DOSE: T+ 0:00	150 mg	oral	MDMA
T+ 0:20	1 cig.	smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes
T+ 0:20	1 hit	smoked	DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

90 kg

Something shifted inside me recently. I grew restless. I have a beautiful family, a decent job, and a nice house. Everything appears fine on the surface.

When I was younger, I experimented with some drugs with my friends. We smoked weed regularly and some other stuff like X, coke and speed here and there. That changed when I met my wife at eighteen. I stopped using substances entirely. But years later, I started smoking weed again (every second weekend or so, nothing special). Then a coworker introduced me to cocaine. I used it sporadically, not regularly, just once or twice a year, for about five years. Purely recreational.

Then I discovered DMT. I’d heard about it before, the talk of aliens and profound life changing experiences. I’d only tried LSD once as a teenager, but it was weak, barely effective, a half-hearted trip. Finding DMT became my mission. The supply was scarce where I live, but my determination grew. After researching online, I managed to synthesize it myself.

It was a significant achievement, and I felt a quiet pride in my success. The DMT worked as intended, but I couldn’t achieve a breakthrough. Without a trip sitter, I’d pass out after a single toke. The visuals were stunning. Crisp and hyper-real but.. that was all. After multiple attempts, anxiety and fear built up, making a breakthrough even harder.

One day, I prepared myself thoroughly. My plan was to take MDMA and, if I felt ready, smoke DMT afterward. I set everything up, took a shower, and waited until evening. I took the MDMA, and its effects hit faster than usually - within twenty minutes. Warmth and love flooded my body. I stepped outside for a cigarette. The world felt beautiful, my anxiety gone. I was certain: I would breakthrough this time.

I went downstairs to my garage, where everything was ready. I sat in my chair, dimmed the lights, played soft music, and took a few deep breaths to prepare for the journey that would change my life.

I lit the pipe and took a deep, steady toke. No anxiety this time. I held the smoke for about ten seconds, and a strange, otherworldly realm began to pull me in.

Unlike my usual habit of closing my eyes, I kept them open and took another heavy toke of the spirit molecule. The lighter and pipe slipped from my hands as vivid patterns overtook my reality. Normally colorful, this time the patterns were black. I resisted fiercely, and the patterns seemed to shatter, like glass breaking in my mouth due to my struggle.

But then the patterns reorganized into a kind of game, a test. I had to sync with the rhythm of the universe to pass. It felt like a riddle. A thought-like voice emerged: “There you go, you’re getting it.” I followed the rhythm, and it became effortless, natural, requiring no thought at all. It was the first lesson.

For passing the test, I was ushered into another space. A cozy, familiar room, one I’d visited countless times, it felt like I was finally at home. The memory was vague, but I knew the place. An unseen intelligence was present; I felt it but couldn’t see it. I connected with it, though only as much as it permitted. We exchanged thoughts, and it guided me through the room, which seemed submerged, like below some pond or something, with some walls made of glass so that I could see under water. As I communicated with this intelligence, I began to realize it was Him. When I fully understood, I asked if He was who I thought. He didn’t answer, but I knew, and He knew I understood.

He led me to another place. Not a room, but a fluid expanse, a soup of possibilities. There, something profound occurred - lesson number two. Through otherworldly geometry, precise beyond description, this lesson revealed itself.

Lesson Two:
Nothing matters. It's all the same. This truth is difficult for us to grasp, yet it is undeniably certain.
"Is it becoming clearer now traveler? Can you now see how futile it was to resist?"
"Yes! It was PERFECTLY CLEAR!"

In truth, nothing matters to such an extent that the very concept of "mattering" dissolves entirely. It carries an absolute nullity, a weight of zero so profound it nullifies itself infinitely, neither waxing nor waning by even the slightest fraction. You could leap from a skyscraper, you can laugh or cry or.. throw a tantrum and rage in defiance if you want to. It makes no difference. You cannot alter what must be. What is. What always was. No one can. Nothing can. Because all things begin and end with love.

The rebondissement:
And then, when I realized that, He revealed Himself. In all His majesty and glory. He allowed me a glimpse of His might.
It was a garden. A garden unlike anything you ever saw. A garden streaching to infinity in all directions. Please excuse me for the lack of words, but I'll try my best.

He. He is infinite. Let's start with that. He is all encompassing, all good, all powerful, all beautiful, all loving, all caring, all seeing and all knowing. He is everything. He is everywhere. He is infinite. And He is absolute. Every passing second in His presence felt like climbing up towards a climax which led to another climax which led to another climax infinitely. He is, He always was and He always will be. Before, until and after all existence. Every single possibility ends with love that is Him. That's right, He is the love itself. He is the only possible outcome and there can NEVER be another.

I felt like I've been looking for Him all my life. I knew I came from Him, I sensed it, but somehow.. I don't know.. somehow.. I forgot about Him. In retrospect, I was missing him every second of my life. I sensed He's out there, He must be.. But I couldn't feel Him. Like, I was looking at Him, but I couldn't see Him. With time, I grew old and I no longer believed in Him. I thought it was just another bullshit story. But boy was i wrong.

On my desperate and kinda self destructive search for.. happiness, meaning.. I don't know.. something.. I found Him. Or perhaps He showed me the way. I would normally laugh of mock such claims but.. He was right here all along. How could i not see Him? How could I be so blind?! Did this world deceive me? Trick me of His non existence? For what reason??! How could I allow it, how could I believe the lies when He is woven into everything and everything is woven into Him. He's an infinite fabric of love without one single infinitesimal mistake. His beauty is overwhelming, He is pulsing through eternity in all possible realms and in all possible states with such perfection and grace, that no mathematical, physical or any other law can describe. I know this now. He let me know this. And I will be forever grateful for it.

But how can one ever be the same after that I wonder. I don't think one can. And then when I started to just barely realize the immense magnitude of his omnipotence,

He asked again, kindly and lovingly:
"Now do you see? Now do you understand?"
"I do", I said, "it's perfectly clear". "But why?"
"You know why silly..", he said. "Its what I am."
"Now why don't you go back home, because if I tell you everything, you won't be able to do your job AND you're gonna ruin the end surprise."
"Wha.. What is my job?"
"You'll see. It will all come together, like every piece of the puzzle falling into place. Have some patience. And some faith."

And just like that, I slowly came back. My whole body was vibrating to the frequency of the universe which quickly diminished.
I sat in my chair for an hour, smiling (and crying a bit) and just like a child cuddling in His arms not wanting to let go. But I had to. I would like to be in His presence again someday and I do believe I will. When the time comes.

For now, I don't think I'm going back anytime soon, I got what I was looking for. An assurance I guess. And comfort. Some may think I lost my mind and perhaps I have, I don't know. But even though the memory slowly fades, I know what I saw and it was very clear. I deliberatley don't wan't to call Him God or attribute Him to any religion because I just don't know that. Besides, I'm not educated of any religion to be honest, although my parents are Christian, but even they aren't like, you know, really religious. So yeah, there's that.

Note to self: Don't bite the glass. Feel the rhythm and go with the flow. Nothing matters, its all the same.

Exp Year: 2025	ExpID: 119033
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 43
Published: Dec 7, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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DMT (18), MDMA (3) : Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Combinations (3), Alone (16)