Harmine	(capsule)
T+ 24:00	210 mg	oral	Tetrahydroharmine	(capsule)
T+ 24:20	60 mg	oral	DMT	(capsule)
T+ 25:30	210 mg	oral	Tetrahydroharmine	(capsule)
T+ 25:30	210 mg	oral	Harmine	(capsule)
T+ 25:30	20 mg	oral	Harmaline	(capsule)

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

I decided to try Ayahuasca for the first time under the supervision of my partner, E, who has a lot of experience. I have a good deal of experience with all classes of drugs in general, and with psychedelics I am particularly experienced with LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, 2C-B, 2C-D, Mescaline, 5-MeO-DMT, 5-MeO-DiPT, and DMT. I've experienced DMT vaporized but I haven't really gotten much out of vaporizing it. My most meaningful and clear DMT experiences have been with IV and IM administration.

However, I have been interested in ayahuasca for quite a long time and didn't really feel like it was right until I met E, who has had significant experience with it and with whom I feel safe and comfortable taking powerful psychedelics. We have explored quite a few psychedelics together, but have more recently gotten into holding space for each other. This would be one of the first times that E was going to be holding space for me.

We had originally planned for a one-night experience, but after the first night, I felt called to do it again, so this report has the report from day 1 and day 2. In preparation for these experiences, I abstained from stimulants for 2 weeks, cut most dairy, sugar, and excessive salt out of my diet and ate mostly vegan. I use a small amount of kratom daily as a coffee replacement, and I also cut this back to about 1 gram per day from 2.5-3g that I usually take. I also abstained from any other mind-altering substances such as alcohol or cannabis. I did use .1mg of clonidine on occasion for sleep, but I didn't see any information regarding potential interactions with DMT. On the day before my experience, I did some journaling about my intentions and then following the experience I did some journaling to help me record my mindset going into the experience as well as record the experience so that I could refer back to it during the integration phase.

For the DMT dosing, E provided me a Caapi extract that contains 210mg of Tetrahydroharmine (THH) and 210mg of Harmine per dose, and we converted pure Freebase DMT into DMT Fumarate using Fumaric Acid via guides on The Nexus. On Day 1, I don't have very exact time stamps because E and I didn't think they would be necessary, but on Day 2 E decided to take detailed time-stamped notes because of the unusually large dose I decided to take.

Ayahuasca Day 1

Pre-Ayahuasca Journaling

In some ways, it’s felt like the experience has been subtly rippling backwards through time since we set the date about two weeks back. I have noticed this in the way I’m feeling about doing other drugs (less desire for them, they’re not really “doing it” for me like usual), in introspection and spending time with old feelings, and a general sense of calm and well being.

The way some events have fallen around this time has been pretty serendipitous too... first my mom coming through and bringing me boxes of things from my childhood to sort, then receiving some of my past belongings from my former partner... a very physical manifestation of baggage from my past that needs to be sorted and purged. It almost feels like a given that this is what my experience is likely to center around. It does still seem wise to reflect on some intentions.

• Something that is very present for me right now: The physical manifestation of the baggage from my past
• I have concerns about: difficult things coming up and not feeling “resolved” by the end of the experience... when I say this, I’m referencing a previous IM DMT experience where emotional abuse & sexual manipulation came up and it left me in a pretty fragile state for a while.
• I am curious about: What it will be like to be in a DMT-type space for so long, and what the MAOIs will add to it.
• I am inspired now to create: a clean, peaceful, beautiful space in which to enjoy the journey.
• I am inspired to let go of: patterns, beliefs, and feelings from the past that no longer serve me.
• In this moment I deeply desire and long for: feelings of peace and clarity about my life, and the wisdom, patience, and compassion to navigate relationships with those who have unintentionally hurt me in the past.
• My intention: to release baggage, ill-will, fear, and insecurity. To trust the process and that all is going as it should. To feel the love that surrounds me. To experience forgiveness for others and for myself. To live in peace and help others do the same.

Post-Ayahuasca Journaling

t-0:20 - I took the MAOI in grapefruit juice, and laid down with an eye mask. I started to feel some mild but pleasant sensations of warmth and comfort.

t+0:00 - I took the 50mg DMT Fumarate capsule. It wasn’t long before I started to experience a sensation in my stomach... I believe when the capsule was penetrated and the contents met the rest of my stomach. It wasn’t nausea (I didn’t really experience much in the way of nausea the entire night), but it was a burning kind of sensation that reminded me a bit of the initial stages of food poisoning.

I continued to pay attention to the sensations in my body and soon I began to have the initial, dim closed eye visuals that happen at the very beginning of a DMT trip. The visuals progressed quickly and before long I was fully immersed in the DMT visuals in a way that felt almost indistinguishable from IM (at doses around 40mg). This went on for a time, maybe 20 minutes (?). There was one point where I experienced a feminine presence(s) that told me they were there to help me.

t+0:20-0:50(?) - Things started to slow down a little bit from the immersive DMT space, and I started to experience many different times & experiences from my childhood. The trip really focused on how those past experiences felt, how alone and on my own I was back then, and I started to feel extreme feelings of rage, grief, loneliness, etc. Some of the feelings, the anger & grief specifically, I felt like I experienced/embodied in almost a 3-dimensional kind of way, like a new embodied version of those emotions I'd never felt before, but I can't find precise words to explain what I mean by the 3-dimensional feeling of emotions. They were very intense and difficult emotions but it also felt really good to feel them and I welcomed them.

Then I experienced things more from my parents’ perspective, and how their situations growing up, their parents situations, etc. led to this and how they were all victims too. (I think this was around the time I started crying) I felt a desire to break this chain of suffering and I felt a lot of conviction around my decision not to have children.

Around that time I was feeling a lot of really intense grief and sadness and loss, for myself and also for them. I also spent some time thinking about an estranged brother... the things he went through in childhood and how difficult that must have been for him and how alone he probably felt too. I experienced grief that he wasn’t in my life but understanding and empathy for why he didn’t want anything to do with our family. I wished him the peace and healing that he needs.

I had the desire to let go of some of the hurt and suffering from childhood and I felt forgiveness towards my brother, my parents, and myself. I also spent some time feeling really deep love and empathy for my childhood self. I promised her that she never had to be alone again and she never had to feel that way again.

t+1:00 - I think this was about the time I took the booster capsule (35mg), though I never noticed any additional effects.
There was a bit of a break where I was listening to the icaros that were playing through the speaker in our room... my visuals were much fainter by this point, but they were beautiful and intricate and it felt like the song WAS the visuals.

After a time, I started to go back into the experience. For a little while, things started to turn towards my relationship with my ex-partner. I experienced parts of the early times in our relationship and I felt a lot of anger and disgust towards him. I started to feel a little bit around what his childhood was like. However, it didn’t last very long... it almost felt like my relationship with my ex-partner is such a mountain of things to feel and untangle, and there were some other things I had to get through before I could turn my full attention to it. Instead, I began to focus my attention on one of my oldest best friends. Lots of grief and anger and confusion. How completely in love I was with her and how cold she was and frequently totally shut down towards me. The confusion of the really warm and intimate times we would have followed rapidly by her taking out her anger on me (and her partner, whoever that was at the time). Reflecting now, it almost feels a bit similar to a pattern with my mom... of course I was never anywhere near as close to my mom as I was to my best friend, but I can see a kind of similar dynamic where she would occasionally tell me things like “you can tell me anything” or have a random small moment of affection but then right back to shutting me out and rejecting me. It felt really hurtful and inconsistent and confusing.

t+3:00 - After I processed these different relationships, the trip was definitely dying down at this point and it was getting more difficult to stay focused and feel the feelings, but I also experienced a lot of empathy for the things my best friend has been through in her life that have brought these things out in her, and forgave her. I explored what it might feel like to let go of any expectations around that relationship, and let go of having to always be the one to come back and reach out and make the effort to be there... but, I realized that I’m not ready to do that, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to do that, and I forgave myself for that and appreciated the part of myself that doesn’t give up on the people I love.

The whole experience felt very cathartic. I feel like a made a lot of progress, but also that there is a lot of work left to do, which is why I am strongly considering doing it again. I would like the opportunity to address my time with my ex-partner... I think it might also be good for me to spend some time with the early days of my relationship with E.

t+4:30 - At the end of the trip, I was exhausted in a way that felt like I was on the tail end of being on a very large dose of stimulants. I was concerned about being able to sleep... I took 2 skullcap extract tablets and .1mg clonidine, but had a very difficult time falling asleep. I ended up taking another .1mg of clonidine at some point and finally managed to drift off, but all night I was dreaming about ayahuasca... mainly in the dreams, I was trying to have another experience to finish what I started but the medicine wasn’t working.

I woke up around 6:30 after around 5 hours of sleep feeling a lot of inflammation in my body, especially in my sinuses. I still felt pretty physically restless and tired but I’ve taken some ibuprofen and I’m drinking a lot of water.

Ayahuasca day 2

Pre-Ayahuasca Journaling

I have decided to do this again today because I didn’t feel like I finished everything I needed to yesterday.

I would appreciate the opportunity to process some things around my time with my ex-partner... but I am also remaining open to whatever comes up.

• Something that is very present for me right now: physical tiredness
• I have concerns about: bypassing or dissociating instead of integrating my feelings
• I am curious about: how today’s experience might differ from yesterday’s
• I am inspired now to create: space to feel
• I am inspired to let go of: expectations for myself around what I should be accomplishing through this experience
• In this moment I deeply desire and long for: patience with myself
• My intention: to allow myself to feel things for as long as I need to, and not try to rush myself through the process.

Notes from Day 2 Ayahuasca experience: The following is a mix of my notes the day after the experience, and time stamps/notes that E took for me while she was sitting for me. Notes in quotes are from E's notes and the rest is from my journaling. E used the letter "O" to refer to me.

t-0:20 - Dosed THH + Harmine in grapefruit juice.

t+:0:00 - Dosed 60mg DMT Fumarate in gel cap.

t+0:20 - "20 minutes after taking DMT, O was worried about whether she should be feeling the DMT yet. Reassured her she had plenty of time before feeling it (45 minutes is come on time)."

*To start my notes, I want to circle back around to the dream I mentioned that I had last night after my first session. That dream turned out to be not just a dream but a startlingly accurate vision of the first part of what happened on night 2.*

I was feeling more restless and anxious this time around, very eager for it to start. I kept waiting and waiting but not much was happening and I was becoming increasingly frustrated (this was the part I had seen in the dream). I wondered if my brain somehow had the ability to subconsciously block the effects of the medicine. There were some mild and subtle signs that I was altered, but I wasn’t getting any visuals or any of what I would consider the DMT part of the experience.

t+1:30 - "O took another 210mg THH, 210mg Harmine, and an additional 20mg Harmaline because she hadn’t noticed any psychedelic effect. She also requested another dose of 60mg DMT Fumarate, which was administered at t+1:45."

I decided to redose with the same dose I started with, plus some harmaline. This time, things started to happen pretty quickly though the true peak still took a little while to fully come on and it was still different from the first night. The first night, the initial peak was indistinguishable from IM DMT, but this time the visual/immersive effects were dulled somewhat (though went on for muuuch longer).

t+2:00 - "O said there were more peak-like effects starting but it felt less than day 1."

T+2:14 - "O seems more restless, taking deeper breaths, fidgeting more. Looks struggling to get comfortable, breathing heavy. Right arm moving around a lot. Both arms out."

It was around this time (2 hrs, 14 min into the night, according to E's log) that things began to get extremely difficult and uncomfortable. The feeling was like something was trying to rip my mind away from my body. It was ceaseless and so completely overstimulating. It didn’t let up ever for even a second, for hours. I felt like I was fighting for my mind and I couldn’t relax or let my guard down ever. In addition, there was so much energy and tension in my body that I kept thrashing and writhing around and couldn’t get comfortable. My hands kept trying to wander away and take my mind with them. E kept returning them to my core and telling me to stay with my body and return to my breath. This was very helpful and I clung to that advice and used my breath to help keep me anchored. I had to remind myself over and over and over again.

At one point E put some pressure on my body and that felt really soothing.

Sometimes she would spritz me with the scented water and that was also really helpful... the cool mist hitting my skin gave me another anchor.

T+2:25 - "movements have calmed down a bit, deep sighs and heavy breaths are still happening."

T+2:57 - "knees pulled close to chest, heavy breathing, sighing. Then some stillness. Looks like some fighting has eased. Then resuming heavy short breaths."

T+3:22 - "turned face down towards elbow, covering eyes with hand, holding onto eye mask. Labored short breaths continuing."

Sometime during all of this, I’m not sure exactly when, time gets a little confusing, I was having a very vivid and consuming DMT experience that went on for some time and continued to linger through the very end... I don’t really even know how to describe it. It involved “joisting”, and word that repeated itself in my head over and over again, there was “vanquishing”... victory and glory and hype and colors and sound and energy. Almost psychedelic Mad-Max.

After this point, the order of my experience is a bit unclear so I'll write the most of my memory of it after the E's timestamps.

T+3:28 - "having some hand holding."

T+3:31 - "right hand “claw” made an appearance again briefly."

T+4:00 - "calming down a bit but still not verbal. Still taking deep sudden breaths."

T+4:24 - "calming down more, drinking water, still having moments of deep forceful breaths, like she’s not getting enough air. Still not much verbal ability."

T+5:00 - "purge, and then gradual coming down."

At some point (again, the order of events is very foggy), I finally purged which felt really good to do. It felt like flushing a lot of old toxic shit out.

T+5:46 - "not fully down, slight headache and not fully verbal but able to make requests. Eye mask back on due to light sensitivity. Some chocolate and some banana eaten. Sipping on water autonomously since purge."

T+6:06 - "went to bathroom with some assistance"

T6:21 - "She’s laughing and cracking jokes again"

Remainder of my notes from T+3:28 onward:

There were a couple times when I opened my eyes and E's cat was there, staring deeply into my soul, and this helped anchor me too. She really felt like E’s familiar.

There finally came a time when the fighting was fractionally less intense (though still a constant struggle). I was able to turn towards E and use her presence to keep me tethered. She was SO rock solid and steady and unwavering and I felt an overwhelming love and gratefulness towards her. This is when the lessons started.

I could feel my relationship and trust with E healing old attachment wounds. It was so beautiful. I was taught a lot about being present with my emotions and allowing myself to feel them and be present with them. I was shown that I don’t often feel safe experiencing anger, but that it can be a valuable emotion.
I was taught about asking for what I need.
I was taught about sharing my feelings with E (and in general).
I was taught about patience with myself.
I was taught about patience with E. I had this realization that when E says she’s working on something about herself, I can trust that she’s doing it on her timeline and I don’t need to worry about whether it’s going to happen... I just need to have patience and trust that it will. She is a true partner and she’s holding down her side.

I also really grokked what often says about making this relationship a safe harbor, and about being on the same team.
I had a good look at the part of myself that picks fights sometimes.

All these beautiful lessons and E showing up for me so hard during the entire experience. She always knew exactly what to do or say and I just felt her solid presence the whole time like an absolute rock. So beautiful it makes me want to cry. I can only hope to come anywhere close to giving her the same gift one day.

Anyway... by this point I was exhausted. I was still struggling consistently to keep my mind and not slip back into the chaotic DMT space, but the struggle was becoming less intense. The energy and restlessness was still there but not as bad. I had a pretty bad headache at this point and was very light sensitive. I really wanted to put my eyemask on, but being able to make eye contact with E was the main thing keeping me anchored and I was so afraid that if I closed my eyes I would slip away again.

E kept telling me I needed to eat and made me some soup, but I was really struggling. My stomach didn’t want food and the soup was making me queasy. Blueberries were easier but I was so exhausted that eating them was very difficult. Finally E ended up spooning the soup into my mouth which was very sweet and helpful, I’m not sure if I could have gotten it down otherwise.

After this we cuddled, which felt really nice.

As I was finally coming down from the experience, E showed me a poem that resonated so deeply...

“Sleeping With You

Is there anything more wonderful?
After we have floundered through our separate pain
we come to this. I bind myself to you, like otters wrapped in kelp, so the current will not steal us as we sleep.
Through the night we turn together, rocked in the shallow surf, pebbles polished by the sea.

-Ellen Bass”

It has me considering ways to incorporate otters into my tattoo sleeve. (Before this experience, I wondered if I might come out of it with some kind of idea about what I wanted to symbolize on that arm.)

Sleep was not coming to me and I spent more time thrashing. At this point it was around 4am and I was giving up hope of any sleep at all. E finally convinced me to get up and do some yoga, and that was really helpful. She was right that my body was able to settle down after that and eventually I did fall asleep for about an hour and a half, before I got hungry and got up to eat and shower and journal. Even at 7-8am, I was still getting mild waves of flickery light and unsteadiness. I am feeling surprisingly ok though so far on 1.5 hrs of sleep, though I imagine I’ll need to nap later. It’s almost 9 now and I’m still experiencing frequent waves of restless energy, I may need to do more yoga.

Overall I am feeling profoundly grateful and at peace and present.

~.~.~

Even with the severe lack of sleep, I've had a surprising amount of energy pretty consistently throughout the day following my second dosing session. I started to get pretty sleepy around 6pm, but it's now almost 9 and I'm feeling pretty energetic again. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight since I've got work in the morning.

I can definitely see wanting to experience this medicine again, though I imagine it may be 3-5 years out.

Exp Year: 2024	ExpID: 118252
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 36
Published: Oct 25, 2024	Views: 17
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Pharmahuasca (822), Tetrahydroharmine (473), Harmine (315), DMT (18) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Combinations (3)