DOSE:		smoked	Cannabis
	repeated	inhaled	Nitrous Oxide

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

Prior Experience: several years of marijuana use. I've done nitrous on two other occasions a few weeks before.

Mindset: feeling stressed after work and wanted to blow off some steam

Setting: highrise condo on 40th floor in large city

Last night I decided to smoke the joint I had sitting in my dresser. I had just finished work and a few nights ago I bought weed but hadn't decided to smoke yet. Tonight I felt very stressed and tired after working all day so I closed my laptop, grabbed the joint and stepped outside onto the balcony.

I hadn't smoked weed for more than a year so I was very hesitant to inhale the smoke completely at first. After a few puffs though I got more comfortable and started smoking normally.

The weed wasn't very strong and produced a mostly relaxed and chill high. I went back inside and laid down on my phone. I started texting a girl I've been seeing and asked if she wanted to come over. She agreed to come over in a few hours at 8pm.

When she arrived she pulled the nitrous oxide dispenser out of her purse and set it on the kitchen counter. I went and got the remaining cartridges from my dresser as well as a bag a multi colored balloons.

We talked for a while and then we decided to go smoke a joint together. I rolled around half a gram and we went out on the balcony and smoked while talking and sitting down.

I noticed I was having a lot of negative thoughts. I had recently gone through a divorce and was spending a lot of time partying with different women. When we walked back inside my condo everything in it, including myself and my date looked like something from a cartoon. Nothing seemed real.

I sat down on the couch while she filled a balloon for me with nitrous. The rap video playing on the TV filled me with some kind of existential dread. I started inhaling from the balloon and the music became distant and echoed. It seemed like my ego was collapsing more. Everything I had been doing, focusing on making money and sleeping with random women, living alone in this condo, it all seemed like some kind of a weird joke. My own mortality became an inescapable thought. I could barely inhale the nitrous and let most of it just flow out of the balloon into the air.

I told my date I needed to go lay down and chill out because I felt too high. She agreed and said she felt really high too. We went into my room and I turned the lights off and tried putting on more relaxing music. We talked for a while about how high we both were as she was filling more balloons with the dispenser.

She handed a balloon to me. Before I had hesitated to inhale the gas but this time I felt some deep connection to it. Like the balloon was actually some interdimensional being, an infinitely wise being that was trying to communicate with me. If was only my limited human perception that interpreted it as a balloon full of nitrous oxide.

I felt myself truly open my lungs to the gas and exhaled back into the balloon only. Inhaling and exhaling as my lungs and the balloon expanded and contracted alternatively.

Suddenly everything made sense. All the complexities of this human world. It was all a conspiracy. It was all an illusion of the ego trying to keep me trapped here. Trying to keep me from seeing the true nature of reality.

I saw whole cities start to unravel. Every single thing each of us worry about day in and day out. All an illusion. Somehow this balloon full of this strange chemical had made it impossible for my mind to stay trapped in the illusion. Everything shattered into a million glowing fractal patterns. Each thought or emotion that I was so used to feeling became frozen. There was an absence of bodily sensation or of thought. I wasn't a body. I wasn't an individual mind. I was everything and I always had been everything. And I'll continue to be everything for eternity. The glowing fractals coalesced into a scene. I was in a huge open expanse that looked like a park or a large meadow. There were some trees and grass and I could see the sun high overhead. I wasn't a body in this scene but rather the scene itself. My body had become the entire world. I felt completely at peace with everything. There was nothing left to be done.

Then I jerked myself awake. My eyes opened to see the wall in my room. It was completely coated in swirling green and blue pinwheels. I felt an extremely intense electric buzzing running through my body. Like the chills you get when you listen to really good music. But this was 1000 times stronger and unstoppable. I realized I had broken reality. My whole room was dematerializing into spinning geometry. I had broken through the matrix and there was no possible way of ever going back.

As I stared in disbelief at the very structure of my world coming apart I could hear my date panicking. I looked at her and she was frantically looking around the room as well. "Oh my god!" She was screaming "Oh my god what's happening?" She was responding to what I had done. I had broken reality and she was just a projection of my ego. As the walls and the floor and the ceiling and the world outside dissolved into fluorescent patterns she too was dissolving. "I can't move!" She screamed "What's happening!"

I sat up in bed and stared out the window. The vast city was mine and I was god. I knew if I wanted to I could burst through the window and fly off into the night sky.

But then I realized, that to be god was a responsibility that I couldn't be bothered to take on. To exist in that infinite state of bliss and contentment would be like a prison. And all I would yearn for would be my mundane human life. Walking to the convenience store, watching Netflix, going on tinder, these are the things I'd truly miss if I was god.

I turned away from the window back to my date who was curled up on the bed breathing rapidly. I put my hand on her shoulder and her breathing started to slow down. The shapes in my room fixed themselves back together and faded away into the dark leaving only the blank beige tint of my walls and the blue glow of the city lights through my window. This is where I wanted to be.

Exp Year: 2022	ExpID: 118911
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Jun 12, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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Cannabis (1), Nitrous Oxide (40) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Combinations (3)