DOSE: T+ 0:00		oral	Ayahuasca
T+ 48:00		oral	Ayahuasca

BODY WEIGHT:

261 lb

This June, I traveled to the Peruvian Amazon with my dad in order to try healing with the help of the Abuela Ayahuasca. I am personally a very scientific minded person, so I do not necessarily believe in the spirituality of ayahuasca, but I do greatly respect the customs around it and the shamans who practice it. Leading up to our trip, we both followed the standard dieta - no red meat, no caffeine, no fermented foods, no alcohol, etc.

I will skip our time in Lima and go straight to the resort. We flew into Iquitos where we got picked up by the driver for [the retreat center]. We met our translator as well, who has been working with the shaman for some time. We stopped by a pharmacy for supplies such as shampoo and conditioner, which are not provided with the resort. Then we took a boat ride to the resort. It slightly concerned me that we would be so remote, but my fears were slowly reassured as we settled in. We met our shaman, who looked fairly young, but he reassured us that he has been working with the plant medicine for 25 years. We spent a day settling in, and we covered our intentions with him. My intentions were to heal my brain from depression and anxiety, to love myself for who I am, and to become a better person to my friends and family.

The next day, we woke up early in order to help with the ayahuasca brew. This is an 8 day retreat, with the plan of doing 2 ayahuasca ceremonies with a rest day in between, followed by a huachuma (San Pedro) ceremony, and then one final ayahuasca ceremony. Our shaman had us help him smash the vines, as his abuelo told him it would allow the ayahuasca to begin getting to know us. He showed us the only ingredients going into the brew: ayahuasca vines, chacruna leaves, bobinsana flowers, and water. This eased more of my personal anxiety, as I had heard the horror stories of tourists receiving Toé for a "strong experience". We were to take a small dose of ayahuasca that night in order to both test the strength of the brew and allow our shaman to see how each of us were affected by the dose. The ceremony was originally scheduled for 7:30pm, but had to be delayed due to the brew needing more time to cook.

Once the new time arrived, we showed up to the Maloca to find it had been blacked out with plastic sheets. The only light was some faint moonlight and the candles the shaman had lit. We each had a chair with a mat next to it on one side and a plastic bowl on the other side. The shaman called us up one by one to set our intentions and drink the brew from a small cup. It had a foul earthy taste that stuck around in my mouth. He and the translator also drank the same dose. He blew out the candles and the waiting began.

The waiting was agonizing. I knew the onset was about 45 minutes long, and we were just sitting there in silence. At home, when I take psychedelics, I prefer to do something during the onset to distract my brain from anxiety, but that was not an option here. My mind raced with all sorts of fleeting useless thoughts.

It felt like the onset was beginning when the shaman picked up his bundle of leaves and began to sing. My body felt very uncomfortable, the body load of ayahuasca is very high. Additionally, my stomach was very upset and I grabbed the bucket, I could not purge, but I kept it on my lap for most of the ceremony just in case. At first I didn't have any visions. I rocked back and forth in my chair rapidly, full of anxiety and paranoia. My mind continued to race, but the thoughts didn't stick around long enough to process. I couldn't let go. Occasionally, I found myself entranced and calmed by his song, but I kept falling back into the anxiety. I had trouble keeping my eyes closed as instructed, they felt like they wanted to be open. At one point during the peak, I saw something. This wasn't your typical closed eye visuals where you feel like you see them with your eyes, I felt like I saw them with my mind. They were these mechanical puzzle pieces, each representing a problem or challenge in my life. I was putting them together and working things out. I don't recall the specifics of any of this now, but I'll get into the long term effects at the end of the report. I was beginning to come down, and my anxiety was easing, when the translator came by my seat and asked if I wanted a second dose, which I declined. My dad also declined his, and we rode out the rest of the come down. The ceremony lasted long enough to accommodate the second dose, so we were just sober listening to the songs and experiencing the ceremony. After the ceremony, the shaman lit the candles and we discussed the experiences we had. I asked the shaman what to do about my eyes wanting to be open, and the translator was hesitant, she said it's important to keep them closed for the visions, but when she translated into Spanish, he responded that it's more important to listen to the body's needs.

The rest day is not really relevant, so I'll skip to the next ayahuasca ceremony. I was hesitant to take it again given how uncomfortable it was, but I was still willing to try. We received larger doses, and this time the shaman's brother sat at the front in order to provide assistance. The onset anxiety was similar, mind racing like crazy. Then I began to feel the medicine in my brain again. Mother Aya was back with vengeance in her heart. I came into this experience hoping to let go and let the medicine work, but I immediately knew letting go would be a mistake. I felt a presence, and I saw the shaman's brother walking towards me, just to look over at his chair and see him still sitting there. I heard noises that sounded like a schizophrenia simulation on YouTube, and I knew I would go crazy if I let go. This time I puked with a force that I didn't know I was capable of, and I rode out the trip until it started to wear off. I once again declined, but this time I enjoyed my sober time laying on my mat listening to the singing. Once it was over, I found an appropriate analogy for how I felt. "I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into pure insanity, and the ayahuasca was trying to push me in."

Thankfully I did not go crazy that night, but given my negative experience we chose to do two huachuma ceremonies rather than another ayahuasca ceremony. I feel it is more appropriate to write about those experiences in a separate report, if I write about them at all. I am incredibly grateful for the insight and healing that ayahuasca has given me. Since coming home, I have reflected a lot on my experiences. My takeaway from the first trip is that one of the biggest obstacles to my own growth is my fear of asking for help. I found the mantra "I am afraid of asking for help" during that trip and now I hope to go forward with a willingness to rely more on my support network. The second trip's biggest takeaway was just a newfound appreciation for the sober brain. Long term outcomes: I drink significantly less often. I don't feel a need to drink when I go out, and my first time drinking while going out made me feel very ill, aya's reminder to me that I don't need to poison myself to have fun. I also haven't felt any anxiety or depression since then, to the point that my therapist has moved me to "as-needed" appointments rather than every two weeks.

Exp Year: 2024	ExpID: 118448
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Dec 1, 2024	Views: Not Supported
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Ayahuasca (8) : First Times (2), Difficult Experiences (5), Depression (15), General (1), Group Ceremony (21)